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The Great Blackout of 2003 Report
If
you were in any of the cities* that experienced a blackout last week,
you probably missed out on all the hot hot hot news that happened in
the world. Luckily for you, the crack reporting team at Studio 8 is
here with a quick** summary of all that happened while the lights were
out.
World
- Arnold
Schwarzenegger announced that he was going to do something, but we
didn’t catch what it exactly was. It may have something to do with
filming Jurassic Park 6, or Chucky vs. Halloween. Who
knows?
- A gay
bishop was elected mayor of the Pope’s hometown and stupid people all
over the world are really really mad about it and refused to go see
the movie Gigli. All of this inspired the Pope somehow and he
managed to lift his right hand. A bunch of Catholic people thought
this was pretty cool. He’s been asleep ever since, though.
-
Some cameraman dude hid some grenades in his camera and then got shot
because he was pretending like the grenades weren’t there. Reuters was
the first to break this story, too, and they were proud of that.
Sports
- In
addition to being charged with sexual assault, Kobe Bryant was also
caught charging his cell phone without a permit, was charged with
10,000 volts of electricity, charged his sexual assault charges on his
credit card, got called for charging in a street ball game, and smiled
when the new sitcom entitled Kobe Bryant in Charge was
announced. The show will not star Kobe Bryant.
- Lance
Somebody won some sort of bike race.
- The NFL
kicked off another season, with half the teams winning and the other
half losing.
- A man
who plays golf really well (we think it was WWE superstar Shawn
Michaels) won the biggest golf tournament of the
year. We’re still trying to find someone who watched this so we can
find out why golf exists anymore.
Entertainment
- Gary
Coleman and Mariah Carey took some pictures together and some people
now think that they should get voted into the US Senate, which would
make history because it would be the first time that a half-black
woman and half a black man would be allowed to enter Washington DC.
- Ben
Affleck was accused of performing oral sex with some stripper girl,
but he was really just acting sweet for a little while so he could
trick her into performing oral sex on him.
- Matt
Damon changed his name to Matt Demon, but then changed it back to Matt
Damon after realizing that Daredevil has already been filmed and that
the movie is called Daredevil and not Daredemon.
Weather
- The
weather all week was pretty much like it is right now. Depending on where you live, what’s going on outside,
and what your local weatherman told you this morning, that might be good, or it might be bad.
It feels hot to me right now, though. Must be these pants.
Business
- Some
stocks went up in price.
- Some stocks went down
in price.
- Some
stocks stayed at just about the same price.
- People
made and lost money because of the stocks moving up and down.
Lifestyle
- A few
interesting activities took place in the community: Esther finally
found that
rose bush she lost last Christmas. Gordon upset the new baby with his
funny-looking false teeth trick. Darrel and Sarah tried out that new
bagel shop down the street and saw a cockroach in the water fountain
there. And before I forget, Paul told me to tell you that he lost his
wallet in the couch yesterday.
-
Scientists revealed that gay people are learning how to reproduce and
the rest of us are in big trouble now.
- A
massive blackout interrupted life in a few cities up north. It was no
big deal, but all the people up there whined a lot about it.
*
Below are the cities affected by the blackout: |
