Most LSU students left Baton Rouge last week to spend their Spring Break in such exotic locations as Panama City, Crystal Beach, or New Orleans.  However, those far-traveling party seekers may not realize what they missed out on at the narrow patch of low-quality sand and dying grass known as the LSU Beach.

	Above: The LSU Beach isn't even cool enough to host a corny camping trip like this.

     Last week, the largely unappreciated LSU Beach, which was created in 1972 to attract more students to attend LSU, welcomed the largest crowd in its history as nearly seventy-five young people flocked to the muddy shores of the University Lakes to jog, picnic, or lay in the sun.

     “It was kind of gross at first,” said Kelly Greene, who spent half of Tuesday lounging on the dark sand. “I tried getting in the water and then it was really gross.  It felt and smelled like I was swimming in sewage.  I had to go home and shower off.”

     As rock music from one student’s boom box carried lightly over the lake’s unmoving brown surface on Tuesday, the first-ever volleyball game was almost started by three male students on the Beach.  The frustrated guys claimed that if only one more person had shown up, along with a volleyball, the game would have been a reality.  Giving up on the volleyball game idea, the three boys ended up just throwing rocks at each other and getting stung by some bees.

	Above: The frustrated guys forcing out a couple of weak smiles while having a really bad time together.

     Before they peeled out of the parking lot in anger, one of the boys commented, “Look at that idiot over there fishing in the lake.  And there’s some old people playing chess on a picnic table.  I don’t see one chick anywhere.  Man, this place is lame.  This is the worst Spring Break ever!”

     However, Rodney Hamner, the lone self-appointed lifeguard of the LSU Beach, defended his workplace from such negative criticism.  He pointed out that not only is the LSU Beach safer than any other Spring Break location, but it’s also free and close to campus.

     “We’ve had zero drownings, zero shark attacks, and zero tragic ship sinkings at this beach.  Of course, that could be due to my superior lifeguarding abilities, but for some reason I doubt that’s all of it,” Hamner said.

     Hamner added that the most danger-filled incident occurred on Thursday, when a group of women brought their children to the Beach in hopes of feeding bread to the ducks and other assorted birds that reside in the area.  However, a few nutria rats emerged from the oily water and began eating the bread and attacking the ducks.  This frightened the children enough so that the women had no choice but to cancel the day’s activities and leave.

     “I can’t believe I passed up on that trip to Biloxi with my friends because I thought this beach would be just as good.  It was not fun at all and now I have this rash,” lamented Danielle Rochero, who for some reason visited the LSU Beach every day last week.  “People are out there in Florida or wherever and they’re having a blast, but look at me.  I’m stuck here.”