Students, faculty, and neighbors of LSU, hold on to your seats: Britney Spears is coming.

     Last Saturday evening, LSU officials and Jive Records forged a $34 million contract to bring the pop diva to LSU for the fall semester.  The contract stipulates that Ms. Spears will attend LSU for a maximum of three years, though she may back out at any time if she feels the slightest bit stressed or bored while slaving through the education process.

	Above: Britney Spears is considered by most males to be 'hot.'

     “I won’t believe it until I see it,” said Samantha Bavens, ISDS freshman. “But when I do see it, I will believe it.  I’m just excited because I hear that Britney’s joining my sorority since her cousin’s best friend dated one of our pledge sisters.”

     Aside from figuring out which extracurricular organizations Britney will affiliate herself with, rumors are flying around campus about Britney’s class schedule, living arrangements, and whether or not she will continue to produce her uniquely artless music.  

     Derrick Dogan, Director of Celebrities Living on Campus, made the following statement in hopes of clearing up some of the gossip: “Ms. Spears’ isn’t really interested in living with a bunch of silly girls who are just going to bother her to death, so she has requested to be the first-ever female resident of the all-male Kirby-Smith Hall.  She feels this is the best way to remain focused on her studies and to keep people from grabbing at her big, gorgeous chest.”

     Britney herself was legally forbidden to speak or think about her future LSU plans, but her hard-working publicist, Andrea Forte, thankfully was allowed to release a few juicy tidbits.

     However, Forte also explains that students will have to suffer a bit when the girl-who-is-not-yet-a-woman-yet-is-also-not-a-girl arrives on campus.

     “Britney belongs to Pepsi, so we can’t have Coke anywhere on LSU campus if she’s living here.  Also, MTV’s Total Request Live will have to move from New York into the Union so that all of Britney’s fans will be able to keep perfect track of her latest musical work.  There will be a thirty-foot bronze statue of Britney on the Parade Grounds and on every other Friday, a mandatory viewing of Britney’s film ‘Crossroads’ will be enforced in all classes.”