A Play-By-Play of The Drunkest Guy Ever Video

There’s a video spreading across the web that shows security camera footage of the drunkest dude in the world trying (and terrifically failing) to get some beer at a convenience store. Studio 8 Writer Truston Aillet has seen this video and now he’s written a nice companion piece to help explain exactly what really happened to the poor, misunderstood man who has now become the internet’s plaything for the next five minutes. Here’s the video, and below that is Truston’s stunning play-by-play of events:

What you’re really seeing in the above video:

0:05 - The gentleman puts a quarter into the coin slot at the edge of the counter to make the store start to spin and tilt on its axis, causing him to sway to and fro, off balance.

0:18 – 0:37 – The gentleman appears to freeze as, off-camera, a Tyrannosaurus Rex passes by, on the hunt for a fresh kill that it can offer its young back at the nest. The gentleman knows that a large carnivore like the T-Rex has a movement-tracking sense of sight. Only by standing completely statuesque like this will he save himself.

0:44 – It is revealed that there is a powerful magnet hidden on the shelf behind the potato chips and that this fellow has metal components in his back to which the magnet holds powerful attraction.

0:49 – The left foot becomes withered due to the exerted force the gentleman uses to free himself from the magnetic pull.

0:54 – It is revealed that there is a powerful cooling fan behind this particular glass door, which is strong enough to push back those who dare to stand in front of it.

1:02 – It is obvious that there is a deadly King Cobra or silly mongoose in the freezer next to the beverages, as the gentleman is seen standing as far back from his desired drink as possible.

1:15 – A horse fly lands in the gentleman’s eyeball and burrows into his brain.

1:17 – With fly buzzing around the gentleman’s skull, he finds it difficult to keep a steady and straight path, eventually realizing that his only hope is to break dance (1:22) to release the fly from his head.

1:25 – The fly pops out of his head and the gentleman kicks it with his right foot. Notice how he watches it buzz around his head for a few seconds until it eventually flies away.

1:31 – The gentleman grabs the fly with left hand, revealing quick reflexes and serpentine striking power. He holds onto the fly for a moment and then kicks it away again with his right foot (1:35).

1:36 – The gentleman reveals to viewers his Native American heritage by sitting “Indian style” and then proceeds to show us how difficult it is to maintain such a rigid posture, causing us to marvel and respect Native American culture all the more.

1:52 – 2:02 – The gentleman balances on his hip, rocking back and forth, displaying incredible agility.

2:02 – 2:56 – The gentleman proceeds to do a series of dance moves, taking use of his time on the floor to showboat a truly remarkable exhibition of ground technique (ex: the Head Jerk, the Cross Leg Hump, the Scoot Back, Blind Man’s Bluff, and the Whiplash) until his aging father shows up and gives him a firm “talking-to”.

3:14 – The gentleman wipes away a single tear at the humiliation and shame of his white-haired retarded father who has never approved of his dancing or of his Native American traditions.

3:17 – The gentleman’s father, their neighbor, and his Uncle Mallooney come to wake the gentleman up and get him ready for school.

3:22 – Uncle Mallooney is not impressed with the gentleman’s lazy attitude and he makes his displeasure evident with a stern hand on his own hip.

3:24 – The gentleman’s father tries to play a game of Limbo with the gentleman, but the gentleman is no longer a child and wishes not to be treated as such.

3:26 – The gentleman’s father is ashamed of the kind of dad he has been for most of the gentleman’s life and he tries to hold onto his son, extending his hand and grasping the gentleman’s shoulder, but the gentleman thinks it is too late for apologies, and with youthful rebellion, does not recognize the father’s plea for forgiveness. The neighbor and Uncle Mallooney have disappeared to have homosexual intercourse.

3:35 – The father wipes away a tear of his own. For his son. For his shitty establishment. For the blood farts that build up in his underdrawers.

3:44 – The gentleman thinks of leaving, but then remembers that he has not yet put a tip in the tip bowl.

3:45 – The gentleman is shot in the chest by an unknown assailant. The force of the impact blows the poor lad backwards. He stumbles into a shelf of energy drinks, gurgling blood and trying to breathe with a collapsing lung. Still, for the love of a father who never loved him back, he refuses to spill the tip bowl. He dies trying to hand the bowl to his Uncle Mallooney, the one man whom he knows can potentially turn a profit and bring his father out of the life-long debt that has stolen his joy.

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