Are you lactose intolerant? Diabetic? How about illiterate? Well, if you are any of these things, then it probably means that you would love to eat milky, sugary, hard-to-read treats all day long, yet you can’t because you are somehow inferior to other human beings who can. Also, you might be poor. So we’re assuming you are all of the above and you need us to review all the newest, state-of-the-art candy that has recently been made available to the public. These candies were all given a fair and decent opportunity to wow us with their taste, freshness, and appearance. All of them failed to do this and you’ll soon see why.

Nougat Nuggets – Nobody knows exactly what nougat is. According to lead candy manufacturers, nougat just naturally occurs as a by-product in the candy bar-making process. Despite its mysterious origins, nougat tastes good when it’s nestled in a Snickers bar or when hidden deep within a peanut butter sandwich, but it is very awkward when it stands alone. Nougat Nuggets are nothing but sticky bits of stale nougat all clumped together in a big, hard-to-stomach mass. Do not buy these. If you ignore our advice, at least don’t open the bag and leave it sitting in a drainage ditch for a week before you eat them like we did.
Rating: 2 out of 8 pretzel sticks.

Jelly-No-Melties – These aren’t new products by any means. As a matter of fact, we first discovered Jelly-No-Melties 4 years ago when we purchased a bag of them to research this article. For some reason, we never opened the bag until now. What we found inside makes us wish that we had never written that article, that we had never agreed to do this foolish report, and that we had never started up this stupid website in the first place.
From what we can tell, Jelly-No-Melties are pieces of plastic sprayed with a number of toxic and long-lasting flavored liquids. After you’ve sucked on one for a couple of hours, you’ll think, “Wow, this thing is not dissolving at all.” Here, you’ll start to wonder whether or not you should keep sucking on this rubbery, moderately annoying blob in your mouth. At this point you’ll look over and gasp in utter horror, realizing that you still have an entire bag of indestructible Jelly-No-Melties that you must finish before they become stale. One of our staff members almost died while eating one of these, and later she did die when we forced her to eat the rest of the bag all at once because we didn’t want to deal with them or her any longer. So we recommend that you stay away from Jelly-No-Melties. If you do happen to buy some or receive some for an anniversary gift, give them to some neighborhood kid or a pet that you despise.
Rating: 1 bicycle out of 6 motor cars.

Peanuts – As far as we can tell, Peanuts is less like a type of sweet and delicious candy, and is more like a bag of regular, unsalted, shelled peanuts. Actually, that’s exactly what Peanuts are: peanuts. They are not a zesty snack. They are not a treat. They are not fun to eat by the handful. If you like peanuts - and we mean plain, boring, dry peanuts that you have to crack open and then eat – then Peanuts is the right candy for you. If you like your peanuts to have any kind of flavor or if you like your candy to contain more than just straight-up, bland, crunchy peanuts, then stay away from Peanuts.
Rating: ½ a banana out of 4 fruit salads.

Hershey’s Factory Floor Sweepings – Following in the steps of Hershey’s Reese’s Pieces Bites and other pointlessly bite-sized candy incarnations, Hershey’s created Floor Sweepings in hopes of making bite-sized candy more bite-sized and expensive. However, making the candy any smaller than it already was proved to be quite difficult and unprofitable. Someone along the way noticed that the floor of the candy manufacturing building is always littered with millions upon millions of tiny bits of candy that flies out of the candy-making machines. Since this stuff is swept up and thrown away anyway, Mr. Hershey figured he could package the stuff and sell it for twice the price of bite-sized candy, which is twice the price of regular-sized candy, which is twice the price of king-sized candy. Thus, Hershey makes even more of a fortune by shoveling his garbage into our open and waiting gullets. But boy is it tasty! There’s a little of all your favorite candies in there, along with a lot of the candies you hate and quite a bit of dirt, hair, and unidentified objects.
Rating: 3 out of 4 broken colostomy bags.

Rainbow Mustaches – You wouldn’t think that someone would actually take real, whole mustaches from various unidentified men and women and then sprinkle them with sugar and food coloring, right? Well, you’re wrong because that’s what’s happening here with Rainbow Mustaches. As far as this report is concerned, Rainbow Mustaches succeed in every way possible. Our bag was filled to the brim with mostly completed mustaches in a variety of styles and they were as rainbow-colored as you could imagine. A couple of mustaches were incomplete and we think we tasted part of a goatee and some sideburns that were trying to be passed off as mustaches, but all in all they weren’t too overpowering or annoying. Refreshing and even a bit trendy, Rainbow Mustaches should have no trouble flying off the shelves and into the stomachs and hearts of small children across the world.
Rating: 10 out of 10 Professional Richard Gere Look-A-Likes.

Wacky Waxies – Take an average jelly bean, coat it with wax, somehow suck out all of the jelly bean within the wax, and then fill up the leftover waxy shell with more wax. This is what a Wacky Waxy is like. Neither crunchy nor gooey, just crumbly and greasy – these candies are quite a disappointment indeed. With flavors such as “poached egg,” “Vaseline,” “guts,” and “purple,” we thought we couldn’t go wrong with these, but boy did we go wrong! The only redeeming quality about Wacky Waxies is that they go down surprisingly quick and easy, especially once you discover that you can just swallow them whole instead of trying to chew them up. This also helps you avoid the Waxies’ waxy taste. After eating half a bag, your colon will have about 2 pounds of undigested material in it, which might threaten your health and your ability to find a date. But if you really really enjoy the things that taste gross in your mouth, feel gross in your stomach, and look even more gross when you finally crap it out, then you’ll be in heaven with Wacky Waxies.
Rating: 5 dinosaur eggs out of 200 bowling balls.

Yucky Yum-Yum Patties – The worst-tasting thing in the world tastes better than Yucky Yum-Yum Patties. We will not even go into the ingredients of these shitty aberrations against nature and good taste. Just take our word for it and don’t make us discuss them any further. Please help us in our campaign of buying and burning of every single Yucky Yum-Yum Patty in the world.
Rating: -16 television sets out of 8,000 Best Buy Superstores.

Bitter & Creamy Mayonnaise Balls – The only candy that claims to be both “great in a Caesar Salad” and “a fun way to spice up ordinary ice cream,” Bitter and Creamy Mayonnaise Balls are some of the strangest things we’ve ever put in our mouths. Actually, none of us could work up the nerve to put them anywhere near our faces, but we did throw some at our office’s ceiling and at a bus full of retarded children. All we know is that they look like regurgitated globules of tapeworms, they smell like rotten tuna fish, and they adhere well to the flesh of slobbering simpletons. We suspect that they taste like slime, vomit, a festering wound, or all three mixed together. The only way Bitter and Creamy Mayonnaise Balls will last is if its manufacturers start marketing it to starving Third World inhabitants or the British, both of whom will gladly eat anything regardless of how it tastes, looks, smells, or makes them feel.
Rating: 14 out of 60 unshaven, virginal goats.

Surecon’s Papey Wafeys – Tiny wafers made out of multi-colored construction paper - that’s pretty much the concept behind Papey Wafeys, one of the most delicious and unique items to hit the market since Badly Burnt Toast Bites. These crispy little wafer treats are so versatile - you can pop them in your mouth one-by-one, dunk them in your coffee, or drop them on the ground and then eat them with your toes. Got a quick note to jot down? Well, grab a box of Surecon’s Jelly-Filled Ink Pens, scribble your note down on a Papey Wafey, and then gobble the note right up as quick as you like. They’re totally portable, able to fit in the side pocket of any model of Trapper Keeper. Each and every wafer, regardless of its color, has the same uniform taste of fresh pine chips so you can share with your friends and nobody will feel like they’ve been given the least desirable flavors. The worst thing about this candy was finding the bag empty after only five minutes. Also, almost every wafer gave us splinters in our tongues and throats. And we’ve also all been shitting blood ever since.
Rating: 100,000 dead Iraqi soldiers out of 100,000 live Iraqi soldiers.

Chocolate-Covered Poo – This Mexican guy named Hermilio in the back of a van sold this one to us for only a nickel. The second we unwrapped this candy from its paper towel packaging, we were amazed that it looked and smelled so good. Then we made the mistake of biting into it. Beneath the candy’s semi-sweet chocolate coating lay a healthy log of semi-sweet human fecal matter. The taste was exactly like what you’d think poopoo tastes like. The pungent aroma immediately triggered gags across the entire room. Our neighbor's dog, who usually loves eating the poopoo we toss at him on a regular basis, refused to even look at this poopoo/chocolate nightmare. Shame on the creators of this candy bar and shame on you for reading this review.
Rating: 0 Nintendo Power Glove-compatible games out of 2 Sega Game Gears.

Poo-Covered Chocolate – All we can say bout Poo-Covered Chocolate is this – AMAZING! When we returned to Hermilio the Mexican to get a refund for the Chocolate-Covered Poo, he gave us this one for free. We were just happy to get anything that could rinse the awful taste of human excrement and mediocre chocolate from our mouths. Upon opening its wrapper, which was an old shoebox, we found what looked like any average lumpy, sizeable bowel movement. However, deep beneath the layer of poopoo lay a creamy genuine Belgian chocolate filling. Of course, we scraped out all of this chocolate and threw it in the garbage so we could enjoy the outer covering of rancid feces. And luckily, whoever made this candy bar wasn’t skimpy on the poopoo and there was enough to go around for everybody (and even a little left over for later in the night). If you hate chocolate and love poo, or if you hate poo and you love chocolate, then you should definitely get your grubby fingers dirty with this zesty new creation from Hermilio the Dirty, Diseased, Drug-Dealing Mexican.
Rating: 10 Palm Pilots out of 1 Chalkboard.

Fruity Almond Butter Marshmallow Toffee Coffee Coconut Honey Peppermint Caramel Bubblegum White Fudge Lollipops – We could never figure out how to eat this one, so instead, we took up whatever arms we could muster and engaged it in mortal combat. After a few well-aimed stabs with the Sword of Might, a charged Arrow of Binding, and a Level 3 Lightning Bolt, the Fruity Almond Butter Marshmallow Toffee Coffee Coconut Honey Peppermint Caramel Bubblegum White Fudge Lollipops was vanquished once and for all. Our candy-testing quest finally at its end, we then chopped off the beast’s head and hung it from our ship’s bow for all the world to see. Unfortunately, the world wasn’t paying attention to what we were doing or whose head we had hanging from our bow and our sail home was rather uneventful.
Rating: 9 million Sacagawea gold dollars out of 13 million paper dollars.

So that’s the end of our candy report. When some new candy comes out and once we are fully recovered and can eat solid foods again, we’ll do another report just like this one. Until then, check out our other reports, which will cover many varied subjects like magazines, the Sunday comics, music, movies, books, dog foods, artificial teeth cleaners, things, stuff, and other assorted items.

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