The History of the Gift

           Perhaps one of the most stressful times of the year for anyone who knows someone who is expecting a present from them for being their friend is this time. Christmas time. I’ve gotten some pretty fun presents in my time, I’ve given some pretty fun presents, and I’ve also not given nor received some fun presents. All of these statements can be considered completely or partially true.

            Leslie Hall and that Michelle Girl
            I remember very clearly that the first girl I had romantic feelings for was Angela Palmisano. We went to pre-K together and she lived a couple of streets down from me. We were separated for a long until 5^th grade, when a new girl was introduced in Ms. Benoit’s class. It was Angela. Unfortunately, she made nice with Kenny, the St. Charles Borromeo wigger. (Wigger is a socially acceptable slang term for calling someone a white nigger). I had to settle for Angela’s neighbor and fellow classmate Leslie Hall.

            When it was time to buy her a present, I got her a $10 bracelet from some cheap jewelry store. And much like this story, the entire experience was cheap, easily broken, and a let-down in the end. We didn’t even have sex!

            For revenge, I started going out with Leslie’s neighbor and Angela’s cousin, Michelle Something. I got her a bracelet, too. And can you believe this – we didn’t have sex, either. I hated 5^th grade because you couldn’t have sex then. I remember feeling like I was being used and I also remember feeling very horny.

             My Dastardly Aunt Mary
            I have an older brother and his “god” “mother” was our Aunt Laurie. That means that she pays him special attention when it comes to gifts. It all evens out though, because I also had a “god” “mother” and so did my little “sister.” My brother would get trips to Florida and fun gadgets. My Aunt Mary got me subscriptions to Christian magazines. Not Christian the wrestler, either. I’d be much more excited reading about him than Jesus.

            I got this subscription every single year. My childhood fantasies came true many years later when my Aunt Mary went nuts and decided she hated our family and refused to attend family gatherings and started divvying out false and barely-thought-out accusations. You know, like a good Christian! Now that I'm older and more mature, I can appreciate her gifts more. Like last Christmas when she didn't show up anywhere and hurt anyone's feelings.

             Gift Giving and Receiving Secrets

	Above: Look at this Shithead! Hey, Shithead, what are you doing?

- The tighter, prettier, or glitzier the wrapping paper is, the better your present will function. Make sure to put the maximum effort allowed into this phase of present presentation. After all, everyone loves a mystery! Unless…

- -                         -  The gift recipient is either a baby, a dude with no hands, a poorly educated urban youth, or a combination of the three. Most babies don’t appreciate the elegance of a fine wrapped present, and your tight wrapping will only remind the dude with no hands of his handicap. Tip: Try place the handicap dude’s present right in front of him on a flat surface. Ask him to close his eyes and place a sheet of paper on top of the present. When he opens his eyes, he won’t be able to see what the present is (like everyone else; remember: he won’t want special treatment) and he can easily blow the paper off, revealing the true identity of his present. Don’t do this for urban youth, though, because they will get upset.

-                          When in a relationship, have several talks with your partner about determining an amount that each of you will spend on each other. Treat these talks like important meetings, complete with lots of scrap paper, arguing, promises, and naps. Whatever amount you determine, assume your partner will go way overboard with her purchasing, so you do the same. When it’s time to exchange and you find that she didn’t go overboard, refuse to smile for the rest of the day and call her a cunt in front of your family.

 -            When opening a present that you don't think you will like, quickly run to the bathroom with the present. Find a way to cut yourself with the present and when the blood is nice and spread out, walk back to the living room and hand the present back to the giver. Don't say a word.

-              Assume everyone you will see between Thanksgiving and Christmas needs a present, and never forgive anyone who doesn't reciprocate.