Recently, a number of Kirby-Smith Hall residents, hoping to rid the Kirby-Smith elevators of their usual filthy accumulation of bodily fluids, have begun relieving themselves in the dorm’s lobby.  Their efforts seem to have paid off, as the piles and puddles of human waste in the three elevators steadily continue to decrease.

     “We just got to the point where we couldn’t take it anymore,” says Chris Carlyle, a freshman who lives on the fourth floor. “The stench, the embarrassment, not to mention people always walking in on you when the elevator would stop at a floor.”

	Above: The intimidating Kirby-Smith at dusk. If you could see the inside of it, though, you wouldn't like it so much.

     Before the three dingy elevators were installed in 1946, students had to trudge up and down the grimy staircase to access Kirby-Smith’s fourteen floors.  Students who used the elevators in that first year were confused by the new-fangled inventions and often mistook them for restrooms.  Eventually, students figured out that since there were no toilets in the elevators, they were not supposed to urinate and defecate inside of them, but by that point, it had become an LSU tradition to do so

     Four years ago, LSU authorities tried to curb the dirty practice by installing toilet paper dispensers in the elevators.  This, oddly enough, only encouraged more students to take a load off as they traveled between floors.  The costly solution of increasing the size and flushing velocity of all toilets in Kirby-Smith Hall was also just as ineffective in keeping the elevators clean.    

	Above: Shipman proudly stand behind his janitorial staff, but he still realizes that they are all a bunch of stupid janitors.

     “It’s disgusting.  People use the bathroom all over this building.  There are flies everywhere.  It has to be a health hazard of some sort,” comments Andrew Frikk, an RA working at the front desk of the Kirby-Smith lobby. 

     “But, hey, what can you do,” Frikk adds, dropping his pants to relieve himself on the dirty lobby floor. 

     Minutes later, as Frikk strolls away from the stinking mess he just made on the tile, another student sees it and becomes sick, setting off a chain reaction of bodily functions in the lobby the likes of which will never be cleaned up.

     John Shipman, spokesman for the LSU Sanitation Department, says, “The situation in Kirby-Smith is utterly hopeless, no matter what trendy spot the kids start voiding their bowels in.  Matter of fact, we stopped sending janitors to Kirby-Smith years ago.  It’s a virtual No Man’s Land of vomit and excrement.”

     A committee of campus leaders has been recently formed to deal with Kirby-Smith’s dirtiness.  The committee plans to soon place medium-sized signs in the elevators that will read “ELEVATOR.”  If students refuse to heed these signs, large circular holes will be cut into the elevators’ floors and medium-sized signs reading “TOILET” will be put up.  The lobby will likely be replaced with an entirely new lobby sometime in the year 2006.