August 5th, 2009
July of ’09 was a big month for the world of Earth and perhaps an even bigger month for the world of Billoon45, the balloon-humping superstar of the internet’s Youtube and TV’s Tosh.0. Every month, Billoon films a “Month in Review,” in which he somehow perfectly sums up all of the exciting happenings in his life. And on this website, I review these reviews.
But before I dig into reviewing last month’s review, which I will affectionately call, “Happy Burpday,” I must preface it with another video, one in which Billoon decides to record a special Happy Birthday message for one lucky YouTuber. If you think it starts a little slow or seems like a typical, boring happy birthday video, well, just trust me and watch it all the way through. Then we shall discuss:
Wasn’t that a sweet moment Billoon shared with us – him almost choking to death on stomach acids and half-digested Jimmy Dean sausages? He could’ve just deleted that horrible, disgusting, uncomfortable first attempt at the video and re-recorded it, but no, Billoon just left it up there for us to see and enjoy forever.
But that’s nothing. In this month’s “Month in Review,” Billoon gets even more choked up, but for other reasons. Let’s watch it together!
Moments of Interest:
:01-:13 – Let’s Get Back to Basics!
Right out of the gate, I gotta say that Billoon looks fantastic this month – he’s got new glasses, he’s wearing a collared shirt, his mustache is brown. Wow times three. I think it’s got something to do with his recent appearance on Comedy Central’s Tosh.0, who flew him out to Hollywood, put him up in a fancy hotel, and probably paid him dozens upon hundreds of dollars to make a boob of himself once again. Thank you, Comedy Central, for sprucing this dude up!
:14-:56 – The Recession Hits Home!
I guess my above theory just got blown out of the water. Billoon doesn’t have any money, except for food, clothes, and Walgreen’s Brand Antacid Tablets! Billoon makes me feel like such an idiot sometimes. By the way, clever product placement, Billoon. Now you’ve got me wanting some of those antacid tablets for myself!
:57-1:25 – Reflux Redux
Billoon talks about his crippling acid reflux condition, which was first introduced to us in the above Happy Birthday video. I think it clears up a lot of the confusion caused by that video because now we know he was not choking on anything, he just had acid reflux. Does everybody know that now? Can we move on? Thank you.
1:26-3:01 – The Real Choke-Up!
Billoon starts to recap some of the famous people who died in the previous months – Walter Cronkite, specifically, but this time, something goes wrong. The glasses come off, his chest is pitty-patted, and his mustache is stroked. Billoon’s getting choked up again! Only this time, it’s the real deal. It’s not acid reflux, and I can tell this because he doesn’t have to use his Walgreen’s Brand Antacid Tablets. There are some real tears being shed here. I’m not sure why, but I think that Walter Cronkite must have held a special place in Billoon’s fatty heart. I really like how at 2:26, right when Billoon is rubbing his eyes, he lets out a big sigh, which just happens to coincide with a train passing by his trailer, and it looks as if that loud, sad train whistle is being released from within his own nasal passages. Indeed. Well, put, Billoon45. Well put.
3:02-5:18 – The Recession is Over and Oh Yeah, Michael Jackson Died, Too.
So that’s it. “The recession is easy” and, according to Billon45, it’s done with, and things are finally looking up. We have all made it through this tough time together. Way to go, everyone. But you should also know that Michael Jackson has died. Yep. You heard it here first. Or in case you already heard about that back in June, now you’ve heard it again from Billoon45, so it’s officially official.
5:19-5:53 – A Really Great Story
At the end of this video, Billoon gets about 1/10 of the way through telling a story about his first recession when his webcam shuts off, once again proving that Billoon cannot understand the simplest of devices and/or the simplest of YouTube functions (Direct Recording from Webcam). Will he ever re-tell this story? Does Billoon ever watch the videos he uploads to make sure that they are complete or not completely retarded? More importantly, why am I still reviewing Billoon45′s “Month in Reviews” and why are you reading this?
The Bottom Line:
I am a sick man. I cannot stop wasting my life, watching Billoon45 wasting his life on the internet. And I can’t stop encouraging you to join me in this awful activity. Each and every month, I get frustrated because Billoon45 rarely makes sense, has any unique insights on life, or offers anything truly interesting to say. And then I get on this website and try to make it make sense and it just doesn’t work. Billoon will always be retarded. He will always say and do dumb things. None of it will be surprising, yet I will always be amazed and delighted and upset.
I am utterly defeated by idiocy.
But I will see you here again next month. Blorg!