The Baton Rouge Fun & Leisure Commission recently conducted an extensive investigation into Baton Rouge’s limited nighttime entertainment opportunities.  Most LSU students will probably suffer a mild shock from the conclusions that the Commission reached.

     Kent Fraxnard, BRFLC spokesman, states, “The Commission is embarrassed to report that outside of activities like watching television sitcoms and reading Oprah Winfrey-approved novels, the bored people of Baton Rouge have only one option when it comes to entertaining themselves.  Like a bunch of robots following their programming, the fun-seeking citizens of Baton Rouge must choose one of the numerous area bars or nightclubs and engage in an endless cycle of drinking, dancing, and disappointment.”

     When questioned about the above report, LSU students expressed mixed feelings.

     “Baton Rouge is so cool.  Every night, I can go out with my friends and with lots of other people who aren’t my friends and we can all dance and sort of listen to music and get drunk,” said Java Dude, an LSU senior in Mass Communication.  “Where else can you do that?  Not in New Orleans or Los Angeles or wherever.”

	Above: Lindsey  Woods, one of the countless victims of Baton Rouge's cultural drought.

     Lindsey Woods, a sophomore in Geometrical Design, commented, “On weekends, I’m either going out with my friends to bars or I’m playing Canasta with a group of toddlers I baby-sit.  I can’t think of anything else to do.  I wish someone would open a Canasta bar day care center.”

     “I can’t wait to go out,” said Trent Bergeron, Equine Sciences sophomore.  “I hear there’s going to be some hot chicks out tonight.”

	Above: Puncilo, ready for a night out on the town, though he doesn't even want to go out on the town.

     “This news should be especially valuable to LSU students, a group of people who compulsively show up at the doors of drinking establishments on a nightly basis,” says Fraxnard.  “Really, everyone should feel totally normal as they stand around in the smoke-filled semi-darkness, nervously sipping their alcoholic beverages and nodding their heads to the deafening music.  It’s simply all there is to do around here.”

     Jay Puncilo, a hopeful entrepreneur who graduated from LSU three years ago, plans on opening an entertainment complex in Baton Rouge that will provide everyone with a fun and interesting alternative to nightclubs.

     As he tore a colored paper bracelet from his wrist, Puncilo stated, “Me and my old fraternity brothers have been doing the same bar-hopping thing every night for years now.  So I just want to create a place where people can do different kinds of stuff than just drinking and dancing, but it’s hard.  As soon as I can think of anything else for people to do, I’m going to do that.”

     Supposedly, all aspects of Baton Rouge’s art and culture were considered in the Commission’s study, including a number of empty museums, dull art galleries, boring campus organizations, and overpriced family fun centers.  However, nothing seemed as ultimately fulfilling both socially and emotionally as standing in a lengthy line outside of a bar, paying to get inside, and then drinking enough alcohol to forget that the whole night ever happened.