Special Reports

In life, there are few guarantees. This statement is one of them. The following Studio 8 Reports are not guaranteed to be accurate or helpful in any way. As a matter of fact, they are not guaranteed to be anything but a waste of your time. However, if you want to stay on top of the latest crappy Sunday comics, the newest lame products to hit the market, the coolest, yet little-known holiday traditions, and many other things, you might want to check these reports out.

- Sunday Comics Report #7
- Sunday Comics Report #6
- Sunday Comics Report #5
- Sunday Comics Report #4
- Sunday Comics Report #3
- Sunday Comics Report #2
- Sunday Comics Report #1

Monthly Reports

Every month is unique. Every month is special. Every month precedes and follows another month. That's why we at Studio 8 have made it our duty to find the "special-ness" of each month and boldly declare it here. Each report is fun and fruity, so please limit yourself accordingly.

- "Make Money by Falling Down Month"
(December)
- "A November to Remember Month"
(November)
- "Halloween in Hell Month" (October)
- "Sexual Harassment Month" (September)
- "No More School Month" (August)
- "Summer Survival Month" (July)
- "Volunteer Police Duty Month!" (May)

Other Reports

- Studio 8’s Campus Safety Report
Between all the serial killers, suicide bombers, beltway snipers, and televangelists, the world is beginning to be a scary place to live. And since mankind can’t really live anywhere else except for this world, everyone needs to do all they can to preserve each other’s safety. This Studio 8 Safety Report should be a valuable tool in the fight against crime.

- Properly Caring for Your Venus Fly-Trap - Part 2
Howdy-hoo and welcome to the second chapter of The Fly-Hating, Venus-Fly-Trap-Lover's Guide to Raising a Venus-Fly-Trap! I'm your host man, Turdsen Carpuppy, but I'm sure you knew that because I already told you that in the first part of this exciting guide, which you can find here or here. In Part 1, I pretty much told you everything that I would have written in this introductory paragraph, so I'm just going to hope that you go back and read all that stuff so I can get on with more of my world-famous Do's and Don'ts of Venus Fly-Trap cultivation!

- Properly Caring for Your Venus Fly-Trap - Part 1
Greetings, fellow carnivorous plant-lovers, and welcome to the greatest and only thing I will ever write, The Fly-Hating, Venus-Fly-Trap-Lover's Guide to Raising a Venus-Fly-Trap! Of course, any human being with two brain cells to rub together knows that you don't raise a Venus Fly-Trap (VFT) - it raises you. Maybe one day a talented Fly-Trap will write a guide to raising humans, but until then, you'll have to settle for my words of extreme brilliance!

- The Congolese Guerilla Soldier's Second Combat Pamphlet
Good afternoon, rebel soldier, and welcome again to the wondrous world of guerilla warfare! I am Utambe Onnawabu and I am still the man in charge of everything even though I have lost one eye, all of my lower teeth, and some toes after attempting to steal a booby-trapped bicycle. Congratulations for reading my first combat pamphlet and for surviving long enough to be reading this pamphlet, which we've printed up on several rolls of rough, splinter-filled toilet paper that were confiscated from a group of rich exotic animal hunters who mistakenly thought we were friendly natives.

- The Congolese Guerilla Soldier's First Combat Pamphlet
Good morning, rebel recruit, and welcome to the exciting world of guerilla warfare! I am Utambe Onnawabu and I am the man in charge of things until one of my many shifty-eyed underlings disposes of me when I least expect it. Congratulations on taking your first steps toward a happy and fulfilling life by deserting your family and dedicating yourself to a group of violent, untrustworthy strangers who have no clear plan or leadership!

- 2006: One Second of Pure Entertainment
We're excited as hell about gaining another second and, of course, we've got a few suggestions on how you might want to spend such a once-in-a-lifetime freebie such as this. So, in 2006, at some point when you have a second to spend your fancy new second, you could...

- The 2004 Studio 8 Christmas Sweater Review
Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without the inevitable return of brightly-colored sweaters loaded with shiny, twinkling baubles and trinkets that are somewhat related to the traditional icons of Christmas. Actually, Christmas would be just fine without these sweaters, but most Americans are convinced that it's an absolute necessity to wear them anyway. As a matter of fact, I can personally guarantee that at least 75% of you reading this right now: A) - have a mother, and B) she owns at least one stupid Christmas sweater that she puts on around this time of year without even thinking about it. The other 25% of you either never had a mother or you are a mother who wears Christmas sweaters.

- Studio 8's Ultra-Wholesome Thanksgiving Report
There's not much to do during Thanksgiving. That's no secret. What is a secret is this: Studio 8 knows nothing about Thanksgiving, nor any other stupid modern holidays. But, we realize that whenever a major holiday comes around, people like to read about things like the holiday's origin, what to do during the holiday, and how to get away with murdering their enemies without getting caught by the police. Thus, we are going to present to you all of the below Thanksgiving-related things.

- 2003 Hurricane Tracking Safety Survival Report
Nobody likes it when emergencies happen to themselves. According to Studio 8's Emergency Weather Monitoring Team - Harvey "The Weathervane" McKloosky, Cap'n Blizzard-Bottoms, and Dr. Stacey Hooperwell - the important concept to remember is: Always plan the emergency out exactly how you would like it to happen.

- September 11, 2003 Report
So last September 11, we provided you with this and this and this and this. This September 11, we provided you with just this. After witnessing the hundreds of other tributes, commemorations, memorials, and touching video montages that other websites and news sources provided, we realized that we didn't do anything at all related to the September 11 tragedy.

- 2003 NFL Season Guide Report
Every year, it gets rougher and tougher and harder. Every year, some teams lose and others win. Every year, someone wins the big one, the Super Bowl. The road is long, but the road to that road is even longer. So to get you down that road and onto the part that is not so tough, Studio 8 is here for you.

- New Candy Report
We assume that you need us to review all the newest, state-of-the-art candy that has recently been made available to the public.

- The June 2003 Magazine Selection Report
Every month, more and more magazines pile onto bookstore shelves across the county.   Unless you are Marilyn Monroe or Donald Trump, you probably don’t have enough time or money to read all of them.

- The Great Blackout of 2003 Report
If you were in any of the cities that experienced a blackout last week, you probably missed out on all the hot hot hot news that happened in the world. Luckily for you, the crack reporting team at Studio 8 is here with a quick summary of all that happened while the lights were out.

- 4th of July Fireworks Report
Many misguided people in the United States of America find some sort of grand pleasure in the yearly ritual of purchasing a few bags full of "fireworks," which are overpriced (yet cheaply made), fun (yet dangerous), and thrilling (yet somewhat dull and repetitive) concoctions of paper, glue, and gunpowder that hundreds of impoverished Chinese infants manufacture in mass quantities every year so millions of wealthy Americans can celebrate their freedom and independence by burning things.

- The 2003 Year in Review Predictions Report
Every news source, website, or pathetic hybrid of the two will soon be forcing their readers to suffer through either a “2002 Year in Review Report” or a “Year 2003 Predictions Report.” At Studio 8, we like to stay on the cutting edge of useless reports reporting, so we have taken the above two lame ideas and have somehow merged them into one, ultra-lame “2003 Year in Review Predictions Report.”

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