Allegations of academic and/or administrative misconduct from a number of unconfirmed sources have thrown the LSU administration into a tailspin of paranoia, speculation, and deception.  Various investigations are supposedly being conducted within all University departments, but so far, no one is clarifying anything for anyone in any way.

     The Committee Committed to Exposing Collegiate Scandals recently decided to set up its permanent headquarters of operation in Baton Rouge so that it could focus more of its resources on LSU.

     Nathan Harrison, head director of the CCECS, stated, “Something is going on around here.  We haven’t found clues of any sort or gotten any of what you might call leads per se, but it’s just been a couple of weeks since we’ve investigated any fraudulent things at LSU, so there’s got to be some kind of funny business going down.”

     Local media organizations, including half of the Campus Dirt’s news staff, are struggling to find the slightest indication of what has happened, but to no avail.  The only confirmed fact is that tight-lipped University officials are taking this whole affair very seriously, even more seriously than any of the other twelve on-campus scandals that have happened within the past year.

	Above: This eye was all we could see and all he could see was a camera lens.

     Through the mail slot of his office door, Vice Dean of Students Charles Weiss whispered, “If only I could say or not say anything about whatever is or isn’t happening around here, I would or wouldn’t.  Just be sure that you tell no one and everyone I said that.  Also, tell my wife that I hate her and my kids that I love them.”

     After he muttered that statement, a gunshot was heard and Weiss refused to avoid answering any more questions.

     CCECS investigators now believe that they are on the brink of uncovering a huge (or tiny) conspiracy which most likely involves LSU administration, students, and faculty regularly engaging in some or all of the following activities: sexual harassment, academic dishonesty, fiscal misappropriation, illegal immigration, Medicare tax fraud, rumor-mongering, shoplifting, bootlegging, hoodwinking, brown-nosing, and perhaps even bush-hogging.

	Above: Funtzen knew nothing about something.

     When finally reached for comment in his heavily-barricaded office, Assistant University Spokesperson Dale Funtzen looked shiftily from side to side and said, “No, I don’t know nothing.  What are you here for?  Uh, I’m not talking to you right now, ok?” 

     Funtzen then quickly mumbled, “Your loafer is untied,” sprang out of his chair, and jumped to his death out of a nearby third-story window.

     Earlier in the week, an anonymous, high-profile LSU athlete threatened to crush a Campus Dirt reporter’s cranium with two of his fingers if this article was printed at all, especially if he was ever mentioned in it.

     With an increasing number of students mysteriously disappearing, several professors taking emergency sabbaticals, and university representatives literally dropping like flies, it is doubtful that any useful, relevant information concerning this theoretical fiasco will be discovered any time soon.  However, everyone involved at all with Louisiana State University will continue glancing over their shoulders and covering up their footprints in hopes of keeping anyone from finding out what they are or aren’t doing.