The chaos of Baton Rouge’s “Native-American Heritage Month” is finally winding down. The locals have boxed up all of their turquoise arrowheads, silver beaded moccasins, and any other stereotypical Indian artifacts that the US now imports in bulk from China.

Betty Dillman, who operated the “Indian Friends” booth at the Native-American Heritage Festival, exclaimed, “I wished the whole thing would have never ended! I love me some Indian heritage.”

Many of the local townsfolk share Dillman’s feelings. With no plans to appreciate any cultural or racial group for the next three months, the Baton Rouge town council held a meeting last Friday, and agreed it was time to create a new category of things and people to celebrate.

After 30 minutes of deliberation, the council unveiled next month’s extraordinary new celebration titled - “Appliance Appreciation Month.”

“AAM is a different kind of celebration that everyone, not just guilty white people, can enjoy,” said chief council member, Misty Crowe. “The whole town treats their appliances like crap and with Appliance Fest, we aim to make those appliances gain some self-respect.”

A recent Campus Dirt investigation discovered hundreds of local kitchens filled with battered, bruised, and underappreciated appliances. Rusty washing machines looked as if they had been toiling for years cleaning thread after dirty thread for little to no gratitude and shoddy maintenance. Food processors lay dirty and cracked in overcrowded sinks. Flies buzzed around the swollen bellies of dusty vacuum cleaners.

“It is a proven fact that a happy washing machine with high self-esteem performs better than one that is poorly maintained,” said Dr. Sherbet M. Custard, author of the book Appliance Applications of the Heart: Machines Need Love, Too. “Do you talk to your refrigerator when getting a late night snack? You should consider it. After all, the refrigerator doesn’t wake you up when it wants something to munch on. It’s a simple matter of common courtesy.”

Dr. Custard says he plans to fully support AAM, taking part in the festivals, in-depth counseling sessions, repair workshops, and “3K Appliance Walks” that will be held every weekend all month long. Those living in Baton Rouge and surrounding cities will be encouraged to tote their favorite and least favorite appliances around to explore the various events and activities.

	Above: These are not appliances. They are people. They sure would appreciate some appliances, though.

      According to Crowe, during the celebration’s third week, a special “mystery guest” will speak at the newly-constructed Domestic Device Pavilion in downtown Baton Rouge. The mystery guest, Dr. Sherbet M. Custard, will offer a lecture on the long-term benefits of helping appliances live fulfilling lives, even though they are mindless machines who serve mankind until they break or get replaced by more efficient models.

A special rock concert from the band “Dr. Custard’s Wailing Jennies” will help kick the festival off next Friday. Thus far, Crowe and other organizers could not be happier with the community’s response toward the event.

“We’ve had people dropping off old books, spare machine parts, and bags of money all week long. The donations and love have just been pouring in like a great big waterfall of trash and dirt,” beamed Rachel Hamburg, one of many Appliance Fest organizers. “And check out this cozy little sweater I just knitted for my toaster oven! Isn’t it precious? I’m making some overalls for my television next, though I’m not sure if it’s considered an appliance or not.”

The council would like to remind everyone that each week of AAM, a new costume theme will be announced. During the festival’s first week, citizens can get into the appliance-loving spirit by dressing as their favorite air conditioning unit. Also, all proceeds from the events throughout AAM, however miniscule they might be, will fund proper burial services for all appliances found in the city junkyard.

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