Richard Hermley, a 57-year-old astronomy professor, was temporarily suspended from LSU
last Thursday for exposing his wrinkled buttocks during his ASTR 3154 lecture
class. Students were so shocked and dismayed by Hermley’s lewd presentation
that after the lecture ended, the entire class went in unison to file sexual
harassment complaints with university administrators.
“It was so
nasty,” squealed David Turls, sociology freshman. “Class had been going on for
about five minutes and I was almost asleep when I heard this huge gasp. I
looked up and saw these milky white, furry butt cheeks shaking like three feet
away from me.”
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Above: Professor
Hermley lecturing one of his astronomy classes about cash flow and asset
liquidation. |
“I showered like twenty times that day. I can’t even look up at the sky at
night without thinking about it,” said Lyndsey Ferdinand, a sophomore who has
since left LSU’s astronomy program.
LSU Chancellor William Jenkins, who approved Hermley’s three-semester paid
suspension, says that the use of genitalia as demonstration tools in
non-genitalia related courses is a violation of university policy.
So far, Hermley has offered no formal apology to the university or his
students. Instead, he claims that he was merely using his rear end as a model
for the moon’s meteor-scarred surface because a student aide had stolen his
usual plastic model.
“I was just trying to make a point,” said Hermley. “It just so happens that my
point escapes me right now, but it was there at the time, I assure you. I bet
it had something to do with the moon or some kind of canyon or maybe even a
deep and mysterious crater.”
Many students like junior Jared Tanters failed to see how Hermley’s hiney
example fit into the lecture at all, “After a while, he started spanking
himself and yelling about naughty Latina coeds! It had nothing to do with the
moon, other than the fact he was mooning us. Oh! Now I get it! Ha! The
man’s a genius! Bring him back!”
A similar incident occurred just three years ago in which Professor Hermley
displayed and thoroughly stimulated his nipples in front of a confused
astronomy lecture class for thirty minutes to illustrate the orbiting distance
between Jupiter and Saturn. He was issued a mild warning by the university and
ordered to wear a women’s training brassiere for six months.
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Above: A pointless
computer-enhanced X-ray image of Professor Hermely's buttocks. |
“I think I’m
going to use my time away from being a professor to do what I’ve always wanted
to do – be a nude model for a college art class,” Hermley said while tugging
at his itchy clothes. “Check out this beautiful body. It was meant to be
studied and drooled over by young, sexy college kids.”
Hermley further added that he is eager to see the end of his teaching
suspension because he has a brilliant idea for relating the shape and girth of
Barnard 3 comets to his penis.
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