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2004 Hurricane Tracking Safety Survival Report
The sheets of drowning rain, pillows of violent wind, and blankets
of cleansing fire known as
Hurricane Howard are pummeling the east coast as if it were an
over-zealous child rushing the stage at a Wiggles concert.
And with all of the lawn furniture, tractor wheels, and improperly
buried corpses flying through the air, it's no wonder that people are
getting panicky and confused about how and why they should prepare in
case the next hurricane heads in their direction.
Nobody likes it when emergencies happen
to themselves. According to Studio 8's Emergency Weather Monitoring
Team - Harvey "The Weathervane" McKloosky, Cap'n Blizzard-Bottoms, and
Dr. Stacey Hooperwell - the important concept to remember is:
Always plan the emergency out exactly how you would like it to happen.
That means pinpointing the emergency's location, arrival time, and
exact course of action. Of course, all of this is impossible, so
everyone's really screwed when it comes down to it. BUT, you can sort
of pretend to be preparing for the inevitable blood-bath and loss of
your possessions by utilizing all of the information provided below.
What NOT to do if and when the big storm visits
your area:
1. Smash all of your windows out and replace them with Saran Wrap.
- This is either an old wives' tale or an urban legend. Either
way, this misguided bit of advice has gotten around and millions of
people mistakenly engage in this activity every storm season. This
rumor was started by either that dead kid who swallowed all the Pop
Rocks and Dr. Pepper or that slutty junior high cheerleader who had 8
pounds of football player semen pumped out of her pancreas.
2. Cover your loved ones with duct tape. - Unless your loved
ones are a bunch of brittle lamps, Precious Moments figurines, or
Pizza Hut commemorative E.T. glasses from the early 1980's, this
behavior is not recommended. Instead, tenderly wrap your loved ones in
thick blankets, preferably ones that are hand-woven by those darling
little Indians who sit by the interstate all day, and stow them in the
trunk of your car, which should be submerged in a nearby pond for
safekeeping.
3. Ride on a surfboard in the ocean and scream challenges at the
storm. - Hurricanes, like time-traveling cyborgs, do not respond
to human emotions. Physical threats and floppy-armed temper tantrums don't work too well, either.
If you find yourself on a surfboard in the ocean with a hurricane
rushing toward you, your only hope is to flail your arms and legs so a
shark will mistake you for a sea lion and bite your torso in half
before the hurricane can kill you first.
4. Watch the Emergency Broadcast Station on television. - The
EBS is one of the biggest hoaxes of all time. Countless hours of soap
operas, daytime talk shows, and syndicated reruns have been lost
forever due to the evil, faceless corporation who broadcasts the loud,
creepy EBS tests whenever they need to make a few quick bucks.
Besides, television uses electricity. Storms use up energy. And what
is energy made of? Electricity. So watching television is like sending
a postcard to the storm and inviting it to come visit your house.
5. Evacuate. - The police like to drive around, advising people
to evacuate whenever something like this comes along. This is so they
don't have to fight crime or patrol the area as much. Don't let those
lazy cops get away with it! As a matter of fact, you should make them
work even harder by committing a few acts of criminality if you catch
them pulling something like this in your town.
6. Stay put. - Just because you aren't evacuating, doesn't mean
you need to sit and wait for death to come swallow you. Walk around
your dining room. Stretch. Play a board game. Set things straight between you and
your microwave. Take a nice ice bath. Carve your initials into your
arm. Fold all of your clothes and then toss them into the ceiling fan.
Teach your carpet how to fetch potato chips. Don't go anywhere outside,
and just remember to KEEP BUSY.
Important emergency supplies you'll need:
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A lantern
- When the lights go out, a lantern can come in handy. Just
dismantle the lantern into its 17 constituent pieces and scoop
them into a pile. Using a match or blowtorch, you should be able
to set the lantern pieces on fire, which will create light. Do
this only at night or when it's very cloudy, since it would be
pointless to do it while the sun is out. |
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A life vest
- When your stockpile of canned food runs out, you'll need to
eat something. The average life vest is loaded with Styrofoam,
which is chock-full of chemicals and compounds that humans can't
digest. Don't eat that part, eat the orange skin. |
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A robot
servant - This probably won't help you out much during a
hurricane, but it would be nice to have a fancy robot to take
care of things like ironing, brushing your teeth, and providing
your children with affection and attention. |
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Medicine
- Storms usually bring lots of water. Too much water is the
number one cause of diarrhea and the number three cause of the
common cold. Use medicine to dilute your drinking water.
(Spoon perhaps not required). |
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A cute
bunny - Since the storm will be wiping out most of the local
population, having a bunny around afterwards will help replenish
the earth with life. A bunny can reproduce very quickly and
efficiently as long
as it is not dead. |
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Paper bags
- Put all of your possessions into paper bags. That makes them
easier to carry and also keeps them from getting wet and ruined
for a few extra seconds, in case you must flee your house
because it is spinning through the air at 500 feet. |
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A pistol - During emergency situations, people are at
their worst. Before the storm passes, you WILL have to kill
someone whom you don't want to kill. A pistol will help you do
that. |
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A 'welcome'
mat - This is actually something that you don't want to have
lying around during a storm. You don't want the storm to feel
like it's wanted in your house, do you? You also don't want any
other company with their muddy feet to stop in to interrupt you. |
Studio 8's Up-to-the-Second Hurricane Tracking Alert System:
Hurricane Howard's current position.
Really cool hurricane facts:
- If a hurricane were to fight a volcano, the hurricane would win 3
out of 5 of those times!
- A tornado is half as powerful as a hurricane, but is twice the
size. A hurricane outweighs a cyclone by 25%, but a cyclone has five
times the pressure of even the largest of hurricanes. Cyclones,
tornadoes, and hurricanes are at least six times less dangerous than
the average titty-twister.
- Hurricanes are not able to be trapped using conventional
bear-trapping methods.
- The worst hurricane in American history was "The Big Storm of 1780."
That storm, reportedly summoned by a few women who were later burned
as witches, caused $52 worth of damage (equivalent to $800 billion in
today's economy). Aside from an abundance of rain and devastating
winds, there were also numerous reports of werewolves, sea monsters,
and even a few terrifying moonlit marriage ceremonies between Satan
and several known virgins of the time.
- American folklore legend Paul Bunyan once impregnated a hurricane
and later aborted the child with a 90-foot pine tree.
- Hurricanes are named after the meteorologists who discover them. For
instance, Hurricane Isabel was discovered by Isaac Bellmont, Hurricane
Andrew by Anne Drewsilla, and Hurricane Wang by some Chinese guy.
- The Hurricane only made $23 million at the box office, which
was less than half of Denzel Washington's salary for filming the
movie. Also, The Hurricane is not very entertaining.
So that should take care of that. If Hurricane Howard (or any other
hurricane) has killed,
mangled, or fondled you in any way, please report it to the proper
authorities. Also, if you know who the proper authorities are, let us
know, because we have some shit to discuss with them about some kids
who won't stop throwing rocks at our mailbox.
Are you in the middle of a storm right now? Whine about it in the
Studio 8 Forums!
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