One of LSU’s most esteemed professors, Dr. Quentin Branford, walked out in the middle of his History 2100 lecture on Friday, supposedly never to return.  A group of students witnessed as the obviously angry Branford got in his car and drove off, screaming, “I’m done trying to teach anything else to the knuckle-head students at this so-called university!”

     Sophomore Jayson Ghanery shrugged and said, “I heard that some professor was all mad and quitting, and somebody told me that it was that old guy who stands in front of my history class all the time and talks about boring stuff.”

	Above: Branford says sometimes he hates students so much, he gives himself diarrhea.

     Branford says that his desire to instruct at LSU has been gradually worn down by the apathy and inattentiveness of his students over the past few years.  He also cites his recent students’ meager attempts at completing homework, their decreasing amount of respect for authority, and an increasing number of tempting and attractive freshman girls as additional reasons for his university withdrawal.

     “A few weeks ago, I came into class wearing one of my wife’s blouses and lectured for an hour on eighth-grade level algebra.  The few students who managed to drag themselves out of bed for 11:30 came in, pretended to listen as usual, and then left without saying a word about the fact that we never even discussed history,” Branford cried as he cleaned out the musty office that he has been his academic home for over thirty years.

     Supposedly, the final straw came for Dr. Branford a week before Spring Break when he gave out one coloring-book page to each of his students, telling them that it would be worth two full test grades to color them as they pleased.

     Glancing at a pile of fresh ashes, Branford muttered, “The class has a hundred and fifty students in it.  I only got twelve coloring pages back the next week when they were due.  Half of them weren’t even colored and the other half were just awful.  Coloring outside of the line, torn pages…I’ve seen better pictures in a kindergarten classroom.”

     "Last week, Professor Branford stared at the class for a while and then said our weekend homework assignment was just to party a lot,” freshman Francine Daigle said.  “I wish all LSU professors were like him, though he’s always depressed or something.  Maybe that’s why he’s quitting.”

     Branford hopes that his retirement will lead him far from college-aged people, who he feels have “sucked [him] dry and destroyed [his] faith in America’s future.”