Two young men were brutally killed by an angry mob of LSU students on Friday, prompting the LSUPD to respond with tear gas land mines and NERF pellet guns. The barely-identifiable bodies of Brock LaBorde, 22, and Christopher Trew, 21, were shoveled and hosed off of the sidewalk in front of the Union, where earlier in the day, the boys had been signing autographs for fans of their weekly Tiger Monday column, “The Weekend Adventures of Brock and Chris.”

     Rap recording legend, Vanillla Ice, who arrived in Baton Rouge earlier in the week with stand-up comic legend, Dustin Diamond, said, “I knew Brad and Curtis for like three days and I wish they were still alive so I could get more free stuff from ‘em, yo.”

     Brock’s grieving father said that the family is taking the news roughly, except for Brock’s grandmother, who doesn’t remember Brock at all. He also expressed hope that the family’s minivan would be recovered from New Orleans, the last place Brock had taken the van.     

	Above: Brock wasn't very cool or important. He hated this picture, which is why it is printed here.

     Jorge Mendez, manager of a local Texaco gas station said the two boys were nuisances and had to be thrown out of his store a few weeks ago for hassling customers with poorly executed conversations in Spanish.

     When police searched the deceased boys’ apartment, they found a small child who had been ordering Chris and Brock around and subsisting for weeks on a diet of only weight gainers and vitamin supplements. The child burned down the apartment before police could search it any further.

     Two unidentified girls who claim to have double-dated Brock and Chris said that the world is now a better place since Friday. They also added that they were hungry and pregnant with Brock and Chris’ children.

     The deceased duo recently returned from entertaining at a large Spring Break event in New Orleans, where they made even more enemies to add to the growing number of enemies they made over the past semester. However, Chris and Brock’s enemies all agree that the two were probably clueless that they even had enemies.

	Above: Chris liked to lurk in the shadows and ridicule the elderly. Now someone else has to do that.

     LSUPD says that no one will be charged with the murders of Brock and Chris, though everyone involved should feel guilty for making such a mess and leaving it for someone else to clean up.

     As it was specified in the final wills of Brock and Chris, their funerals will be an extravaganza event in which their bodies will be used as large puppets combating each other onstage with swords while 2-Pac’s “I Wonder if Heaven’s Got a Ghetto” plays lightly in the background.