|
|
 |
|
Above: Tamberson
enjoying a hearty laugh while squeezing out a loaf of fecal material onto the
latest issue of The Reveille. Tamberson later consumed the newspaper, as
well as his own shit, even though he did not want to consume either of those
things. |
The disgusted police officers raced to be the first to tackle and
handcuff Tamberson, a number of them stepping on the ruined
Reveilles and slipping around helplessly before they could reach
him.
Tamberson was finally arrested as he triumphantly pumped his fists in
front of a stunned crowd of LSU students. Some students were near
vomiting, while others clapped and cheered.
“That was awesome! I’ve wanted to do something like that to the stupid
Reveille ever since its only redeeming column, Off the Cuff,
became so corny and unfunny. Honestly, what Christopher Tamberson put
into the Reveille that day is nothing that I don’t see in there
every day,” spouted chemistry freshman Greg Beauchamp.
Though Tamberson faces months of jail time, hefty fines, and the
inevitable wrath of the Reveille’s league of ever-witty
columnists, he feels fully justified that he resorted to bathroom
tactics in order to express his contempt for the newspaper.
“The Reveille wrote this article the other day about why people
need to wear socks and I was complaining to my friend about how lame,
bland, and poorly written it was,” Tamberson said while blowing his
nose with one Reveille and smashing a roach with another. “My
friend said he wouldn’t even use the Reveille for toilet paper,
which gave me an idea.”
Chris needed only to look in the nearest trashcan to find a stack of
unread Reveille papers. Luckily, he had eaten a hearty
authentic Mexican meal the night before the incident, so he had a
colon full of ammunition to spread across the Reveille’s poorly
laid-out pages.
“My high school newspaper, The Daily DHS News, was way better
than the Reveille,” said Tina Tunderfoon, a journalism
sophomore who applied for a job at the Reveille as a last
resort last semester. “Of course, my high school was better than LSU
in general so I’m not too surprised.”
Coward Farceneaux, Head of LSU Student Media, scratched his bald head
at the stunning news and said, “I can’t believe somebody would do
this. I mean, I could understand if he crapped all over the Gumbo,
but the Reveille? Come on. It’s where I get all my
news.”
