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September 11, 2003 Report
 So last September 11, we provided you with
this and
this
and
this and
this. This September 11, we
provided you with just
this. After witnessing the hundreds
of other tributes, commemorations, memorials, and touching video
montages that other websites and news sources provided, we realized
that we didn't do anything at all related to the September 11 tragedy.
Why, you ask? Well, simply put, we forgot.
Oops. It's terrible, isn't it?
But before you write us nasty emails or close out this browser
window or soil your pants with a furious flow of urine, understand
that Studio 8 is making up for its mistake.
Since we didn't properly cover the 9/11 anniversary this year,
we've gotten a healthy jump-start on next year's anniversary by
conducting interviews with some random street people who shared with
us what they would be doing for next year's September 11th
anniversary, whenever that may be.
So read the below tidbits, reflect on what happened two years (plus
a few days) ago, and start working on your own plans for next year.
Also, get off the couch and engage in some internet surfing. It's a
lovely day outside and the whole world really is at your fingertips
with the World Wide Web.
What will you be doing for next year's 9/11 anniversary?
 "Oh, I
suppose that next year, I'll be getting drunk and screwing some hot
chick on my sofa. I'm planning on getting this really neat brown
velvet couch that I saw on sale at Fendelli's Couch Depot last July. I
should be able to afford it by Christmas. After that, I'm sure I'll be
meeting lots of chicks and having sex with them and touching their
butts and stuff, you know what I mean? Chicks like it when they're
getting screwed on cool-looking couches."
Perry Frecnel
San Bandito, TX
"Next year? How about asking what I did last year or this year? Well,
even though you didn't ask, I will tell you. In 2001, I was watching
television and trying to find something to watch besides all of that
terrible World Trade Center explosion footage. In 2002, I was also
watching television, trying to find something other than stupid news
reports about it being the one-year anniversary of the terrorists
attacks. This year, I gave up and just watched some old Ducktales
tapes that I have saved in case I ever need some serious cheering up.
Now, next year, I'll probably be gay, so I bet that I will be snorting
cocaine and having someone fist me."
Herman Gaimple
Corkyville, RI
"How would I know what I'm going to be doing a year from now? What's
so damn significant about September 11th anyway? It's not like when
the towers fell it was the end of the world or anything. I mean, I
didn't know anybody who died and it hasn't really affected me in any
way. I live in the south, so it's all so far away. Look, if you put
any of this shit that I'm saying on your stupid website, I'm going to
bite your penis really hard the next time I am going down on you, I
swear! Do you think I'm kidding? I'm not. I'm as serious as a mother
fucker."
Mary Fresno
Daytona, LA
"I just met this really cool guy named Herman. He performs little
maintenance jobs around the apartments where I live and he is a total
cutie! Actually, he's kind of nerdy and ugly, but I love guys like
that! Anyway, I think by this time next year, I will have turned him
gay, or at least halfway gay, so I will be spending most of my time
forcing him to snort cocaine with me and, of course, I'll also be
fisting him like a madman. Now get away from my face, bitch-boy!"
Gordon Rothwell
Corkyville, RI
"Interesting question. For the past two September 11th anniversaries,
I've been organizing peace rallies all over the city. They've done
very well. Lots of people came and shared their peaceful wishes with
each other. Of course, none of it changed anything, because America is
still at war in the Middle East. So I think next year, if we're still
at war over there, I'm going to organize another peace rally, because
I have this feeling that one more rally might do the job and wake
President Bush up to how wrong he is. If that doesn't work, I'm going
to blow up a few daycare centers. That'll get somebody's attention, I
bet."
Marlene Vernon
New York, NY
"My dad says that I look just like Frodo from all the Lords of the
Rings movies! I think he is dumb, though! My sister says that she
can run faster than a bird could! I couldn't say anything like that!
There's a dead sandwich lying in the ditch next to Frankie's driveway!
I will be the king of America Land when I'm all grown up! I can take
all my pennies and put them in my mouth and pretend like I'm a horsy!
Want to see me do that? I can't do that without my mommy being here,
too!"
Danny (Retarded)
San Diego, CA
"I'm going to be on the steps of the US Capitol in Washington singing
this song I wrote that is about all the people who died on September
11th. It's a real sad song, but it's kind of funny, too, because I
sing it through a kazoo and I also have a few whoopee cushions that I
sit on at various intervals throughout the song. Anyway, I get heckled
and beat up every time I play that song, so I probably won't play it
much until that day. I don't know why I'm going to do any of this,
either. It just seems like the thing to do. I guess the media and
violent video games and my ADD make me do it. Also, my dad died in the
twin towers."
Gabe Wilson
Robbytown, SC
"Kill all the fuckers! What do I mean by that? I mean kill every
single towel-headed camel-toed sandman who thinks he can walk on the
same soil that I do! How should we kill them? With machine guns or
bombs or by choking them with bullets and little pieces of bombs that
have blown up! The revolution is here, man! All you have to do is
listen to me and take this gun and fill it up with bullets and then
teach me how to use it, ok? Once I can figure out how to use this gun,
I can start making everything right again by wiping out every
snot-faced desert-loving Arab off this country! Shit, I just hope this
is a machine gun and not a BB gun like that cop told me last night. If
it is a BB gun, my job's going to be a lot harder. Dude, don't walk
away like that or I will hit you with this gun! All right! Shit! Never
mind!"
Bobbie Ray Dunsmith
Cordelia, WI
 "Whoa! Hey, man,
it wasn't cool that you just took that shot out of my hand, man. I was
gonna drink that one and then not drink anymore, man. Hey! Do you know
who can take me back to the house, dude?" <mumbles and dribbles vomit
onto his shirt> "Hey, what's up with all these dumb bitches...gonna
piss on that...Roll Tide, baby! That dude is...hamburgers and chicken
fingers...this isn't my shirt, man...big big titties. Yeah! What's
up?" <passes out in a puddle of vomit>
Some Drunk Guy
Dave's Bar & Grill, NM
"I'll sit in my office and type on this computer and file things and
get my boss a cup of coffee whenever he asks for it. When he asks me
to get him a box of staples, I will roll my eyes and think about
telling him no. Then, while I'm doing it, I'll regret it. Right before
I give him the staples, I'll have a little argument with myself about
it, and eventually, I'll win out over myself and I'll throw the
staples away and tell him that I need to order more. I'll probably be
doing all of these things tomorrow, too. And every day from here on
out, now that I think about it. Oh, I've got to start brewing that
coffee."
Sandra Davies
Gordita, MN
"Next September 11th, my boyfriend, Jason, and I are going to finally
get married! We were supposed to get married on this September 11th,
but our moms said that it was too soon to 'the tragedy' and no one
would come to our wedding. Whatever! Oh well, the only bad thing about
doing it next year is that our babies will be born by then and we'll
have to bring them to the wedding. I kind of hoped that nobody would
know that I was pregnant before we got married, but I guess we can't
do anything about that now. I wish Jason would fuck me with a condom
on his dick."
Dana Whitherton
Yimsie, KY
And there you have it. Let this be a legal pact that when September
11th rolls around again, you won't catch Studio 8 dropping the ball
again. We'll cover the hell out of that tragedy as if it was the first
time that it happened. The only thing that could keep us from doing
that is if something really significant happens on that day, like
Madonna saying something or a really cool movie sequel coming out
soon.
HUGE SERIOUS DISCLAIMER: Studio 8 does not wish to disrespect
or make light whatsoever of the terrorist attacks that took place on
American soil 2 Septembers ago. However, since we generally disagree
with how today’s vast number of media organizations handle all
newsworthy events great and small, we offer this article as a sort of
challenge to stop shoving tragic events down everyone’s throats until
those events become so emotionally clichéd and over-reported, that
nobody wants to remember or pay attention to the lessons that could be
learned from such events.
Like all of you reading this, we staff feels just as awkward,
confused, and remorseful about what happened.
Share your memories of things in the
Studio 8 Forums right now!
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