But first I'd like to congratulate myself and Studio 8 on a few recent accomplishments:

Moving to New Orleans - Leaving Baton Rouge was going to happen one way or the other. Little did we know that our start in the entertainment industry would lie an hour away in the filthy sinkhole of NOLA. So we're here now and we're all working and things are starting to get very busy. On top of movie and TV work, Mikey the Mangler is with us now and we've already met a couple of other talented folks and it looks like we'll have lots of fun music (aside from Robulous) and live comedy projects coming up.

E is E Coming Out on DVD - Sheesh. This time last year we were in pre-pre-production of our first movie, Everything is Everything. I was trying to figure out if it would be worth spending a chunk of my life savings on a silly movie that might never come together into a watchable something. We've had multiple showings of it all over the place and now it's for sale on FirstLookRentals.com (a fine up-and-coming indie film site) and I'm grateful that they believe in us enough to help us get our little flick out there.

A Super-Secret Really Fancy Thing that Might Happen Soon - I don't want to jinx anything (even though I don't believe in jinxes, or sphinxes for that matter), so I won't divulge everything, but let's just say that Studio 8 was recently contacted by some very fancy important nice people and they want us to do some bigger things on a bigger scale in front of a bigger audience and if we can work our balls off enough, some really cool stuff could be on our platters in the next couple of months. Here's a hint: Cartoons.

Defeating the Laser Monster - Yes, after months and months of tiny victories and huge heart-breaking losses, Studio 8 managed to defeat the Laser Monster that has been terrorizing the southern United States area. Who could have guessed that we had to use lasers to destroy a monster who was made of lasers? It's a shame that almost everyone had to die in the process and nobody even bothered to thank us for doing it. By the way, if anyone wants some Laser Monster meat, we have 14 industrial freezers full of this stuff and it's starting to spoil.

Now that I've stroked our wieners for a bit, I'd like to pick up where Chris left off last month with an update on Studio 8 personalities that you may or may not have been wondering about.
 

Brandi Pinkstone - One of Studio 8's most "virginal" Characters, Brandi Pinkstone recently finished her first year of college (away from home). Along the way, she struggled with maintaining a long-distance relationship with her long-time high school sweetheart Mikey, who spent most of his freshman year of college (in a different state than Brandi) passed out and puking in the laps of whorish sorority girls. Brandi has slackened off on her online journal, but you can read some of it by clicking her lovely picture on the left.

Pastor Jay Michael Flimpers - Pastor Flimpers was Studio 8's most popular editor to date. He preached like a maniac, made false accusations all over town, and spent every dime Studio 8 made on religious pamphlets. Since Studio 8 fired him, he's attempted to start up 3 Baptist churches, tried to cast out 12 demons, and pretended to be a laundry hamper for an entire afternoon. Recently, he's been eating out of a McDonald's dumpster on a regular basis and his internal organs have begun to eat themselves for nutrition. Please pray for the Pastor (to die soon).

Mabel Pennyluck - Mabel Pennyluck was a decent editor, but she was too old and confused all of the time, so she was replaced. Lately, she hasn't been doing much because she froze to death soon after she was kicked out of Studio 8's offices. She hasn't been buried yet, so if you have anything to say to her, email us and we can put it on a note and tuck it into her gaping mouth (if the flies will let us).

This Guy - We have no idea who or what this thing is and how it made its way onto this page. It looks scary, it has no business here, and Studio 8 would be a lot more fun without this thing hanging around and haunting our dreams with its frizzy hair and its incessant screams of "HOW ARE YOUUUUUU?????"
 

Mikey the Mangler - Mikey has been hard at work salvaging the absolute wreck that was once known as Studio 8 Records. He's got a lot of work ahead of him and it would really help him out if you people would leave him alone and mind your own business. Also, it would help him if a few attractive female readers would offer their tight, young bodies to Mikey for one or more nights of raw passion and decadence.
 

Samuel "Big Dog" Booksie - Click on this dude's picture and you can read his first retarded report on the newest lineup of Big Dog clothing. We think that Big Dog Booksie might be the father of a Studio 8 Employee, but no one is claiming him. All we do know is that this man cries real tears of blood whenever we try to tell him that we don't want to publish his Big Dog Reports. Last week, Big Dog Booksie swallowed an entire gallon of fudge (with pecans) and we had to use a plumbing snake to un-clog his colon. He's doing fine now, but he's gotten a little too attached to the poor plumbing snake.
 

Manuelle - Manuelle is the least confusing of Studio 8's Characters. He's gay. He's silly. He's can't write very well, especially in English. We received a postcard from Manuelle last week and apparently his vacation in Greece has brought about a few tasty treats in the form of actual sexual contact with other gay men. We plan on burning any further correspondence from Manuelle if he mentions anything about this trip. Before Manuelle left for his trip, he stopped by the Studio 8 offices and practiced kissing techniques on a staple remover, which hopefully prepared him for the bloody pains of anal sex. Enough about Manuelle...

Trevor - Studio 8's resident Reality TV Expert, Trevor has had his hands full for the past couple of years. There are so many reality shows popping up every day that Trevor has become somewhat disconnected from the reality of his own life - foregoing necessary things like baths, meals, and even breaths of fresh air for fear of missing a single moment of any reality programming, no matter how dull or asinine it might be. He's trying to clean himself up, though, but it seems like he's going to have to do something more than just watching episodes of Survivor: Season 1 on his wristwatch while pretending to tutor a bunch of kindergarteners in algebra.

Milwaukee Hastings - Tons of good albums have been released in the past few months. Also in that time a bunch of shitty, nonsensical reviews have been released by Milwaukee Hastings. Someone said that "Those who can't do, become critics." Well, Milwaukee hasn't even tried to do anything, and he's not really a critic, either. He hates music. He hates writing about music. He hates himself. Will someone find him and kill him? We can't get out of our contract. We're desperate. We'll give you money and guns.

Count Tiffany Glaze - My God, Count Tiffany Glaze is a fucked up individual. There's nothing new to report on him/her. Snooty, weird, insane, disjointed, misguided, and antagonistic on many levels - Count Tiffany continues to boggle the minds and warp the stomachs of people across the world. Read some of his movie reviews and then ask yourself why you are doing that. Then answer yourself that you are doing it because I told you to. Then eat something with goat cheese in it.

 

G. Rodney Fussensnitch- G. Rodney hasn't been too active lately because he might be imprisoned, taking a vacation, or lying in a coma. But that's what we get for hiring a homeless, violent drug-addicted drifter who can't read to be our Book Expert. If only there was someone more competent and, oh, I don't know, LITERATE out there in the world who could fill in for him...Of course, if he found out, he'd hunt us down and feed our own genitals to us with a straw, so don't get any funny ideas, OK?

Benjamin Kwaffle – Benjamin hasn't been very successful in the world of friendship as of late. It might have something to do with his overbearing, nerdy personality. Or it could be his stupid haircut. Or perhaps it has something to do with Ben's tendency to talk about friendship so intently and creepily that it makes everyone despise him the second they agree to become his friend. Expect to hear all about his recent winnings and defeats on the friendship front, even though you shouldn't care about anything Benjamin Kwaffle will ever have to say.
 

The Laser Monster - I thought I told you already... We defeated the damn Laser Monster. He's not doing jack shit and he's not going to do jack shit ever again because I personally shot his laser head off with a laser gun that I had and it exploded into a thousand tiny pieces of laser that I collected and burned onto a laser disc and mailed off to Madagascar with no return address. There's no way in hell that Laser Monster will be coming back...

Oh! I hear a strange angry knocking at the door, so I'll finish this later. If I don't finish this letter soon, then it means that the Laser Monster wasn't dead and that I am now dead.