Higher education is about to get a little higher.  A short time ago, the LSU Horticultural Studies Club signed a huge money-making contract with local hospitals, pharmaceutical companies, and notorious riff-raff.  This literally ground-breaking deal entails that in late March, roughly one-third of LSU’s Parade Grounds will be converted into a legal growing field for medicinal marijuana.

	Above: Professor Davenport giving a quick statement before he goes home to buy a nickel bag.

     “We’re gonna have mad weed up in here,” said LSU Chancellor William Jenkins with a chuckle.  His face then turned grim and he added, “But no one will ever touch my, I mean, our, I mean, LSU’s weed if I have anything to say about it.”       

     Directly in front of the LSU clock tower, an area of 80-square yards will be roped off, plowed, and fertilized.  Around 15,000 marijuana seeds will then be spread over the land and the second-ever LSU Cannabis Farm will be up and running.

      “The sunlight is absolutely perfect on the Parade Grounds and the soil is pretty decent, too,” explained LSU botany professor Hugh Davenport.  “The only better places in Baton Rouge that we could grow this marijuana would be either the 50-yard line of Tiger Stadium or that really secluded, rich-soiled, and long-abandoned marijuana farm near the Rec Center.”

	Above: Cut-throat mercenaries such as these will soon be regular sights at LSU.

       A team of barely-paid indigenous workers, on loan from overstocked Colombian drug lords and armed with semi-automatic rifles, will plant, irrigate, and routinely patrol the fickle marijuana plants until it is time to harvest them.  A large housing community for the workers and their many children will take up another third of the Parade Grounds.

       Of course, students will have to adapt to what LSU authorities call “a few small changes in university life.”  They suggest in a demanding tone of voice that all LSU students find another pleasant grassy area to study in, cancel all future soccer and Ultimate Frisbee activities, and map out new routes to classes that don’t involve coming within fifty feet of the soon-to-be-off-limits Parade Grounds.

     The Cannabis Action Network of Louisiana states that it will stage a formal protest of LSU’s small marijuana plantation because most of the weed grown is supposed to be used for medicinal purposes.

      “Weed only needs to be used for getting high, man,” says Rupert “Stonie” Franchez, member of CANoLA.  “And don’t forget you can make burlap-looking clothes out of hemp.  So getting high and making shirts and ropes and stuff is all you’re supposed to use weed for.”

       The cannabis-cultivating controversy is nothing new to LSU campus.  In the early 1960’s, the areas now known as Sorority Row, the Rec Center, and East Campus Apartments were all included in one humongous field of marijuana plants that was used to supply Vietnam War protesters and jobless hippies with weed when the economy slowed down.

       That massive marijuana field was burned down and replaced for a short time in the 1980’s with a coca plant field that was used to supply Cola War protesters and job-snatching yuppies with cocaine when the economy sped up.

        LSU authorities remind students that if they wish to discuss the forthcoming Cannabis Farm, they can do so amongst themselves and on their own time.