University officials regret to inform students that all classes will be cancelled this Friday due to LSU’s mandatory 114th Annual Field Day Activities.  Although this stunning announcement has come at short notice, LSU’s deans, chancellors, and officers feel that this prestigious newspaper is a sufficient enough medium to get the word out to everyone.

      In his press announcement, Gerald Procks, Dean of Student Organizations, stated, “Students should know that instead of attending their classes as usual on Friday morning, they must go to the Parade Grounds, find their homeroom professors, and line up before 9:30 AM so the activities can begin.”

      On Friday, every LSU student needs to bring a sack lunch with them and should be sure to wear their customized T-shirts that clearly state which professor’s team they belong to.

	Above: 25 Tug-Of-War participants pulling against one 450-pound fat guy.

      LSU’s Field Day events, which offer students educational challenges while encouraging friendly sportsmanship will include Kite-Flying, the Water Balloon Toss, Wheelbarrow Races, and obstacle courses.

      Advanced calculus professor Daniel Jay, who led last year’s dominating champs, Jay’s Jackrabbits, is confident that his team will prevail again, especially in the Tug-Of-War competition. 

      “We put the fat kid as the anchor.  The other teams don’t know that you’ll win every time if you do that.  Just tie him up and tell him to sit,” Jay explained.

	Above: A sack filled with potatoes that looks like a sack filled with a small child.

       Jay’s main competitor, English professor Ann Robbin, says that her team, Robbin’s Robins, has been using the past few weeks of class time to practice in their weakest events, the Three-Legged Race and the Potato Sack Race.

      Students who fail to attend Field Day will be penalized by having an indisputable “W” added to their transcripts.