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Above: A
computer-generated image of what Lake Tigerlake, LSU's most famous body of
water, will look like after it is turned into a parking facility. |
A bulk of the parking coordinator’s plans are summarized below:
Paving the Lakes: The beloved
University Lakes that many elderly people enjoy staring at will cease
to exist once this 2-year, $5 million project is completed. Every inch
of water on campus will be paved over with semi-strong cement, freeing
up miles of parking spots. Special note: There will still be a
10 square-foot puddle of water on Dalrymple Drive so those 3 dudes can
pretend to fish.
Estimated number of spaces this will make available: Almost 1,000
Disadvantage: No more lazy summer days spent swimming in and
drinking from the University Lakes. The elderly community will be
forced to stare at the new parking lot and pretend that the vehicles
are the beautiful and majestic ducks that they once loved to watch.
Parking Garage on the Parade Grounds:
Officials originally toyed with the idea of tarnishing the LSU Parade
Grounds with a massive 5-story parking garage that would allow
students just enough space to rest, relax, and play Ultimate Frisbee
there. Instead, they decided to build a “CW5555,” the Car Wash of the
55th Century.
Estimated number of spaces this will make available: 0
Disadvantage: Each car wash will cost $20 with guaranteed
$5/car price increases over the next 5 years.
GPA-Based Parking: Since LSU’s inception, university
officials have wanted to design a parking system that corresponds with
students’ Grade Point Averages. Once this system is implemented,
students with a GPA of 2.0 or lower will be given the closest
available parking spots. Students with a GPA between 2.1 and 3.4 will
be given the remaining few spaces. Students with a GPA of 3.5 or
higher will not be allowed to park or drive on or near LSU’s campus.
They may walk, ride the bus, or catch a ride from one of the more
dim-witted students.
Estimated number of spaces this will make available: 100
Disadvantage: Those students with higher Grade Point Averages
will likely experience a drop in their grades as it becomes harder for
them to attend class.
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Above: Each student
who maintains a 4.0 GPA will snag one of these coveted parking spots (limited to
100 spots). |
Valet Parking: All students
majoring in the Swahili language will be eligible for a valet parking
service near the LSU Union.
Estimated number of spaces this will make available: 7, perhaps 0
Disadvantage: All employees hired as valet parkers must be
fluent in Swahili, coincidently making them also eligible for the
valet parking service, thereby causing the service to nullify itself.
Greek Theatre Renovations:
While no structural changes will be made to the Greek Theatre, cars
will now be able to park on the stage itself, in the aisles, and
between the seats.
Estimated number of spaces this will make available: 50
Disadvantage: Highly probable damage to all cars attempting to
park here, as well as extreme difficulty in getting vehicles in and
out of the theatre. All shows staged at the Greek Theatre will have to
be centered around vehicles, due to the overwhelming availability of
automobiles and automobile parts in the area.
In addition to the above plans, this April, students will be voting on
the installation of either a campus-wide monorail system or a
campus-wide miniature train system.
The miniature train system will only add $1.50 to students’ fee bills
since the train, tracks, and exciting safari animals will be donated
by the Baton Rouge Zoo. The train will be able to hold either 16
students or 32 small children.
The monorail system will be significantly more expensive, adding $125
to every fee bill. However, the monorail will be capable of
transporting 20 students at a time and small children will not be
allowed to ride the monorail.
No matter which option
students choose, construction will not begin on anything until
December of 2017.
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