A recent deluge of lengthy e-mails, at least
ten 5-minute phone conversations, a few trivial voice-mails, and one
heart-warming greeting card have caused the LSU’s Interim Chancellor William Jenkins
to go over the edge, reports the Office of Assisting the Chancellor.
“I’m sick of all these people
complaining to me about LSU, so I’m taking matters into my own hands for
once,” screamed the red-faced chancellor when a Campus Dirt reporter
asked how his day was going. “And get them dirty boots out my face and don’t
bring none more of this pitty-pat-pat! That’s an order, not no command!”
The chancellor then slapped himself in the
face until he felt “more at ease about the whole day.”
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Above: LSU
Chancellor Jenkins smiles at the camera because it is taking his picture and
that makes him happy. This picture was taken 12 years ago. |
The chancellor’s secretary,
family, and ex-nephew say that the chancellor’s recent behavior is just as
confusing to them as it was to the above CD reporter, Shamen Poncil,
who quit the newspaper after being fired for doing meager investigative work
on this story.
“How is this guy the highest paid chancellor
at LSU? I’m sure there are other chancellors here who are a lot more
professional and friendly than him. He refused to let me into his office,
didn’t return any of my phone calls, and even tried to lick me,” said the
gutless and untalented Poncil as he emptied his office locker and returned his
official neon embroidered “CD Reporter” fanny pack.
“And those neon fanny packs are
stupid, too,” added Poncil as (that week’s editor) slammed the door in his
pathetic and unemployed face.
Soon after Poncil’s pathetic attempt at an
interview with Chancellor Jenkins, the chancellor’s sudden downward spiral
spiraled further downward than anyone could have possibly expected, including
the infamous Invisible Man, whom the Chancellor claims has “been following
[him] around all damned day and night!”
On Thursday,
the newly-appointed Jenkins shocked the LSU
community when he crouched atop the Highland Cafeteria and issued a series of
frenzied orders to demolish various buildings on campus.
“Audubon Hall? What the hell is that? I never
go there. I want it bulldozed within the next two minutes! Jump on it, and
don’t let me catch none of you winking at my bow tie, neither! Jesus Christ,
will someone get rid of that,” yelled Chancellor Jenkins, pointing at what he
declared was “a dead cat handcuffed to a parking meter,” which he later
tearfully admitted was “a twig super-glued to a tree stump that’s about to
catch on fire” which, in reality, was just an empty McDonald’s cup someone had
absentmindedly discarded on the ground.
Later Thursday, the chancellor rolled up his
sleeves, grabbed a nearby rake, and dug an irrigation ditch in the middle of
the LSU Parade Grounds. With hundreds of stunned students watching and rooting
him on, Jenkins then commanded “the entire league of dem dastardly Kirby Smith
Krispy Kreme Donuts to hide out until further notice.”
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Above: Chancellor
Jenkins giving a speech about the importance of chemistry from within a
janitorial closet. This picture was taken 2 days ago. |
No one knew what the chancellor
was talking about, including the Kirby Smith Krispy Kreme Donuts, which is the
name of an intramural flag football team at LSU.
The chancellor’s inexplicable
and somewhat dangerous actions have prompted the LSU Chancellor’s Behavioral
Committee to send the chancellor to a special retreat, where they hope the
chancellor will receive a good rest from the stresses of university life.
This retreat, located at Camp
Super Sunshine Fun Land in Grass, North Dakota, allows chancellors from all
over the world to build their chancellor skills while engaging in light
camaraderie and deep brotherhood. There, Chancellor Jenkins will learn how to
hunt pheasants with a slingshot (to build confidence), how to tap dance (to
gain respect), and how to sell narcotics to children (to build confidence and
gain respect).
The committee scheduled Jenkins to attend the
retreat sometime next month. Until then, all students are encouraged to avoid
the chancellor at all costs, both for their own safety and to keep him from
having to do anything beyond showing up for work and sitting at his desk all
day like he usually does.
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