He mourned the imaginary death of the Tiger Bar owner, still refuses to touch the LSU drunk bus, and can’t wait to share a class with Britney Spears next year. Meet Randall Zurnichek, a freshman at LSU who hasn’t missed a single one of the Campus Dirt’s articles.

	Above: Zurnichek's senior portrait still makes his mother cry with intense pride and shame.

       Since the CD began printing at the end of last semester, Zurnichek has read and accepted every issue as absolute truth. Missing the small print at the bottom of the page that clearly points out that the events are indeed fictional, the naïve Zurnichek has publicly and loudly flipped out on a number of occasions.

       Proudly pointing to a number of citations and tickets on his wall, Zurnichek said, “As you can see, I’ve been outraged quite a few times. I’m just glad the Campus Dirt has enough guts to publish these ridiculous, yet eye-opening stories. The other newspapers aren’t brave enough to talk about the urine content in Kirby-Smith elevators or that stupid campus-wide curfew that’s being enforced on us every night.”

      From staging a violent one-man protest of the supposed costly fourth floor addition to the Union, to his most recent stunt of planting poppy seeds on the Parade Grounds to show his anger at the bogus proposal of marijuana being grown there, Zurnichek has responded without fail to each and every article as if he is some sort of campus guardian.

	Above: Zurnichek protesting all by himself. He soon resorted to hurting himself so someone would look at him.

      “My whole family flew up to attend ‘Pack the PMAC with MAC’ last semester and the Aaron Carter concert this semester. Needless to say, we were all severely disappointed both times,” Zurnichek said. “I called every LSU authority I could, and they all said they knew nothing about any of the events. I thought there was some big cover-up conspiracy going on. As it turns out, a couple of weeks ago, I read a Campus Dirt article which confirms that belief.”

      When Zurnichek was handed a magnifying glass and instructed to read the fine print about the news stories being noting but humorous hoaxes, he blushed and looked at his feet.

      “Look, I know they’re all true. You can’t cover up the truth,” he shouted. “Actually, I’ve always doubted the article about frat guys liking beer. I think that was pushing the envelope of belief a bit too far. But as for the other ones, just know that I’m out there soaking up whatever truth the Campus Dirt wants to pour on me.”