In addition to hiring twenty certified proofreaders to casually skim over every article of the Campus Dirt to make shure nothing is ever misspelled, many other new features will be inserted into this semester’s issues of the Campus Dirt.  The following list offers merely a taste of what is to come.

1.      Fancier Fonts – Huge increases in advertising revenue allowed the Campus Dirt’s Font Technician to purchase a large quantity of imported, expensive fonts for this semester’s issues.  These superior fonts, such as “Fontastic,” “Sans Sandwich,” and “Times New Roman,” will make letters easier on your eyes, will cause the most boring of articles to be interesting, and will also reduce the amount of overall work for the Campus Dirt’s staff to put up with.  Readers demand fancy fonts and we won’t be stingy with them.

2.      Nudity – The FCC, which carefully regulates the content of all college newspapers, recently overturned its 70-year old law prohibiting pictures with nudity to be published in collegiate news sources.  Though The Reveille will without a doubt not change their prudish, outdated no-nudity policy, the Campus Dirt will begin including nude photos in all of our future articles (as long as they are tastefully done and predominantly involve beautiful female subjects).

3.      Automated Reporters – Throughout this semester, you might notice a number of menacing-looking robot units rolling across campus taking notes and attempting to interview students.  The Campus Dirt, in its never-ending quest to stay on the cutting edge of news reporting, has constructed four robotic news reporters in order to investigate campus activities in a more economical and logical manner than was previously possible with simple human reporters.  As you interact with the team of robots, aptly named the Tiger Bots, keep in mind that they are equipped with the deadliest state-of-the-art weaponry, which they will generously use whenever slightly provoked, lied to, or looked at.

4.      No More Ads – Starting with this very issue, we enter a new era in newspaper management and design.  All advertisements have been completely thrown away.  Gawky advertisements for local businesses once took up roughly 75% of the Campus Dirt.  Now, all of that precious white space will be filled with advertisement look-alikes.  Don’t fall for these “ads” – they are only imitations of the real things.  These mock-ads will make the Campus Dirt seem less like a “sell-out” organization that further adds to media over-hyping and exploits America’s mindless consumers in order to make a few quick bucks.

5.      Lamer Stories – The Campus Dirt hopes to bring you tons of stories that are neither newsworthy nor remotely intriguing.  You can be sure that the Campus Dirt will dedicate itself to thoroughly cover all sorts of stupid stuff such as:

   -   Big events that everybody already knows about because of either common sense or larger, more reputable news organizations.
   -   Insignificant happenings in celebrities’ lives.
   -   Special interest pieces that focus on local people who mistakenly think they are heroes making a difference in the world.

     It’s a new year, folks, and that means a new Campus Dirt.  Stay tuned into us and you will be properly informed and happily entertained.