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Studio 8's 2003
NFL Season Guide Report
 Every
year, it gets rougher and tougher and harder. Every year, some teams
lose and others win. Every year, someone wins the big one, the Super
Bowl. The road is long, but the road to that road is even longer. So
to get you down that road and onto the part that is not so tough,
Studio 8 is here for you. We've been through Summer Football Camp in
Oaksdale, Carolina. We've read every issue of Sports Illustrated.
We've tackled most of the quarterbackers who've ever stepped into a
football ring.
And now we're here to prove that "America's Favorite Pastime" is
still a good pastime for America to call its favorite. If we don't do
that here, then we can't do it and we are failures. If we are
failures, then you can take over this website. Just send a
self-addressed stamped envelope to your own home address with your
name, phone number, and social security card taped to it, and Studio 8
will mail you this website within 6 to 3 weeks.
AND NOW...ONTO THAT F-BALL, BABY!
This Year, Everyone Wants
to Win the Super Bowl:
And that means everyone in the NFL.
The Bills, The Steelers,
The Cowboys, The Eagles, The Giants, The Dolphins, The Jets, The Misters,
The Patriots, The Jaguars, The Bengals, The Browns, The Redskins, The Bears,
The Lions, The Packers, The Mugz, The Vikings, The Falcons,
The Panthers, The Saints, The Bucs, The Cardinals, The Rams, The 49ers,
The Seahawks, The Wieners,
The Chargers, The Raiders, The Chiefs, The XFLers, The Broncos, The Jaguars,
The Texans, The Ca-Cas, The Colts, and The Titans all have one thing
on their minds - victory in all 16 games they play this season. To do
that, they will need to play their best. To play their best, they need
to stay focused and remember to stay on top of their game. Also, they
will need a lot of money and equipment and doctors and stuff.
Injuries to Look Forward
To:
Some key players are going to get hurt
this year. Among the long list of the wounded, you'll find:
Greggy Sams
(Cincinnati Canucks)- Will separate his right
shoulder in game 5 and his left in game 7.
Telly Ultas (Ohio Crystal Dragons) - Broken femur bone in the AFC Championship game.
Henry Saltamachia (West Houston Puds) - Stomach cramps at halftime during
every game due to pre-game chili con queso ritual.
Randy Varmas (Nevinville Ropes) - Will hang himself from field goal post
during 3rd quarter in week 9.
Nathan Borck (Delaware Nathans) - Elbows ripped off during end-zone
celebration in week 10.
Fred MoMo (Los Angeles Angels) - Hand mangled from putting it in the
opposing mascot's mouth, which has razor blades in it.
Potato Muggstone (Corningware Rockets) - Tongue stapled
to inside of cheek during contract signing.
Key Match-ups of the Season:
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#3 Chargers vs. #1 Chiefs
Both of these teams need to win this game to improve their
record. Hopefully they both will.
#14 Titans vs. #16
Cardinals
In order to be ranked higher, you have to win this game. In
this match up, both teams will try to do that - but only one will.
#2 Jets vs. #8 Tigers
When teams of this caliber collide, it's got to be a great
game!
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#21 Panthers vs. #24 Saints
In order to rise above the other, one of these teams will need
to combine a successful defense with an equally successful
offense.
#49 49ers vs. #9 Patriots
In this head to head battle, one team is leaving the field a
loser.
#6 Bishops vs. #7 Bucs
When teams of this caliber collide, it's got to be a great
game! |
Things
You Can Count On:
- A
future hall-of-famer will get injured and begin to call games from the
sideline, offering the same expert analysis that any average American
who has watched football more than twice can offer.
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This man, Stephen Sport, will give you his spin of the NFL action whenever
he is sober enough to type.
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Someone in your family is going to take out their frustrations on you every
Sunday that their team loses. This may or may not include making out with
you, but will probably always include some sort of macabre puppet show with
their genitalia.
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Millions of people will lose loads of money on illegal and legal
sports bets. The same number of
people will gain loads on those very same bets.
- Some moron
will call a referee "Ray Charles" after making a bad call. This
moron says this same thing every week, every year, while his family
members politely laugh at him, secretly wishing that he wasn't alive.
- The
writers of this piece will get beat up for not liking sports that much
and for continuously mocking them.
Fantasy Football Tips:
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Nobody plays Fantasy Football anymore because it's really gay and Yu-Gi-Oh
is way cooler.
Do you want to organize a neighborhood football team with Studio 8?
Tell us in the
Studio 8 Forums right now!
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