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Special Report with Turdsen Carpuppy Part 1 in a series of 2 parts!  Greetings, fellow carnivorous plant-lovers, and welcome to the greatest and only thing I will ever write, The Fly-Hating, Venus-Fly-Trap-Lover's Guide to Raising a Venus-Fly-Trap! Of course, any human being with two brain cells to rub together knows that you don't raise a Venus Fly-Trap (VFT) - it raises you. Maybe one day a talented Fly-Trap will write a guide to raising humans, but until then, you'll have to settle for my words of extreme brilliance! You know, at least five people a year say to me, "Turdsen, I want a Venus Fly-Trap, but how could I possibly care for it like it needs to be cared for?" And I grab each one of those stupid people with my wispy fingers and lean in real close to their faces, close enough so that their nostrils inhale the garlicky fumes from my mouth as I say, "You CAN and you WILL raise a Venus Fly-Trap, you lousy old retarded bastard!" But raising a Fly-Trap is much more than just brushing its teeth, snipping its stray roots, and pretending to be its birth mother. To properly nurture, educate, and erotically stimulate your very own Fly-Trap as if it were your own child, you're going to have to abide by the following list of Do's and Don'ts...
- Do arrange fun death battles between your Fly-Trap and other plants. Ever see a Fly-Trap engaged in a no-holds-barred cage match against a surly Dandelion? How about a tag-team match between 2 Fly-Traps and a patch of Milkweeds? It's vicious, bloody, and cruel - the perfect kind of sporting event to share with a children's Bible study class or a group of confused third-world hostages. Of course, all plant battles are excruciatingly slow and most of the action takes place where you can't even see it in the roots beneath the soil, but nothing beats watching your Fly-Trap sprout and flourish while its opponent's petals and leaves wither and dry up to dust.
- Do house your Fly-Trap in a clean, well-lit environment.
Fly-Traps, while being one of Nature's toughest creatures, are
also
one of Nature's most delicate creatures. If your plant's going to
survive beyond the age of a seedling, it must be provided with
constant access to cool air
conditioning, sunshine-simulating light bulbs, and the finest damn
medical staff your city has to offer. Expect to spend around $400
monthly on chlorophyll injections, vitamin creams, and socio-physical
therapy sessions for your plant. Also, since flies are dirty
- Don't house your Fly-Trap in the impoverished land of Ethiopia. Yes, there are lots of flies
for your plant buddy to
eat
there, but there are also lots of starving people there who will
eat your plant if you leave it unattended. Don't believe me? How's
this for a history lesson? During the terrible Ethiopian Green Fly
Epidemic of 1987, the United Nations transported millions of Venus
Fly-Traps to the famished country and watched in horror as entire
colonies of peaceful Venus Fly-Traps were harvested like they were
crispy little potato chips growing out of the ground. Not only were
all of the poor, defenseless Fly-Traps cooked up and eaten, but the
awful green flies flourished on the millions of fresh Fly-Trap carcasses!
Who tells this United Nations company what to do? I wish I did! I
would tell them to bite the big end off a short stick, if you catch
my drift! Part 2 of whatever this is that I'm doing is going to be posted right on this very website soon enough, sooner than you can imagine and sooner than I can even finish writing it. That's one Turdsen promise you can take to your grave with you! And I will be sending you to your grave one day, each and every one of you... Tata!
This feature written by
Brock. |
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- Cedric von Samiss' Main Page
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Do feed your Fly-Trap a steady diet of flies. This seems like common sense, but
some people think they eat water like other ordinary plants! Um, no!
When a Fly-Trap goes to the grocery store, the only thing you'll find in
its buggy (no pun intended) is flies, flies, flies - not nutrient
packs, not water gel cubes, not big bags of pig poopoo. But don't
let your plant's limited taste buds keep you from being creative. Feel free to try out some exciting recipes, as long as you
don't kill the flies or add any ingredients other than flies. Every
so often, show your playful side by dressing your friends up as giant flies and
letting them taunt and tease your plant.
Feeling especially silly? Slip a plastic joke fly into its mouth and see
what happens! But give it some real flies after that...
- Don't feed it King Bowser's Mutant Growth Serum, plant it
in large green pipes all over town, and teach it to hate chubby Italian
people. Despite what you may think when you see stupid things like Segway
scooters or the war in Iraq, there is a clear logical design for the way the world
works, people. And you can't go around playing God by spreading
man-eating plants on every freaking level! Of course, if
you're Japanese and you want to create an indescribably irresistible
side-scrolling video game environment that will spawn a
multibillion-dollar franchise spanning across multiple gaming platforms for
years to come, then disregard the above statements.
- Don't stage battles between your Fly-Trap and notorious street
gangs. Yes, Fly-Traps are
worthy combatants within the ranks of the
plant world, but one tiny plant taking on a group of ruthless,
undisciplined gangsters is beyond foolish! A
well-armed human will
defeat a Fly-Trap 100 out of 100 times. Hand-to-hand is a different
story, but gang people never fight cleanly and innocently, as all
fights should be fought. And even outside of combat, the average hardcore
streetwise thug knows nothing about carnivorous plant cultivation.
They'd probably peepee on the plant out of sheer ignorant spite.
Fly-Traps belong nowhere near gang members. Don't even let them
babysit your plant if you value its life. Even if they're offering
to do so at a fantastic rate.
creatures, expect your Fly-Trap to contract severe bacterial infections
every week. I believe that my urine has sanitizing properties, so I peepee on my Fly-Trap and around its bacteria-breeding little pot at
least once a day. I'll do the same to yours for a small peepee fee.
