How many times did you miss
your classes this week? Were you tardy for any of them? Did you happen to talk
during class at all?
A thorough survey that never
took place confirms the Campus Dirt staff’s previous theory that approximately
92% of LSU’s students are guilty of one or all of the above accusations. When
these bogus CD survey results were shown to LSU officials, they immediately
cooked up a plan to straighten out these unacceptable student habits.
The plan’s first phase involves
the installation of certified hall monitors in every major hallway of every
building on campus. Officials guarantee that these monitors will be
exceptionally nerdy and thorough as they demand to see hall passes of anyone
walking around while classes are in session.
Also, an electronic bell,
similar to the bells that signal class changes in high schools across the
country, will ring every 100 minutes starting at 6:40 am.
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Above: The
newly-constructed $1.5 million LSU Detention Center, which will sit vacant and
useless for the next 20 years. |
“The bell will be audible from
any point on campus,” smirked bell constructor Albert Smot. “Actually, a
person walking through the Baton Rouge Airport across town should be able to
hear it, too.”
Administrators explain that any
student caught still wandering the halls when the bell rings will immediately
be ushered to the nearest Dean’s office by the appropriate hall monitor. After
receiving three tardies, a detention will be issued.
Detention sessions will be held
in Room 150 Howe-Russell every Friday from 2:30 am - 5:30 pm. The rain
locations will be either the LSU Parade Grounds or LSU Natatorium.
All students who fail to attend
their assigned detention sessions must choose one of the following options to
be immediately carried out: having an indisputable “W” added to their school
record, hand-copying 5,000 definitions from the dictionary, or having to
subtract one point from their cumulative grade point average.
Hoping to be the first local
newspaper to obtain a wide range of student reactions to the new disciplinary
system at LSU, a team of CD reporters hit the streets and interviewed everyone
in sight.
“I don’t go to LSU, so I don’t
really care,” quoted Jermaine Drake, a senior at Southeastern University. “And
get out of my face. Your breath stinks.”
“Why are you asking me,”
inquired Kaycie Wooden, a 53-year-old housewife in Missouri. “I haven’t set
foot on a college campus in 30 years, not to mention, I’ve never even heard of
Louisiana. This news doesn’t affect me at all.”
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Above: Dean
Carbunkle takes a moment to "goof off" in front of the camera. Coworkers say
that Carbunkle spent the rest of his day sitting in this exact position. |
In related news, there are
currently 700 openings for anyone interested in being a hall monitor. Although
there is no pay involved, you get the privilege of feeling good about yourself
and earning the distrust and hatred of your fellow students. You will also be
allowed to wander the halls at your leisure with minimal hassle.
Also, Dean Carbunkle is hiring
one person to be responsible for checking all dictionary definitions turned in
by irresponsible students. All interested students should submit a completed
application and 5,000 hand-copied definitions to Dean Carbunkle’s office by
tomorrow morning.
Anyone willing to clock in over
120 hours a week for minimum wage can apply to be the “Campus Bellman,” who
will be held accountable for pressing a button to ring the bell every 100
minutes during each weekday. The Bellman must be a student and be willing to
work every day with no breaks and no respect.
Any student wishing to appeal a
detention or tardy, and/or apply for one of the above jobs should contact LSU
Representative Paul Furtshert, who died in a car accident last week.
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