Many misguided people in the United States of America find some sort of grand pleasure in the yearly ritual of purchasing a few bags full of "fireworks," which are overpriced (yet cheaply made), fun (yet dangerous), and thrilling (yet somewhat dull and repetitive) concoctions of paper, glue, and gunpowder that hundreds of impoverished Chinese infants manufacture in mass quantities every year so millions of wealthy Americans can celebrate their freedom and independence by burning things. Every year, these poor Chinese toddlers are forced to stretch the limits of the human imagination by coming up with new, bigger, flashier, fancier fireworks for the Americans to marvel at. This, similar to painting a highly-detailed bald eagle in 3-D onto a 2-inch wide smoke ball, is no easy task. So this year, Studio 8 bought about $500 worth of the Chinese kid's ingenuity and hard work and then reviewed their latest group of fireworks so you won't have to. All you have to do now is read the following report, choose which fireworks you want to purchase, and then blow yourself up!

American G.I. Boom Planes – Even though these claim to be "planes," they look like helicopters, sound like a duck being slowly strangled, and they fly like very heavy rocks. The coolest part about the planes is when the tiny, extremely life-like pilot jumps screaming and flailing out of the plane on its way down. If you're about to light yours, and you notice that your plane doesn't have one of these pilots, you can do what we did and super-glue a live lizard or half-dead goldfish into the cockpit.
Cost: $2/plane.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 3 feet.
Rating: 4 out of 12 dynamite sticks.

Spinny Run-Round Wheel of Much Lights – The poorly-translated instructions on the side of this contraption said that we were supposed to, "Nail onto wall. Burn on fire. Run. Watch as safe as possible." Since we didn't have any nails or a hammer at the time, plus we were in a field without any walls nearby, we just lit this one, tossed it on the ground, and ran away as fast as we could. When we returned the next day, the field was gone and some group of cruel and immature individuals had replaced it with a huge heap of smoldering ashes. So we imagine that this one looked pretty damn cool once it was going, but we'll never know for sure because we can't afford to buy another one of these and we don't have any more fields to burn down.
Cost: $6/wheel.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 12 feet, maybe 400.
Rating: 19 out of 20 inflamed hemorrhoids.

The Fire Rain – This was probably the most straight-forward firework out of the entire lot that we bought. Once lit, 16 large and beautiful multi-colored comets shot out of the unit one after the other. They went up about 100 feet in the air and shimmered and sparkled in perhaps the most dazzling and spectacular array any of us had ever witnessed. Then all hell broke loose. Each of the 16 comets burst into about 10 smaller balls of fire, which began raining down upon us like the Wrath of God. There were explosions, flames as tall and stout as a grown man, and so much smoke...There was nothing to do but light the other "Fire Rain" we had and hope that it wouldn't be as violent as the first one.
Cost: $50/piece.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 40 feet.
Rating: 1 out of 6 scorched pairs of pants.

The Bucket – We aren't totally sure that we purchased this from the fireworks stand, but we think it was in one of the bags, so we'll review it anyway. This bucket was pretty much just a bucket. It didn't burn well. It didn't make us feel more patriotic. It wasn't fun to throw at friends or family members. It didn't make any cool sounds. It was able to hold a lot of stuff in it, though, like a glass of water, a handful of burnt matches, some ice cream sandwich wrappers, a few cans of mosquito repellant, some guy's toupee, a baby, and a whole shitload of mustard.
Cost: ??? - Probably a couple of bucks.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 0 feet.
Rating: 7 out of 800 sheets of toilet paper.

Danger Cone of Much Danger – This cone contains so much danger, you have to tell the fireworks stand dude that you are at least 16 or he won't sell them to you. And even if you can prove it, he still won't sell it to you until you show him your genitalia. While these cones are relatively cheap, the instruction booklet that is highly recommended for these costs an extra $50. It includes tips on how to make the cone less dangerous and also how to kill up to 15 people with it. We've come to the conclusion that while the danger cone looks pretty cool when it's lit, it also looks really stupid when it's not lit. If you can't figure that out, then you don't deserve to play with this hot new firecracker. You probably don't deserve to play with it anyway since you're, like, 14 and you have small genitalia.
Cost: $.50/cone.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 2 feet or 20 feet, depending on how much of the booklet you've read.
Rating: 25 out of 100 black-eyed peas.

Rockettes (for girls) – These new bottle rockettes have been marketed as being "bottle rockets, but for girls only." We weren't sure what that meant, but we tried to light them anyway. The guys couldn't quite figure out how to light theirs, but some girls who were with us had no problems with it. In fact, they said that their rockettes were so fun that they wanted to go home and chill out by themselves for a while. When they left, we dissected one of the rockettes and discovered that not only was there no gunpowder inside or a fuse on the outside, but there was some sort of strange vibrating mechanism deep inside that made the whole rockette wiggle around in your hand like a big, hard, pulsating cucumber or something. So we guess the ladies might enjoy this one for some unknown reason, but we ended up just taping toothbrushes onto the ends of them and giving them away as birthday presents to the homeless. Also, we use them as dildoes on our girlfriends.
Cost: $19.95/rockette.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 0 feet.
Rating: 0 out of 3 cigarettes.

Gun for Shooting Many People – We can all remember being little kids and receiving a couple of fake popper guns that didn't really do anything involving fire or sparks or booms or really anything fun. Instead, you pulled the trigger and a weak little bang came out, along with some strips of paper and some dust. These are not those guns, all you watchful parents out there! These are small paper guns that shoot small paper bullets, which ARE ABLE to penetrate skin that has already been cut deeply and spread wide open!!! We guarantee that if you give one of these to a child, he or she will point it at something or someone and then they will pull the trigger. There isn't much else to do with it. So if your children are going to be playing near any people with open, oozing wounds, it might not be a good idea to let those people know that you were the one who gave the guns to your children.
Cost: $3/gun.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 0 feet (no fire involved) Paper bullets can fly up to 1 mile.
Rating: 12 out of 46 chunks of raw meat.

Tasty Sticks of Edible Stuff – "Tasty Sticks of Edible Stuff" may look fairly plain and un-exciting, but what's inside will blow you away. Imagine strands of hair, bits of saltine crackers, thumb-tacks, boogers, and corn giblets all packed into a paper tube the size of a lollipop. Now imagine these ingredients exploding everywhere in a wild and beautiful display in the night. Each pack of six comes with one flimsy plastic spoon so kids can scrounge up every little morsel and have a nice and healthy supper, while also learning what it means to be an American on a sweaty, mosquito-filled July night.
Note: One out of every six sticks contains raw sewage or pig entrails.
Cost: $15/pack.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 0 feet, but you will get quite sticky and nauseated.
Rating: 3 out of 3 hot potatoes.

Blue Box of Mysteries and Fire and Death – It's really no mystery what's inside this box. After all, it comes with a packet labeled "FOOD," which you are supposed to slip inside the ventilation holes. Plus, whatever is inside of the box is constantly whining. The real mystery is whether or not the dog, cat, squirrel, dolphin, or other miscellaneous creature will feel any pain when the bottom of this box is lit and the whole thing explodes. Warning #1: If you don't think that animals should be killed in the name of entertainment, do not light this box on fire. Submerge it in deep water, instead. Warning #2: If you are thinking about purchasing this box for a cute and cuddly pet, all pets inside the box have been programmed to explode the instant they are taken out of the box. "The Blue Box of Mysteries and Fire and Death" also comes in the colors yellow and brown.
Cost: $2/plane.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 3 feet.
Rating: 4 out of 12 dynamite sticks.

Real Bomb That Is Meant to Blow Up America– A creepy-looking guy handed this one to us "free of charge" as we were leaving the fireworks stand's parking lot. We were about to light this one up on the living room coffee table when a bomb squad burst into the room, complete with bomb-sniffing canine units and this awesome bomb-defusing robot. The dogs ended up pissing on the bathroom carpet and the robot apparently got really mad and ripped our "Real Bomb That Is Meant to Blow Up America" into tiny pieces. So needless to say, some of us got arrested, some of us got community service, and worst of all, we didn't get to properly review this firecracker, but maybe we'll make up one and post it on here next year.
Cost: Free!
Dangerous Burn Radius: Who knows?
Rating: 0 out of 0 things.

Super Wacky Assortment Pack Ripoff for Kids #12 – According to the man at the fireworks stand, this is the ultimate assortment of fun things to do on the 4th of July. Why? Because with one simple, albeit pricey, purchase of this package of fireworks, you've got everything you'll ever need to satisfy a group of 20 adults and children for at least 15 minutes. Here's a partial list of what we found inside ours:

- 1 "Blue Box of Mysteries and Fire and Death"
- 3 rusted, empty cans of "Very Real Realistic Fake Poo"
- 4 "Exploding World Trade Center Replicas"
- 12 "American G.I. Boom Planes"
- 9 "Amazing Flammable Pieces of Paper"
- 4 "Spinny Run-Round Wheel of Much Lights"
- 8 "Fire Rains"
- 2,000 "Sparklers"
- 18 "Danger Cones of Much Danger"
- 2 pairs of heavily soiled "Dukes of Hazzard" underpants
- 13 "Guns for Shooting Many People"
- 300 "Boxes of Snap-Pops"
- 1 4-year-old Chinese child (male)
- 60 "Tasty Sticks of Edible Stuff"
- 5 Punks (to light everything with)
- 1 "Super Wacky Assortment Pack Ripoff for Kids #11"

Cost: $350/pack.
Dangerous Burn Radius: 1,000 feet (if ignited all at once).
Rating: 1 out of 432 cups of prize-winning horse semen.

So that’s the end of this year's 4th of July Fireworks Report. We might do another one of these reports when New Year's Eve comes around, whenever that may be. Until then, check out our other reports, which will cover many varied subjects like magazines, the Sunday comics, music, candy, books, titties, cat foods, brooms, items, things, and other assorted stuff.

Do the contents of this page make you want to light up some gunpowder? Talk about it in the Studio 8 Forums right now!

---

Paid Advertisement

© Studio 8 Entertainment, LLC is a Website on the World Wide Web Internet Device.