Special Report
The Congolese Guerilla Soldier's Second Combat Pamphlet

     Good afternoon, rebel soldier, and welcome again to the wondrous world of guerilla warfare! I am Utambe Onnawabu and I am still the man in charge of everything even though I have lost one eye, all of my lower teeth, and some toes after attempting to steal a booby-trapped bicycle. Congratulations for reading my first combat pamphlet and for surviving long enough to be reading this pamphlet, which we've printed up on several rolls of rough, splinter-filled toilet paper that were confiscated from a group of rich exotic animal hunters who mistakenly thought we were friendly natives.

     If you can restrain yourself from wiping these words across your rancid backside long enough, you will find many useful advanced guerilla philosophies to lengthen the turbulent life you lead as a subhuman killing machine.

     So, as they say in the inadequate hospitals of Zambia, 'hold your nose because we're going into this crazy, stinky place once again!'

Guerilla Belief #5 - Turn the generosity of others against them.

     The earth is filled with dumb countries who think if they send enough of their good-natured charity workers and missionary people into our land, then our wars will magically disappear. And when we come across any of these people, we gleefully kill them and loot their corpses. Why? Because in addition to the crates of cheap food substances, poorly-translated religious literature, and useless children's toys they carry over our borders, these stupid people also bring vehicles, fresh clothing, communication devices, personal identification documents, and sometimes even shiny new weaponry right into our open arms. Ha ha!

     Of course, these foolish humanitarian workers are not trying to give their nutritional supplies and trinkets to ethnic slaughterers such as ourselves; they hope to give them to the millions of miserable peace-loving civilians in our countries. My friends and enemies, we cannot allow such benevolence and healing to take place right under our noses (those of us who still have our noses)!

     That is why, like the missionaries tell us, we should all learn to pray. Pray for more humanitarian workers. Pray that the churches and charity organizations never wizen up and stop sending them. Pray every night for an endless stream of these stupid people to fly into our country so we might rob them, perhaps hold them for ransom, and mutilate them for fun and pleasure.

Guerilla Belief #6 - When in doubt, use a potion.

     Facing an obstacle that is impervious to fire or traditional intimidation tactics? Try a magic potion. The Mai Mai anoint themselves with potions that they believe make them invincible. The Tutsis drink potions that cause their bullets to fly faster than those of their enemies. Members of the Hutu tribe merely glance at a bottle of their secret potion and it makes their children have 20% less disease.

     Enchanted potions are the greatest products of science, and I tortured enough scientists in my adolescent years to be able to concoct a magic potion for any occasion. I shall give you one example just to be nice - for a potion that will allow you to instantly win any battle you are fighting in, simply mix and consume these ingredients:

- the severed tongues from five good fighters whom you cherish (dehydrated and ground into powder form)
- twelve grains of sand from twelve different American beaches or one average hyena turd
- the blood of a lion that you killed with your bare hands (some of your blood will be mixed in with its blood probably)
- one 20 oz. bottle of Crystal Clear Pepsi carbonated beverage (for flavor and color)
- two cups of denim (stone-washed or pleated)

     I am stubbornly trusting you not to use the above potion against me if ever we are facing one another in mortal combat. I also depend on you not to use any of the information in these pamphlets against me. Of course, I have a potion to take care of that if you do...

Guerilla Belief #7 - Peace is really just war, but much slower.

     Sometimes, as a token of good will and desire for a peaceful resolution, an enemy faction or government representative will offer to sign a treaty with you. Whether or not you waste your time and ink signing such a document is irrelevant, both for the document and for yourself because there will always be fighting and killing taking place within our borders as long as the refugees continue their futile chasing of a harmonious lifestyle and as long as my war pamphlets keep being circulated. Author's note to you: Keep circulating my pamphlets!

     I have heard sneaky, war-hating men call a peace treaty a "ceasefire agreement". I have my own name for it - a "crossfire agreement," a paper which I will gladly sign at any time. This document states that I agree not to shoot my gun directly at you. Of course, I may still shoot my gun at something that is near you or slightly behind you, and if you happen to get hit by a majority of my bullets, that is too bad. And you cannot retaliate on me, because of the stupid papers that you yourself wanted me to sign!

     For some reason, I am reminded of the time that Zaire and Angola sent their friendly ambassadors to our secret base and requested an amiable meeting with our ambassadors. I told them, "Sure, you can meet our ambassadors - the ambassadors of evil and death!" And then we dismembered them. Sometimes you must be prepared to wear the hat of a diplomat. Other times you will need to wear the head of one.

Guerilla Belief #8 - Do not frequently leave your life in the hands of a monkey.

     This principle applies in hundreds of ways, whether it's sending a team of spider monkeys out on a covert assassination mission, enlisting specialized orangutans into your artillery unit, or entrusting a vigilant baboon to watch your food supply hut.

     The widespread usage of monkeys in guerilla combat originated over twenty years ago when the great (yet simple-minded) warrior named Onani Hanubi heard an American news broadcast about guerilla warfare in our jungles and immediately set out to create his own superior gorilla army. He realized his mistake during his first embarrassing battle, but pretty soon, all the other armies were building their own miniature monkey armies and pitting them against one another in a long series of glorious mock battles. Yes, it really did seem like a good idea at first and the monkeys did look cute in the little uniforms and waving their tiny guns at each other, but some of the monkeys were accidentally damaged beyond repair and besides, most of them took nasty dookies in their uniforms and assault vehicles, which made laundry day quite unpleasant and terrifying.

     Thus, we are back to fighting our own battles and now use monkeys as sparingly as possible, mostly for combat training exercises (they make wonderful drill sergeants) or as dates to the Inter-Tribal Spring Fling Formal Dance.

     One final note about monkeys: If a monkey is looking at you like he wants to bite you, he probably will. And if he's not looking at you like he wants to bite you, he most certainly will.

     Rejoice, for this completes your intermediate training as an official Congolese Guerilla Warrior. You are no longer a meager admiral; you are a full-fledged cadet! May your shrapnel wounds only fester for a week and may your enemies sleep in a spot that is easily accessible to your blow-gun marksmen.

     Maintain a watchful face for the third and final pamphlet in this series, but until then, you may either pass this pamphlet along to another 18-year-old guerilla warrior (who is fighting on your side) or you may wrap a fellow soldier's shack with it as a hilarious prank joke.

This feature written by Brock.
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