The LSU Office of Scholarships and Awards just released its most recent list of scholarships to be offered this year.  Eligible students may fill out all necessary scholarship forms and paperwork at the Office of the Registry in 1216 A. Boyd Hall.  Following are some of the most promising new awards, along with their descriptions and requirements:

1.   The Unappreciated Mediocre Student Award – Some anonymous alum donated ten $1 scholarships to be dispensed each year to ten semi-lucky students who possess slightly below average GPA’s and who also aren’t involved in many campus organizations.

2.    Highland Oaks Grille Fantastic Food Scholarship – Chartwell’s is offering fourteen scholarships this year to students, professors, and/or current cafeteria employees who will work a minimum of twenty hours per week serving food in the Highland Oaks Grille Cafeteria.  These are non-paid, volunteer positions and recipients must purchase their own uniforms.

3.    Colonel Farquar T. Robbins Endowment of Scantrons – Formerly known as the Colonel Farquar T. Robbins Endowment of Blue Books.  Every semester, the estate of Colonel Robbins, late owner of the LSU Bookstore, will award one student with a lifetime supply of small scantrons.  Winners of this award must simply fill out a separate 4-page T-356 form for each scantron they wish to claim.

4.    The Unchained Melody Scholarship – This $20,000 yearly award is available to one qualified student with strong leadership qualities, excellent academic progress, good sportsmanship, and a clean-cut appearance.  Students who have seen the movie “Ghost” and/or have heard the name of Patrick Swayze need not apply.

	Above: Lloyd Tansins, the first recipient of the Fraternity Freshman Drop-Out Award. Too bad he isn't in school anymore to enjoy it.

5.    The Fraternity Freshman Drop-Out Award – Each year, six of these one-time awards will be given to freshman-year male students who failed out of their classes due to enrolling in a fraternity.  Desired qualities for recipients include an embarrassingly low GPA, a high tolerance for alcohol, and a severe misunderstanding of priorities and responsibilities.

6.    The Westside Rec Center Memorial Endowment – LSU’s Intramural Sports League and the abandoned Westside Rec Center have teamed up to provide this bi-yearly award to one LSU student who likes to play or watch sports.  Winners will receive a library of every sports-related Playstation game ever made.

7.    The Absolute Equality Scholarship – In hopes that each and every student would be eligible to win some money, every campus organization made donations to this $560,000 scholarship.  Judges promise to entirely overlook all applicants’ grades, races, financial backgrounds, extracurricular activities, community involvements, religions, or any other classifications.  Instead, one lucky application will be drawn from a large hat-shaped tumbler.

8.    The Disabled Friend Appreciation Grant – Five students who have proudly befriended a handicapped person in the last year will receive $50 gift certificates to The Jelly Bean Store in the Mall of Louisiana, as well as handicapped parking hangtags for their vehicles.

	Above: An average American family.

9.    The Simpson’s Trivia Award – $400 will be given to one student who is involved in any way with farm animals.  This award has nothing to do with the Fox Channel’s animated TV series, “The Simpson’s.”

10.   The Brave Disfigured Albino Hermaphrodite Scholarship – This one-time award of $250 will be presented to students who possess both male and female genitalia, lack skin pigment, and also have been disfigured in a terrible accident.  A large banquet will honor the winner, to be followed by an even larger ceremony.  He/she will be required to take a picture with President Bush that will be sent out to every major news source.