Survivor Series 2009: What I'd Do vs. What They'll Do
November 21st, 2009
Chances are if you’re reading this then you understand professional wrestling and you are familiar with the Survivor Series format. If you have no idea what I’m talking about then run. Run far, far away. Run so far that you won’t think I’m crazy. Because check it- I think this might be one of the most interesting pay-per-view cards in the history of pro wrestling. Definitely top twenty. Maybe top fifteen. Possibly cracks the top ten. Possibly. Run!
Team Morrison vs. Team Miz
What I’d Do
Before the match, The Miz bets John Morrison that he’ll get more pins than him and when the bell rings, he demands to compete against Fit Finlay, who he eventually eliminates. This is good because it gets rid of Fit Finlay. He wipes his hands clean as if to say, “Your turn” and tags in one of his teammates. Let’s say, oh, Drew McIntyre. Morrison eliminates McIntyre which is good because Drew McIntyre doesn’t even have a working profile page on WWE.com. Next, Dolph Ziggler (who I love) puts in some good work on Shelton Benjamin or Matt Hardy (both of whom are bait for all the really awesome new guys on Team Miz) and right before he gets the pin, The Miz manages to “steal” it. The Miz is more concerned with his side bet and his teammates are picking up on it. Sheamus gets disqualified after destroying the other side of the bait and The Miz scores the pin on the victim. Miz also steals a Jack Swagger pin fall over Evan Bourne, adding more heat to Swagger/The Miz and making this a three-on-one. Just as it seems Morrison is down for count, Miz tags himself in to cash in on the prize but instead gets rolled up and pinned. Ziggler eventually pins Morrison. Survivors: Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler
What They’ll Do
Hornswoggle gets involved somehow. Fit Finlay dominates. All the good young talent doesn’t get put over because somehow The Miz, Sheamus, John Morrison, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler and Evan Bourne all get eliminated at the same time. Survivor: Hornswoggle
Batista vs. Rey Mysterio
What I’d Do
Starts off as a complete squash match for Batista, who doesn’t make a pin because he’s all evil now. The announcers are in, “Oh get this over with” mode for almost the entire match. Rey makes a small run towards the end but Batista gets a very convincing win. I’d like it if Mysterio bled from his mask, but I don’t think I’ll get what I want. Winner: Batista
What They’ll Do
The announcers constantly talk about Mysterio’s strong heart and I miss his pin because the pizza’s here. Also, I don’t rewind it. Batista hugs Rey after the match. Winner: Rey Mysterio
Team Mickie vs. Team Michelle
What I’d Do
Take a shit. Winner: Toilet Bowl
What They’ll Do
Make these people wrestle. Loser: The Viewers
Team Kingston vs. Team Orton
What I’d Do
This is a tough one. The following people don’t need to be put over: Randy Orton, MVP, CM Punk, Christian. The following people should never be put over: William Regal, Mark Henry, R-Truth. The following people need to be put over: Kofi Kingston. That said, I don’t think that Kofi Kingston standing tall here will do the trick. We are definitely in 1999 Mick Foley mode, with the Randy Orton cast in The Rock’s place. The closer Kofi gets, the more chances he’ll get to overcome Orton, but it shouldn’t happen until the Rumble or Wrestlemania. I think that after the funk eliminates the funk we’re left with Orton, Dibiase and CM Punk vs. Kingston, Christian and MVP. I’d like to see multiple survivors here and since the heels took our other traditional match, I’ll have some faces survive after Orton and Kingston get double DQ’d. Survivors: Christian and MVP
What They’ll Do
Not be patient enough to let Kofi Kingston grow. Rush him into defeating Orton for the final elimination. R-Truth will debut a really good song, Mark Henry will look upset. Survivor: Kofi Kingston
HHH vs. John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
What I’d Do
As tired of these guys as I am, this is a really beautiful match. I’d like to see HHH and HBK team up against Cena the entire time. They keep acting as though they are about to compete against each other but it never happens. Cena is bloodied and makes a couple of runs at DX, but it never works out. With Cena clearly about to lose his belt, HHH and Michaels stands on top of him and they cover him at the same time. The winner and new champion is not the individuals, but DX. Winner: DX (Also, notice how non-threatening HHH looks in the picture. Is that the softest he’s ever looked?)
What They’ll Do
Some bullshit where everyone shakes hands in the ring and merchandise gets sold. Cena still champion. Winner (Loser): John Cena
The Big Show vs. The Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho
What I’d Do
Though they’ll argue and push/shove throughout the entire match, The Big Show and Chris Jericho remain on the same page and double team the Undertaker. As they are arguing over who will score the pin, the lights go out. Flames. Fire. Heat. All that stuff. Lights back on and all three men are laid out. Kane stands in the middle. Pause for dramatic effect. Then Chris Jericho and The Big Show stand up with ease. The Big Show walks over to Kane, they shake hands and Jericho scores the pin. Chris Jericho is world champion again and this time he’s got two big bodyguards with him. Next week’s Smackdown not only has Kane is a suit, but his intro music is mashed in with Jericho and Big Show’s. Jericho’s gift to Kane is not only a rebirth similar to Big Show’s, but his half of the tag team championship. Winner: Chris Jericho
What They’ll Do
I regret ordering pizza and drinking soda while the Undertaker slowly walks away from the ring carrying his championship belt. Loser: Me
