This Friday at approximately 11:15 AM,
the Union’s Tiger Lair section will finally receive its much needed and
anticipated facelift. Among the changes in store for students are new
restaurants, new employees, a new atmosphere, a new look, and last, but
certainly not least, some new changes.
University officials say that after “a rather
lengthy process of researching construction agencies and debating their
merits,” which took over two hours, they ultimately decided to contract A
Little Bit of Change Can’t Hurt (ALBOCCH), a brand new organizational firm
that specializes in the organization and reorganization of organizations.
“They were cheap and
affordable,” said university director Jean Barlot, who refused to say anything
further during his interview. The awkward silence which followed almost topped
the Campus Dirt’s current interview awkward silence record, which
stands at just about fifteen minutes.
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Above: A sample of
the cardboard employees that will soon decorate the Tiger Lair while students
serve food to themselves. |
According to ALBOCCH spokespeople, the
agency’s first alteration will involve the employees who work within the Tiger
Lair cafeteria. After examining the employees at work for a little less than
five minutes, ALBOCCH developers decided to replace all workers with
moderately-detailed cardboard cut-out replicas of cafeteria employees. These
94 cardboard substitutes will cost $50,000 apiece to produce. All former Tiger
Lair workers may still receive paychecks, though they will not be allowed
anywhere near campus.
As far as culinary changes are
concerned, university officials say they hope to give students more options.
At a press conference that will
be held tomorrow at 6:30 AM in the Pete Maravich Assembly Center (tickets
available at Ticketmaster.com), the Union’s Senior Treasurer, Brett Horley,
stated, “We understand that students who have been here for 3 or 5 years may
be tired of the same old variety of eating establishments. We’re going to
remedy that by removing Pizza Hut, Chick-Fil-A, and Upper Crust, replacing
them with something hipper, better tasting, more ‘pop-ish,’ and more in-depth,
namely, Sicily’s Pizza, Church’s Chicken, and Blimpie’s Subs.
“The students should be
impressed with these changes and will understand why we did them,” said
Dillard Carwell, who oversees various university activities every day. “We did
it for the students. That’s why we did it. For the students.”
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Above: Two students
enjoying a meal in the Tiger Lair. They are suing us for using this picture
without their permission. |
The most worthwhile modification to the Tiger
Lair will be the complete revamping of its atmosphere, which LBOCCH developers
hope to achieve by installing a state-of-the-art system of “menu floors” into
the current plain tile floors.
These menu floors, which have
met with mild success in China and some regions of Argentina, supposedly make
ordering food faster and easier for today’s busy consumers by listing the
prices of all food items served in the Tiger Lair on each and every tile in
the cafeteria. Some tiles will be programmed to play loveable movies such as
Shrek, The Fast and the Furious, and Forrest Gump. A few
tiles will also run a list of the names of those lost in the terrorist attacks
of September 11, 2001, whenever the tragedy’s anniversary draws near or
Americans need to be patriotically aroused to support a new war being waged by
the president.
Carwell stated that other minor renovations
to the Tiger Lair will include a new currency exchanging system, a new name,
and a new location, all of which have yet to be determined.
All of the above Tiger Lair
transformations will take the university more than six months to complete.
While construction is in progress, no students will be allowed access to the
Tiger Lair. Students wishing to purchase food and/or drink must visit either
the LSU Mini-Mart on Dalrymple Drive or one of the two on-campus cafeterias.
In un-related news, ALBOCCH just
won a bid to remodel the two university cafeterias. As of the posting of this
article, both the Pentagon Dining Unit and Highland Cafeteria will be closed
until further notice.
This just in: Prices in the LSU
Mini-Mart have just quintupled.
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