-
Ole Yankee Ham and Yam Hat:
Take a baseball cap and dump three cans of yams and one ham leg inside
of it. Wear it on your head for 5 minutes. Remove the hat and then
place it back on your head. Repeat this 3 times. Add a ham wing and
you've got an Ole Yankee Ham and Yam Hat! Serves 8.
-
Papa Frank's Paper Franks:
Using at least 3 different colors of thick construction paper, cut out
enough 6-inch long wiener-shaped strips of paper to feed your entire
family. Paste the completed "wieners" to some paper plates. Next, draw
some cool robots and cut those out, too. Make the robot paper dolls
wage a fantastic and complex war against the paper plates and paper
wieners. Do all of this in the middle of dinner when conversation is
at its liveliest. When everyone asks you what you're doing and why,
tell them that you're doing what Papa Frank told you not to do. Serves
1.
-
Marshmallow Cranberry Sexies:
Take two bags of miniature marshmallows (white) and
separate the marshmallows from the bags. Throw the empty bags in the
garbage. You are through with those. Lay the marshmallows on a baking
pan (face up). Take three cans of cranberry sauce (crimson) and
somehow move the cranberry sauce far away from the cans. These cans
may be crushed and disposed of in whatever manner you feel is right
for your household. Mash up the cranberry sauce and spread it over the
marshmallows. Once this is baked in an authentic wood oven for three
days at 500 degrees, it should have a very sexy texture and aroma.
Toss it in the trashcan and put the trashcan on the curb for the
mailman to pick up. Serves none.
- Thanksgiving Turkey:
Get some turkey. That's it. Serves some.
- When
everyone is eating their turkey, raise your glass as if to give a
toast, and then jump up on the table. Take off your pants and squat
over the turkey and tell everyone that you hope they enjoy the rest of
their TERD-KEY! This really should not ever happen.
- Don't
forget about the big F-Ball (football) game on Thursday! Or, you can
forget about it and have an intelligent conversation with your family.
- Search
your local phone book for any Native American families that live in
your area. If you find some, ask them if you can trade them some
knick-knacks and rifles for some maize and harvest horns full of
fruit. If they say yes, call them a bunch of racist pricks and hang
up. If they say no, tell them that you were just kidding and that
you'd rather get all of that Thanksgiving food for free. If they still
say no, ask them if you can borrow their land for a few centuries. If
you laughed at any of the above, you are a typical American slob.
-
Christmas is right around the corner, so assume that whenever anyone
is nice to you, it is only because they want a fancy present. Because
of this greedy attitude, no one gets any presents this year.
- Send
President Bush a Thanksgiving card so he doesn't feel lonely over the
holidays. He doesn't have much.
- The day
after Thanksgiving is the most important shopping day for small and
large retailers all around the world. If you have any surplus money in
your bank account, dump it in the streets and then watch the news to
find out if people are dumping enough money in the streets this year.
- If you
have been
sexually harassed before (and you got
all depressed because of it), do something to get your mind off of
that. Try killing members of the opposite sex. Or try drinking warm
tea.
- Lock
yourself in your bedroom and refuse to talk to anyone or eat for 48
hours. When it's time to come out, tell everyone that you are upset at
them for continuing with their Thanksgiving activities without you.
They do this to you every year, man!
- You
know, The Macho Man Randy Savage has a
new rap CD out now. Maybe you
should buy it and then pump it loudly on your old boom box so everyone
will finally respect you for once in your sad little life.
Happy
Thanksgiving to you if you are a cool person. Otherwise, may you have
a very very shitty time all by yourself!
What are your T-giving plans? Talk about them in the
Studio 8 Forums right now!
