Special Report
The Congolese Guerilla Soldier's First Combat Pamphlet

     Good morning, rebel recruit, and welcome to the exciting world of guerilla warfare! I am Utambe Onnawabu and I am the man in charge of things until one of my many shifty-eyed underlings disposes of me when I least expect it. Congratulations on taking your first steps toward a happy and fulfilling life by deserting your family and dedicating yourself to a group of violent, untrustworthy strangers who have no clear plan or leadership!

     As you get familiarized with your fellow rugged militiamen, you will no doubt learn many life-threatening survival tricks and evasive combat maneuvers. However, within the brittle pages of this pamphlet (which we've printed on the backs of some old AIDS awareness pamphlets from the burned ruins of the St. Peter's Missionary Church), you shall find several helpful guerilla philosophies to get you started on your journey as a paranoid and delusional rebel soldier.

     As they say in the mass grave burial district of Madagascar, 'let's dig in!'

Guerilla Belief #1 - Government = bad.

     A good soldier knows exactly who his enemy is before he starts killing him. So who is our primary enemy? Malaria? No! South African Camel Spiders? Maybe. The government of Congo? Hell yes!

     Why can we not live in peace with the Congolese government, you ask? Mostly it is because I hate them and my father hated them. But also it is because the government plans on enacting a balanced system of laws in hopes of peaceably regulating the affairs of our wonderful country. Who could stand for such madness? Not myself, that's for sure! And not you, either, or else I will kill you with my machete where you stand!

     The government is shit! The government is the father of a bastard! But worst of all, the government controls the cursed army that chases us every day through the hot jungles. And we, the small but mighty league of loyal rebels, must tend to our civic duty to fight against the armies of the governing powers with whatever meager semi-automatic weaponry we can scrape together.

     Do you want to pledge yourself to an organization that is always trying to erect hospitals, build roads, and provide free education for our children? Or would you rather live under the pleasant anarchistic shadow of perpetual violent power struggles, stubborn ignorance, and corruption beyond all human logic and comprehension? I don't expect an answer to these questions, because I already know your answer.

Guerilla Belief #2 - Civilians are the plentiful tools of anti-civilization.

     Congo's millions of honest cobalt mine workers and their innocent wives and children are not only good for blocking bullets and strapping homemade explosive devices to, they can also be used for:

- collecting firewood
- raping (hey, the government's armies do it, so why can't we?)
- being firewood
- fetching water and supplies that are a few feet out of your reach
- fleeing for their meager lives (not a standard use, but is fun to watch)
- punching, kicking, or hacking when you are bored
- painting to look like zebras and watching hyenas eat them
- constructing shelters out of other dead civilians

     Civilians are stupid, however, since the gods allow them to reproduce quickly, we have an unlimited supply of them. Aside from the occasional stick or fork, they do not arm themselves as they go about their pointless daily routines of eating, working, and sleeping. However, most of their time is spent weeping, usually because of something we have done to them.

Guerilla Belief #3 - Grenades > Guns, Guns > Thinking.

    Whenever you can find them, grenades will provide you with the greatest power known to man - making things blow up. This is why a majority of your day will be consumed with the tireless searching for grenades - in villages, beneath the dirt, and inside the grenade-carrying satchels of your slain enemies. However, most of the time you will have to rely on your machine gun to handle most of the obstacles of jungle guerilla life. Aside from killing people, your rifle can do just about anything - unlock sealed doors, intimidate prisoners to divulge where they have hidden their pastries, open stubborn jars of mayonnaise, or make a funny little song that uses gunshots instead of guitar sounds, just to name a few.

     If, and only if, you have lost your gun or run out of bullets, should you use your brain to think of solutions to your problems. This agrees with the well-known guerilla soldier's motto of: "Think with bullets, then with brains." For instance, if you are alone in the jungle and hear a strange noise, you should immediately fire a few rounds into the air and then start wildly scanning the jungle for the noise's source. This way, you have a good chance of killing the noise before finding it. The speed of gunfire is faster than the speed of thought. Remember that. Use your gun to somehow make you remember that.

Guerilla Belief #4 - Booby your traps correctly.

     Half of modern guerilla combat consists of blindly shooting into the trees. The other half is the setting and accidental triggering of booby traps. These traps may be leg-ensnaring trip-wires, exploding decoys, or camouflaged pits that have un-lubricated ass-penetrating items wedged into their floors.

     However, most (or all) traps have one thing in common - they hurt, disable, or discomfort the entrapped. I must admit, this is a sensitive area for me to comment upon since it seems like common sense, but due to recent misunderstandings, I must reiterate: Do not fill your booby traps with money, jewelry, or other cherished possessions. Do you want to reward your enemy for tripping over your invisible wire or stepping on your pressure-sensitive plate? Of course not! You want to make them bleed or enter into the afterlife!

    Thus, you must set only pain-inducing traps. To do this, you must rig your traps with large amounts of concentrated gunpowder and Debibwe's Big Bag O' Certified Shrapnel that is sold out of the backs of several confiscated Jeeps in the area.

     Your traps must hurt the enemy when they least expect it. I can't stress this idea enough. A good example of this theory is when you are fighting the Mexicans, who sometimes arrive on our continent in ways that I do not understand. However, if you are lucky enough to find yourself in warfare with Mexicans and you want to kill them with traps instead of hand-to-hand combat, simply place your explosives and shrapnel in a colorful crepe paper animal, such as a dog or elephant or goat, which you will hang from a branch just above eye level. Leave a strong stick and blindfold near the tree and move along to a good hiding spot. When the Mexican sees your festive booby-trapped animal, they will think it is full of trinkets and candied treats, and will begin beating it with the nearby stick, only to trigger the bomb and destroy some or most of their party. Stupid Mexicans.

     One final note that I think goes without saying: Try to keep from triggering your own traps.
 

     All right, this completes your initial training as an official Congolese Guerilla Warrior. Consider yourself promoted from Colonel to Private (or whatever military titles would apply if you were actually in a valid army). May the gods of Uganda and Rwanda shine on you as you mercilessly torch inculpable homes, illegitimately occupy legitimately-owned diamond mines, and set an example of hostility and evil for the entire world.

     Keep your eyes peeled for the second pamphlet in this series, but until then, you may either pass this pamphlet along to another 15-year-old guerilla recruit or you may fill it with rice and bugs and enjoy it as a tasty, low-carb wrap sandwich.
 

This feature written by Brock.
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