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Special Report with Turdsen Carpuppy Part 2 in a series of 2 parts!  Howdy-hoo and welcome to the second chapter of The Fly-Hating, Venus-Fly-Trap-Lover's Guide to Raising a Venus-Fly-Trap! I'm your host man, Turdsen Carpuppy, but I'm sure you knew that because I already told you that in the first part of this exciting guide, which you can find here or here. In Part 1, I pretty much told you everything that I would have written in this introductory paragraph, so I'm just going to hope that you go back and read all that stuff so I can get on with more of my world-famous Do's and Don'ts of Venus Fly-Trap cultivation! Here we go, idiots! Do or don't do these things...
- Do hot-glue a pair of little plastic googly eyes to your Fly-Trap's
head and make it look like it has a face. This not only makes your
plant feel more human, but it allows you to finally look each other in the eye and
start really trusting. Do this tonight and I swear you'll notice a definite
positive change in your relationship. Plus, when friends see your Fly-Trap, they'll
say things like, "Hey! Who's that funny little man over there who
eats flies?" or - Don't dress it up in a custom-tailored double-breasted pinstriped suit. Is your Fly-trap running late for a board meeting? Is it going to Wall Street to make more of those boring Wall Street Journals? Then why is it wearing a suit?!? Sure, it's a cute idea, but outside of Halloween, this type of behavior is plain discourteous and inappropriate. Besides, everybody knows that nobody respects a plant in pants.
- Don't try to mate with your Fly-Trap. Human-plant sex is
risky business. As my grandfather told me on his deathbed,
- Do give your Fly-Trap a cute name like Mimi or Zachary. How
else will it know when you're talking to it? How do you know when
people or animals are talking to you? They say your name or throw
bladed objects at your head, right? Plants are no different than
people in that way. So you must bestow upon your plant a moniker
that both makes you proud and fits your Fly-Trap's unique
personality. Take your time, consult name suggestion books, confide
in a priest, randomly scramble letters into dumb-sounding imaginary
words - whatever works best for you. But in the end, make sure that
the name you choose is cute, not
cutesy. Big difference there, and you don't need a knock on
the head from ol' Turdsen to know that!
- Don't call your Fly-Trap your Lord and Savior and worship it on a
daily basis. Well, I might not totally agree with myself on this
one. On second though, this isn't a mandatory "Don't". Perhaps it
should be a "Maybe Do" or a "Definitely Do". Yes, I was wrong earlier.
Your Venus Fly-Trap is your Messiah and should be praised as such
every waking moment. Yay! I'm
done writing this worthless little guide and now I can go back to my precious
Fly-Trap and do what we were doing earlier - sipping expired cough
syrup while reading French poetry coloring books to one another. I
sincerely hope that this guide reaches unto the ends of the earth so
everyone will raise the biggest, best Venus Fly-Traps so that one
day, all the VFT's of the world will gain a supreme consciousness
and will overtake us puny humans. Until then, I, Turdsen Carpuppy
can feel secure that I had a hand (or frond, for all you Fly-Trap
readers
out there) in the Grand Anti-Human Revolution! Ta-ta!
This feature written by
Brock. |
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- Properly Caring for Your Venus Fly-Trap - Part 1 - Cedric von Samiss' Main Page
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"Turdsen, I simply love your new roommate, but why
does he sit in a pot of dirt all the time?" It's fun to hear things
like that, I think.
- Do encourage your Fly-Trap to mate. As I write this, I can
feel your eyes blushing before they've even read this, but it
has to
be discussed and I promise I'll keep it brief. Yes, your plant
has to get to know the birds and the bees. Not real birds or bees,
of course. To put it bluntly and simply, I'm talking about your
plant fucking another plant in order to make more plants. This is a
fact of life that makes some of us a bit envious of the lucky other
plant in your plant's life, but it's Nature's Way, so we just have
to live with it. Or if you want to join me in my never-ending quest
against Nature's Way, you can sign up for my newsletter and together
we can start planning how to generate more VFT's without so much
plant-on-plant sexing going on. Fight the power with me, plant
lovers!
"You can
screw the melon, but you can't hump the vine." Leave this kind of
thing to the
perverts, people. Unless you are a lucky man like me,
your genitalia is probably too large for the plant to handle and
your sexual rough-housing can severely damage the plant's warm,
moist inner membranes. And if you find that you just can't help
yourself, at least have the good sense not to videotape your
lovemaking session and post it on all the popular carnivorous plant
enthusiast forums. They will delete your account and ban your IP
address. It's very aggravating.
