- If your Valentine is someone new in your life, pressure him or her into having sex with you within 15 minutes of your date. If they refuse, throw something hard at them the second they turn their back.

- End that lengthy relationship with your completely innocent girl/boyfriend in an unnecessarily violent manner.

- Spit on your date every time they try to open a door for you.

- Constantly stare at your acquaintance's genital area.

- Draw a picture of you and your ex holding hands and leave it on your current boy/girlfriend's pillow.

- Castrate yourself....it's Valentine's Day!

- Remember to serve the ultimate Valentine drink: One part vodka, two parts amaretto, ten parts crushed Conversation Heart Candies.

- If you do not have a Valentine, there is probably a reason why. Fix this problem. This may or may not involve committing suicide.

- If you give a valentine to your mother, seal it with a French-kiss and a butt squeeze.

- Don't forget to have a hearty meal.

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