What you’re really seeing in the above video:

0:05 - The gentleman puts a quarter into the coin slot at the edge of the counter to make the store start to spin and tilt on its axis, causing him to sway to and fro, off balance.

0:18 – 0:37 – The gentleman appears to freeze as, off-camera, a Tyrannosaurus Rex passes by, on the hunt for a fresh kill that it can offer its young back at the nest. The gentleman knows that a large carnivore like the T-Rex has a movement-tracking sense of sight. Only by standing completely statuesque like this will he save himself.

0:44 – It is revealed that there is a powerful magnet hidden on the shelf behind the potato chips and that this fellow has metal components in his back to which the magnet holds powerful attraction.

0:49 – The left foot becomes withered due to the exerted force the gentleman uses to free himself from the magnetic pull.

0:54 – It is revealed that there is a powerful cooling fan behind this particular glass door, which is strong enough to push back those who dare to stand in front of it.

1:02 – It is obvious that there is a deadly King Cobra or silly mongoose in the freezer next to the beverages, as the gentleman is seen standing as far back from his desired drink as possible.

1:15 – A horse fly lands in the gentleman’s eyeball and burrows into his brain.

1:17 – With fly buzzing around the gentleman’s skull, he finds it difficult to keep a steady and straight path, eventually realizing that his only hope is to break dance (1:22) to release the fly from his head.

1:25 – The fly pops out of his head and the gentleman kicks it with his right foot. Notice how he watches it buzz around his head for a few seconds until it eventually flies away.

1:31 – The gentleman grabs the fly with left hand, revealing quick reflexes and serpentine striking power. He holds onto the fly for a moment and then kicks it away again with his right foot (1:35).

1:36 – The gentleman reveals to viewers his Native American heritage by sitting “Indian style” and then proceeds to show us how difficult it is to maintain such a rigid posture, causing us to marvel and respect Native American culture all the more.

1:52 – 2:02 – The gentleman balances on his hip, rocking back and forth, displaying incredible agility.

2:02 – 2:56 – The gentleman proceeds to do a series of dance moves, taking use of his time on the floor to showboat a truly remarkable exhibition of ground technique (ex: the Head Jerk, the Cross Leg Hump, the Scoot Back, Blind Man’s Bluff, and the Whiplash) until his aging father shows up and gives him a firm “talking-to”.

3:14 – The gentleman wipes away a single tear at the humiliation and shame of his white-haired retarded father who has never approved of his dancing or of his Native American traditions.

3:17 – The gentleman’s father, their neighbor, and his Uncle Mallooney come to wake the gentleman up and get him ready for school.

3:22 – Uncle Mallooney is not impressed with the gentleman’s lazy attitude and he makes his displeasure evident with a stern hand on his own hip.

3:24 – The gentleman’s father tries to play a game of Limbo with the gentleman, but the gentleman is no longer a child and wishes not to be treated as such.

3:26 – The gentleman’s father is ashamed of the kind of dad he has been for most of the gentleman’s life and he tries to hold onto his son, extending his hand and grasping the gentleman’s shoulder, but the gentleman thinks it is too late for apologies, and with youthful rebellion, does not recognize the father’s plea for forgiveness. The neighbor and Uncle Mallooney have disappeared to have homosexual intercourse.

3:35 – The father wipes away a tear of his own. For his son. For his shitty establishment. For the blood farts that build up in his underdrawers.

3:44 – The gentleman thinks of leaving, but then remembers that he has not yet put a tip in the tip bowl.

3:45 – The gentleman is shot in the chest by an unknown assailant. The force of the impact blows the poor lad backwards. He stumbles into a shelf of energy drinks, gurgling blood and trying to breathe with a collapsing lung. Still, for the love of a father who never loved him back, he refuses to spill the tip bowl. He dies trying to hand the bowl to his Uncle Mallooney, the one man whom he knows can potentially turn a profit and bring his father out of the life-long debt that has stolen his joy.

July of ’09 was a big month for the world of Earth and perhaps an even bigger month for the world of Billoon45, the balloon-humping superstar of the internet’s Youtube and TV’s Tosh.0. Every month, Billoon films a “Month in Review,” in which he somehow perfectly sums up all of the exciting happenings in his life. And on this website, I review these reviews.

But before I dig into reviewing last month’s review, which I will affectionately call, “Happy Burpday,” I must preface it with another video, one in which Billoon decides to record a special Happy Birthday message for one lucky YouTuber. If you think it starts a little slow or seems like a typical, boring happy birthday video, well, just trust me and watch it all the way through. Then we shall discuss:

Wasn’t that a  sweet moment Billoon shared with us – him almost choking to death on stomach acids and half-digested Jimmy Dean sausages? He could’ve just deleted that horrible, disgusting, uncomfortable first attempt at the video and re-recorded it, but no, Billoon just left it up there for us to see and enjoy forever.

But that’s nothing. In this month’s “Month in Review,” Billoon gets even more choked up, but for other reasons. Let’s watch it together!

Moments of Interest:

:01-:13 – Let’s Get Back to Basics!
Right out of the gate, I gotta say that Billoon looks fantastic this month – he’s got new glasses, he’s wearing a collared shirt, his mustache is brown. Wow times three. I think it’s got something to do with his recent appearance on Comedy Central’s Tosh.0, who flew him out to Hollywood, put him up in a fancy hotel, and probably paid him dozens upon hundreds of dollars to make a boob of himself once again. Thank you, Comedy Central, for sprucing this dude up!

:14-:56 – The Recession Hits Home!
I guess my above theory just got blown out of the water. Billoon doesn’t have any money, except for food, clothes, and Walgreen’s Brand Antacid Tablets! Billoon makes me feel like such an idiot sometimes. By the way, clever product placement, Billoon. Now you’ve got me wanting some of those antacid tablets for myself!

:57-1:25 – Reflux Redux
Billoon talks about his crippling acid reflux condition, which was first introduced to us in the above Happy Birthday video. I think it clears up a lot of the confusion caused by that video because now we know he was not choking on anything, he just had acid reflux. Does everybody know that now? Can we move on? Thank you.

1:26-3:01 – The Real Choke-Up!
Billoon starts to recap some of the famous people who died in the previous months – Walter Cronkite, specifically, but this time, something goes wrong. The glasses come off, his chest is pitty-patted, and his mustache is stroked. Billoon’s getting choked up again! Only this time, it’s the real deal. It’s not acid reflux, and I can tell this because he doesn’t have to use his Walgreen’s Brand Antacid Tablets. There are some real tears being shed here. I’m not sure why, but I think that Walter Cronkite must have held a special place in Billoon’s fatty heart. I really like how at 2:26, right when Billoon is rubbing his eyes, he lets out a big sigh, which just happens to coincide with a train passing by his trailer, and it looks as if that loud, sad train whistle is being released from within his own nasal passages. Indeed. Well, put, Billoon45. Well put.

3:02-5:18 – The Recession is Over and Oh Yeah, Michael Jackson Died, Too.
So that’s it. “The recession is easy” and, according to Billon45, it’s done with, and things are finally looking up. We have all made it through this tough time together. Way to go, everyone. But you should also know that Michael Jackson has died. Yep. You heard it here first. Or in case you already heard about that back in June, now you’ve heard it again from Billoon45, so it’s officially official.

5:19-5:53 – A Really Great Story
At the end of this video, Billoon gets about 1/10 of the way through telling a story about his first recession when his webcam shuts off, once again proving that Billoon cannot understand the simplest of devices and/or the simplest of YouTube functions (Direct Recording from Webcam). Will he ever re-tell this story? Does Billoon ever watch the videos he uploads to make sure that they are complete or not completely retarded? More importantly, why am I still reviewing Billoon45′s “Month in Reviews” and why are you reading this?

The Bottom Line:

I am a sick man. I cannot stop wasting my life, watching Billoon45 wasting his life on the internet. And I can’t stop encouraging you to join me in this awful activity. Each and every month, I get frustrated because Billoon45 rarely makes sense, has any unique insights on life, or offers anything truly interesting to say. And then I get on this website and try to make it make sense and it just doesn’t work. Billoon will always be retarded. He will always say and do dumb things. None of it will be surprising, yet I will always be amazed and delighted and upset.

I am utterly defeated by idiocy.

But I will see you here again next month. Blorg!

I’m gonna keep this review short n’ sweet, just like Billoon45 does in this month’s Month in Review. Why? Cuz I’ve got too damn many things to do and I apologize for that from the bottom of my scrotum. So let’s dig in!

Moments of Interest:

:01-:57 – Smarm Alert – Level 5!
Once again, Billoon45 seems to have had a good month for himself. Just look at that smug little smile of his, spreading across the frame like a fresh shit smear on your favorite pair of shorts. Apparently, two of his videos have been chosen to air on television! This is huge news, not just for television, but also for people who like watching other people look stupid on television. I cannot wait to see what Billoon45′s Tosh.0 shoot was like, but if his touching travel video documenting that trip to Hollywood is any indication, I think this is going to be a very sweet TV moment indeed. Mark July 16th, 2009, on your calendars, y’all. It’s about to get really real up in this mug.

:58-1:55 – Video Vindication
Billoon was informed found out informed or found out (one or the other) that he didn’t lose children’s school janitor job because he posts videos of himself sexually assaulting balloons on the internet, he lost it because he refuses to “kowtow to the powers that be.”
Let me first to shout out a personal “thank you” to Billoon45 for using the word “kowtow.” I am truly shocked and delighted that he has that word in his brain and it was a brave choice of diction to display during this obviously sensitive issue. Also, can’t wait for this juicy bomb to drop. What ace does Billoon have up his grease-stained sleeve? Look out, certain school district!

1:56-2:24 – Lost Memories
After treating us to the sounds of the entire state of Indiana’s fireworks display, Billoon45 starts to relate the events of his family’s 4th of July extravaganza, only to be cut off suddenly by his chubby finger clicking the “STOP RECORDING” button on his webcam. What gems and insights do you think humanity lost when he did that? How long did Billoon45 ramble on to his camera before realizing his mistake? Why can’t Billoon45 figure out how to use child-friendly webcam controls? Why am I wasting my time asking you all of these things?

The Bottom Line:

There ain’t much of a Bottom Line this month. I feel like the Big Kahuna wave of Billoon45′s fame and glory is about to hit the airwaves of the world and we can do nothing to escape it. Stay tuned indeed, Billoon. It’s going to be one wild ride…

Do you have anything to add to this? If so, leave a comment below or leave it as a comment on Billoon45′s channel.

Until next month’s “Month in Review,” happy inflations and shut up.

First of all, I want to say, “Well, hello, Billoon45. You are looking sleek and slick over there! You trimmed up all your head hair and your mustache hairs and you are just glowing with cuteness.”

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to “da bizness.” If you will recall, last month’s Billoon45 Month in Review Review unarguably left us hanging with all sorts of questions. This one does more of the same…and then some!

Here we go!

Moments of Interest:

:01-:27 – The Big Trip!
Let’s face it, Billoon looks like he got laid on his trip. And I’m not talking by a helium-filled piece of rubber, I’m talking about a fat-filled, hairy, flesh-and-blood piece of vagina. He had himself a little romance on the road. I can’t prove this with hard facts, but this dude’s face, his animated mannerisms, and his sly little eyebrow-noddings say it all. This is the fanciest I’ve ever seen Billoon dress. He’s got on a crisp Bugle Boy button-up shirt, he’s probably wearing pants, and he might have even bathed within the past week. I see big changes in store for this dude. As final proof of the above statement, reload this page and look at the video’s thumbnail. Billoon is cupping his face like a bashful schoolboy looking at a titty for the first time. He is smitten.

:28-:52 – Huh?
I don’t know what Billoon is trying to get across here, but I imagine that it means he had to run to Burger King after going to Wal-Mart with his friend (to perhaps buy his new Bugle Boy shirt). I love that he stifles a burp mid-sentence. That definitely means Burger King.

:53-1:14 – Unpacking
So he’s going to spend the rest of the week unpacking from his trip. And he’s going to do it “the best he can.” I imagine that the best anyone could possibly unpack from a trip is by completely unpacking all of the items that were packed for the trip. I don’t know how you could do better than that, unless you somehow finish up and find out that you now have more things than what you had packed. An unsuccessful unpacking job is one in which you leave a bunch of stuff still packed up for no good reason. I hope that doesn’t happen for Billoon. Guess we’ll find out later in the week…

1:15-1:28 – Reiterating the Vlog’s Title
It’s nice that Billoon reminds us about what we’re watching. I mean, I had read all of this in the title, just a centimeter above the video, but I kind of forgot, and just as my disorientation and confusion reached its zenith, Billoon swooped in and saved my retarded ass. We are indeed watching the late edition to his Month in Review for May (of course). Thank you.

1:29-1:55 – Too Many Secrets!
He can’t say anything about his visit, except that it was good. Fuck! We’ll just have to figure out what happened? Dammit! Grrrrrr!

1:56-2:32 – Grooming Techniques with Billoon45
Two important things to remember:
1 – If you want a shorter beard, you can’t be lazy about shaving.
2 – If you want to keep your hair lower, you just trim it down and give it a good level.
Cool? Cool.

2:33-3:19 – No New Balloon Technologies
You can almost taste the sour bitterness of boredom in Billoon’s mouth when he says that there’s nothing new in the world of balloons for him to explore. I think that statement sums up the beauty and horror that is Billoon45. Here is a man who has so thoroughly experimented with balloon-fucking, he’s now throwing down the gauntlet, not just to the rest of the balloon-fucking community, but also I think to the balloon manufacturers of the world: Show Billoon something new and wonderful. Take him to new orgiastic heights, either with larger balloons, squeakier materials, or latex shapes with more interesting hump-friendly facets and crevices that he’s never imagined before. Is this even possible? Only time will tell…

The Bottom Line:

The best thing about this being the Late Edition to the Month in Review is that, theoretically, we only have a couple of weeks before the next Month in Review hits the newsstands. It’s obviously been a good month, Billoon is uncharacteristically and mysteriously happy, and it looks like there is no chance of this happy streak slowing down. I’m going to go on record here that 2009 will bring us some of the best Month in Reviews ever. Please quote me on that to all of your friends.

Do you have anything to add to this? If so, leave a comment below or leave it as a comment on Billoon45′s channel.

Until next month’s “Month in Review,” happy inflations.

So now that you’ve read my introductory post for this new review feature, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty meats and potato of this month’s review of Billoon45′s “Month in Review”. Below is Billoon’s video for April 2009, and below that I will offer my professional analysis, opinions, and unique insights regarding all the various inane, retarded revelations pouring out of Billoon45′s crusted mouth.

Moments of interest:

:01-:12 – A Big Billoon Apology
I have no idea what Billoon is referring to here, but since this video is labeled as a “reshoot,” I can only imagine that he must have uploaded a truly awful April 2009 “Month in Review,” and then later decided that it was sub-par to the flawless one we are now lucky enough to see above. I like how Billoon calls himself “one tired puppy” and then looks down and wipes his brow as if he’s truly disappointed in himself and what he did. I think he should do this more often regarding much more important aspects of his life.

:34-1:18 – Unresolved Copyright Issues
In this confused, rambling chunk of dialogue, I think that Billoon is trying to explain that someone wrongly flagged some of his videos on YouTube as containing copyrighted materials. And I think he’s also trying to say that this issue might or might not be resolved. Gosh, I hope it is.

1:19-1:57 – A Really Badass Threat!
Again, I’m not quite sure about anything that Billoon is talking about in this part (which is sad since I watch every one of his “Month in Reviews” and I should know everything), but using the context clues, I have a loose theory that someone found some old, embarrassing videos of Billoon45 and has posted them somewhere. But little did this person know that their actions would warrant one of the scariest threats to ever grace the internet’s infinite storage space: “Either they take [the videos] off, or they face something…uh…or they face something.” Yeah, that’ll tell ‘em, Billoon. Nobody wants to face anything. Expecting a full apology from all guilty parties and complete video takedown results in 3…2…1…

1:58-2:35 – The Inner Circle
What does Billoon know that we don’t? It is driving me crazy! “Something spectacular happened?” Someone “went into” his videos? This is some mysterious, multi-layered sci-fi shit going down here. And only Billoon knows the truth, But apparently, according to Billoon, some other important people also know the truth…those in his Inner Circle. Who are these people? And how did they penetrate his Inner Circle? What will this secret knowledge mean for the rest of the civilized world? I have a feeling there’s more than meets the eye going on here…

2:36-2:48 – The Prophet Speaketh
Billoon instructs all of us to “wait for it” and that “the day is coming soon.” I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are all here, Billoon45, humbly waiting and praying for something to happen sometime, somehow, and somewhere.

3:00-3:50 – A Big Trip
In 19 days, Billoon is taking some kind of trip out west? One can only speculate about the why’s and where’s and how’s of this trip. Does this mean that we’ll get to hear about the trip in May’s “Month in Review?” Notice that he sighed and wistfully declared that this trip could change his life for the better. I smell a romance somewhere in this trip! What more can he say on that, indeed? Oh, everything pretty much, please!

3:51-3:54 – This is-Ack! Ugh!
Just as Billoon is doing his signature video sign-off, the video suddenly cuts off in the middle of “Billoon4-”. What the hell is going on? Was he going to say “45?” Or is that mysterious Billoon54 rearing his bald, mustachioed head again? Just who is the real deal here? Was this an accidental push of a button before his vlog was truly over? Or did someone disable Billoon’s webcam and/or dial-up connection during this very key segment? Did Billoon have more to tell us? Is Billoon ok? Aarrrggh!

The Bottom Line:

Once again, Billoon45′s “Month in Review” leaves me with way more questions than answers concerning what’s really going on in his world. Will I ever be able to solve all the mysteries and connect all the dots before my head explodes from all the stressful waiting, information processing, and hypothesizing that I do?

Do you have some answers? If so, leave them in the comments below or leave them as comments on Billoon45′s channel because he needs to understand that we can’t take all this intrigue anymore. It’s much too much!

Until next month’s “Month in Review,” happy inflations.