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New Product Report: The June 2003 Magazine Selection Report

Every month, more and more magazines pile onto bookstore shelves across the county. Unless you are Marilyn Monroe or Donald Trump, you probably don’t have enough time or money to read all of them. So we have taken the liberty of reading almost every single magazine in publication (aka: a few old magazines we found lying around our apartments) "cover to cover" so we can summarize their contents here! With your extra spending money, maybe you could buy a funny T-shirt or a comedy CD or your own website where you can plug your own lame stuff like we just did!

- Maxim – If you ever wanted to know how to make a girl cum with your middle toe and a bottle of Diet Sprite, then you definitely need to read this issue of Maxim. If you have ever read a Maxim, though, then you’ve probably already seen how to do this. But, if you want to read about dudes drinking a lot of beer and an article named "How to Have Fun", go ahead and pick this issue up. However, if you are either insecure, horny, ugly, stupid, or desperate, you might want to get a subscription.
Other notes: Used a half-naked girl to promote a sandal. Told 678 lame jokes. The Jokes Page was not funny whatsoever.
On the Cover: Very wet and shiny girl in an almost see-through bikini.

- Men’s Health – This month’s Men’s Health is very unique. It features tips on getting women to orgasm faster, a sure-fire way to get those awesome washboard abs you’ve always dreamed about, and also some innovative tactics on losing your gut! It’s very different from last month's issue, which featured a sure-fire way to get girls off, innovative tactics to get a 6-pack, and tips on losing weight.
Other notes: Lots of pictures of half-naked dudes running around, eating stuff, working out, and being healthy. Also saw lots of articles and info graphs that were related in some way to health, particularly the health of men, particularly men who are health-minded.
On the Cover: A sweaty and swollen man who should be on the cover of either a women's magazine or a gay men's magazine.

- O Magazine - Oprah talked about a lot of corny stuff like her favorite things to cook, her favorite things to say to men, her favorite things to knit, and her favorite things to look at in her LA mansion's backyard. Then she discussed a lot of crappy, expensive, and unnecessary products that she happens to like and thinks that everyone should buy. Also, there were a lot of pictures of Oprah smiling. Someone who is very corny and stupid (like this woman) would absolutely love this magazine.
Other notes: Oprah mentions how she used to be fat and unhappy every chance she gets.
On the Cover: Oprah...smiling.

- Rolling Stone – Who is the future of the rock and roll industry? Who will go on to be one of the greatest music acts in history? These questions and more generic ones are answered in this month’s issue of Rolling Stone (as well as in last month’s issue) and they will be repeated every month from here on out. Sorry, guys.
Other notes: Packed with clichéd articles about over-hyped and egotistical musicians who we are tired of hearing about.
On the Cover: Either a rock band doing something cool, a pop star doing something sexy, or a hip-hop star doing something tough.

- Bop! – This issue of Bop! Magazine was totally crammed with totally hot pictures of the hottest celebs on the planet! Yeah, they are the same celebs that have been featured in this magazine for the past 3 years, but you should still be very excited about this. The poster has a pretty fine-looking picture of that totally hot guy from that way cool musical group that plays that song that is so awesome!
Other notes: Includes a 10-page foldout listing every brand of makeup ever used on Jennifer Lopez's face. Also had some hot an sexy celebs' very hot and sexy tips about looking hot and sexy for all your fave celebs!
On the Cover: A vomit-inducing collage of every teenage pop star who's had a single fatured in the Top 50 Countdown over the past 2 years..

- WWE Raw – For everyone who doesn’t watch wrestling, this issue of RAW Magazine will clue you in on the following things: Who has a problem with who, who plans on fighting who in the near future, how (insert name here) got started in wrestling, and how someone plans on extracting revenge on someone else. For everyone who does watch wrestling, this magazine just reiterates the same story lines that are recycled every 6 months on television, so don’t bother picking it up.
Other notes: Really cool Merchandise Page has a bunch of really awesome-looking wrestling T-shirts.
On the Cover: The current World Champion with the belt...he can't be stopped!

So that’s the end of our June 2003 Magazine Report. Be sure check out our other reports, which will cover many varied subjects like magazines, the Sunday comics, music, movies, books, dog foods, artificial teeth cleaners, things, stuff, and other assorted items.

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