In a recent press conference, LSU publicized its decision to reprimand university football head coach Nick Saban for undisclosed reasons. Saban’s punishment will begin in the fall semester when, instead of leading the Tigers into athletic battle on the football field, he will be leading a crew of dedicated pretzel-making employees into commercial battle in the LSU Union.

      As assistant manager of the Union’s forthcoming pretzel retail outlet, Pretzels with a Twist, Saban will be responsible for maintaining a clean store, training an efficient serving crew, and consistently producing fresh oversized, unsalted pretzels.

	Above: Saban next to an LSU football helmet, which will be a rare sight from now on.

      “Hopefully this fall, I can take my team, whip them into shape, take on our competition, and make LSU proud,” Saban told reporters. “However, let it be known that I have no skills that would be considered applicable to life outside of the football field, so this will probably just end up being an embarrassing mess for all involved.”

     Saban has begun scouting for employees and feels that he will have a strong working roster in time for the store’s construction in July.

     Darla Harris, who applied for a cashier job at Pretzels with a Twist, said, “That assistant manager guy Nick is kind of creepy. He’s always yelling at us and blowing his whistle, even when we’re, like, standing right there next to him. He reminds me of my old high school PE coach.”

     Another future pretzel-molding employee who wishes to remain anonymous added, “He wears these headphones for no reason and throws them all over the place when he gets mad, which is like every five minutes. He has some sort of playbook that’s got all sorts of weird designs drawn in it for making pretzels, too.”

	Above: The old-timey pretzel kitchen where Saban will work.

     The LSU football team, left without any leadership or hope for its next season, is already displaying the negative effects of Saban’s recent relocation.

     “We don’t play football anymore,” said Terrence Drarf, midlineman for the team. “All of us guys try to have football practices by ourselves, but we end up just ordering pizzas and playing Grand Theft Racing 4 on Playstation all day. Most of us study now, too, which doesn’t make any sense. I hope Coach comes back soon.”

     LSU officials haven’t agreed upon the length of Saban’s punishment, though they are sure that Saban must work in the Union for a minimum of two years or 150,000 sold pretzels, whichever comes first.