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Originally posted May 2005

The May Gays

       Last week I got the opportunity to audition for a lead role in a new series that's being shopped to HBO. My agent called me and gave me the times and the place and sent me a piece of the script to read. It felt like the casting directors really liked me and as I was leaving the room, one of them pulled me aside and casually asked me if I had any problem doing nude scenes. I told them I didn't, because I don't. Then he asked me if I had any problem doing simulated sex scenes and make-out scenes. With men.

       As I was riding my bike home from the audition, my mom called me and asked me how it went and what was the role, etc. After I explained it to her, she did that nervous mom laughter thing and then quickly said something like, "It's a good thing it's just acting, right, huh?" and then didn't give me enough time to respond to the question. She just asked me what I ate for breakfast or something.

       This isn't anything new, however, as I feel like my parents have had a sneaking suspicion that their son might be homosexual. I've never had a really great excuse for breaking up with past girlfriends except that they're boring and aren't fun anymore. Those are great excuses for me, but I think my parents have always thought that I was making it up, because maybe, just maybe....he's gay.

       Then I had a streak of almost two years in college that I didn't seriously date anyone and my parents would always throw dinner parties and ask me to bring someone. I would bring home a friend (a male friend) on occasion and other times I wouldn't bring anyone. The times a guy was with me, someone in the family would make some half-joke like, "Oh Chris, your date is really pretty...how long have you been together?" I guess they were expecting me to say, "Oh gross, shut up! No way, I'm not a fag!" Then the times I was alone they would really put the pressure on me and ask me about my love life. I was seeing a variety of women, but none that I really felt like bringing home to mom and dad.

        It got the point that my parents would call me weeks in advance and say things like, "We're having a party at the end of August. You should come and bring someone. Bring a girl, that would be nice. Yeah, you should bring a girl to the party. Are you seeing any girls right now? You can talk to us about your love life, you know."

        One thing that has never helped with the Is-Chris-Gay mystery is that I don't have any problem with people thinking that I am. Gay people don't disgust me, and I don't get all uncomfortable when my hand accidentally brushes up against a man. Also, I've never seriously said the words, "I'm going to fuck that bitch," or "I don't give a fuck about shit, just let me drink that shit," or "I'll kick your ass if you call me a fag again," or "That bitch was all up on my nuts," or "I just want some pussy, man" or "If I don't get pussy in five minutes I'm going to make my own pussy."

        So I've been doing lots of thinking about this role and I don't think that I would accept it. I can't help but think about all the actors that got started doing such a part and getting pigeonholed into playing that character for the rest of their careers. If I were gay that may not be something I'd worry about - but I'm not gay. I know, sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not gay.

        Let's look at Kerr Smith: His big break was in Dawson's Creek as the gay guy "Jack." Since then, this guy has been stuck with being gay in almost every role he's had. The same exact thing has happened to Colin Farrell, Morgan Freeman, Ellen Degeneres, and almost half of those Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Guys. And lots of other people, too. I swear, it has happened to LOTS of other people. Just look it up.

        While I'm not a gay man however, that doesn't mean that gay things haven't happened to me. Gay Story #1: One time I was taking a dump in the Middleton Library at LSU. I was dumping on the third floor, which I later found out was the home base for a lot of mischievous gay activity. I forget to lock the door, which is completely weird, and a guy walks in on me as I'm wiping the shit from my butt's hole. He stares at me, apologizes, then stares some more. This doesn't bother me, though - what bothers me is that I notice a pair of dark brown loafers standing outside of the door after he closed it. Waiting for me. It's the same guy and he's just standing there and I've already wiped my butt so I don't know how else to stall. (Zing!!)

         I'm late for class so I just get up and bolt out the second the shoes leave my sight. I get to the elevator thinking I made a clean escape. Just as the elevator doors are closing, a hand slides in between, causing them to re-open. It's my new friend.

          We have three floors together and he wastes no time. He asks me if I feel up for letting him put his mouth around my penis. I told him no and he said, "Seriously. I want to." Then he looked like he wanted to beat me up. I still told him no and when the elevator opened on the first floor, I quickly walked out. I think the way I walked made me look gay, though, so I don't know if it did the trick.

          Another time, New Years 2000, (Gay Story #2!) I was seeing this girl who's name, face, or anything else, I don't recall. We were at a party in a strange land, staying with people we didn't know very well. What happens is the party host, some big muscular man, keeps telling me I have pretty eyes and my date that she has a nice body. At the end of the night when we went to sleep on his dining room floor, her and I are telling each other stories while she is on top of me. This guy comes and lays down on top of her and is looking at me in the eyes and says, "HOW ABOUT WE MAKE THIS A PARTY FOR 3?!?!?" We said no and then tried to leave but we didn't know how to get home. So we were stuck and it was awkward and I thought about being in the belly of a monster and how much comfortable that would have been.

          My last gay story is the one where me and these four really sexy body builders took a random road trip to the beach and bought this giant stereo that was special because it played every single hit we wanted to hear. We listened to the stereo all weekend long and looked at each other's bodies steaming in the sun. That one is real long-winded though, and really isn't that good.

          This column cross listed at Studio8.net.
 

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