A resurgence of lewd behavior in the Coates Hall men’s bathroom has been keeping the dedicated officers of the LSUPD very busy.  Last Thursday, they arrested Danny Pipplin, a 46-year old estranged father of three, for indecent exposure and questionable usage of kitchen utensils.

     Detective Frank Varpers, disguised as a Korean exchange student, reported that he was approached by Pipplin soon after he entered the restroom.

     “Mr. Pipplin asked me to put on a pair of used adult diapers and repeatedly strike at my genital region with a spatula.  As I complied with his wishes, the suspect began using a cheese grater in a grotesque sexual fashion.  I immediately pulled cuffs out of my diaper and put him under arrest.”

	Above: Some pervert using toilet paper as a Kleenex.

     Officers stated that this was not Pipplin’s first sexual offense.  Two years ago, a task force was formed to rid Coates’ restroom of its many sexual offenders.  In one of the largest perversion stings in LSU’s history, Pipplin and twelve others were detained when they convinced an undercover officer dressed as an impressionable freshman trombone player to place his private parts into a hole in the stall door.

     Though Pipplin will not likely be seen in the Coates bathroom for quite some time, officers say that he is merely the mild tip of a much larger, much more perverted iceberg.

     “There’s this whole secret society of freaks, weirdoes, and degenerates hanging around that bathroom every day like they’re holding meetings or something,” Detective Varpers said.  “It must be the springtime chill we’re having that gets ‘em all worked up and frisky-like.”

     Campus Dirt reporters found an unidentified man suspiciously lurking around the Coates men’s restroom and nervously pretending to read a stack of napkins.

	Above: A nice gentleman trying to convey some sort of wholesome message.

         When questioned about any distasteful bathroom activities, the man quoted, “Oh yeah, we have a good old time in here.  Me and the boys play this game called Staking Out the Stalls, where one of us dresses up like an undercover cop and then pretends to stake out the bathroom to catch the rest of us in some naughty act.  But sometimes we really do get arrested by the real cops and that’s when the game isn’t so much fun anymore.”

Varpers warns that the special bathroom task force may once again be called into action if Pipplin’s cohorts continue to solicit odd sexual favors from LSU students, professors, and visitors.  However, he and his deputies hope they can take care of the problem without having to resort to such a drastic measure.

“Taking out the stall walls and doors will help us keep a good eye on everything going on inside.  Also, we’re going to ask all male students to use the women’s restrooms if they really need to go while they’re in Coates,” Varpers explained.  “There’s a lot of honest, normal folks on this campus who just want to use the toilet, wash their hands, etc., and not be accosted by strange individuals while doing so.  We’re protecting those people.”

Varpers, wearing a beautiful wig and elegant strapless evening gown, then tackled a student who had just entered the restroom to blow his nose.