Tension between LSU’s rival
fraternities, Pi Sigma Kappa Delta and Pi Sigma Kappa Alpha, reached a new
height last Friday night when East Baton Rouge Parish police officers were
summoned to the crowded parking lot of a Tigerland bar in order to break up a
large-scale fistfight.
Witnesses claim that it was at
least the ninth-largest fight they had seen that night, claiming over twenty
Bud Light casualties, and leaving several rum and Coke cocktails injured and
spilled all over the pavement.
“He hit him, and then that guy
spit beer all over this ugly chick,” said Kyle Ponsoni, a Marketing junior who
was passed out on a car near the spot where the fight occurred.
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Above:
A couple of "brothers" from Pi Sigma Kappa Delta "fronting" because they want
to "kick some cameraman ass". |
While the origin of the first
punch has yet to be determined, preliminary investigations reveal that the
fight broke out when Pi Delta’s Brant Thomson kissed the exchange date of Pi
Alpha’s Brent Timathon, Kristy Frankens of the Kappa Rigor Mortis sorority, as
Thomson shared a drink with fraternity brothers.
Frankens, in her drunken quest
to find someone to make out with, forgot that she had come with Timathon, and
stumbled upon Thomson, her date from the previous weekend’s “Who’s Hooterloo”
exchange. After seeing the pair kissing, Thomson called Timathon a “Democrat”
and a melee ensued.
“It all happened so fast,” cried
Frankens. “It was just like last week when Cara and Whitney got in a fight
because I kissed both of their boyfriends and then blamed it on them. Oh,
toodles! I’ve got lots of boys to kiss and fights to watch!”
According to the official police
report from Friday night, the Thomson/Timathon fight lasted from 11:03 p.m.
until 11:08 pm, including a 4-minute cease-fire to allow free shots of alcohol
to be dispensed when the “LSU Fight Song” began playing. By 11:10 pm, all
bouncers had returned to their posts, everyone had resumed their merry-making,
and the fight was almost forgotten.
Though no arrests were made that
night, police did issue over one thousand $10 disorderly conduct tickets to
the violently drunk students and professors who filled the bar’s parking lot.
Police are convinced that the
above fight is connected with a series of fraternity pranks reported earlier
in the week. Early Tuesday morning, Pi Delta’s beloved statue of fraternity
founder Melvin B. Atwell was found wearing a diaper fashioned from recycled
Reveille newspapers, and later in the week, Pi Alpha’s mascot, “Spappy,”
was fondled, killed, and launched off the south landing of the LSU lakes.
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Above: The last
known photograph of Spappy, which was taken before he was
fondled, killed, and launched off the south landing of the LSU lakes. |
“These pranks are a severe
departure from the normal frat hijinks,” said BRPD Sergeant Jason MacFandle.
“I mean, raping a helpless little terrier...Everyone can laugh at that. But
Reveille diapers on statues? This has got to stop before somebody gets
hurt or accidentally reads a Reveille.”
University officials say that
they plan on reacting “quickly and strongly” to the increasing frequency of
fraternity fighting, requiring all on- and off-duty LSUPD officers to conduct
an immediate 24-hour stakeout of Fraternity Row. However, this quick and
strong reaction might take up to twelve weeks before it is finally brought up
at the next Generic University Official board meeting.
“We’re making this our primary
action. If you’re on campus and need help, don’t even bother to call the
police anymore,” said Quasi-Chancellor Radcliffe Eckhart. “Just drive by Frat
Row, and see if you can find an officer in camouflage. He may be crouching
behind a hedge or perhaps dressed as a homeless man wearing a leotard. Just
roll down your window and holler for a police officer.”
No members of Pi Sigma Kappa
Delta or Pi Sigma Kappa Alpha were sober enough to comment on this story,
though many of them offered to kick this reporter’s ass for no reason
whatsoever.
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