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Special Report Ah, May....a month known for budding blossoms, Mother's Day, and graduating from educational institutions. But those things are lame, so we at Studio 8 are changing the way you view your world and your 30-day time allocations.
We think the month of May needs some spice. Some spunk. Some
blood. You know, the ingredients of any good pornographic movie. That's why we're declaring the month of May as "Volunteer Police Duty Month." For the next 4 weeks of your life, we want you to strap on a nightstick, lube up your homemade police cruiser, and become a real-life Citizen on Patrol. A more accurate name for this would be "Pretend You're a Policeman Month," but for all intents and purposes (especially if a real cop asks what you're doing), you should say that you're merely another innocent participant in "Volunteer Police Duty Month." Anyone can volunteer, as long as they:
- Are at least 18 months old (mentally). So quit your job (if you have one), roll up your pant-legs (if you wear them), and get ready to rub gun butts with your hometown's finest uniformed workforce (no, we're not talking about your football team or high school janitorial staff). What you get:
No one volunteers for free, idiot. That's the whole point of
volunteering - to get free shit. Throughout this month, you are
guaranteed to receive:
- About 15 curdled pounds of sugary, preservative-ridden lard on your ass. - New skills and abilities such as inconspicuous cat-napping, advanced tactical loafing, and premature gun-drawing and re-holstering. What you need: Do you want to be the laughing-stock of the entire police force? Unless you're filming the forthcoming pointless re-make of Police Academy, then no, you sure don't! So you're going to need the latest crime-fighting weaponry and mystery-solving equipment on the market, such as:
What you might do: No matter where you live, the streets are ugly and dangerous. Following are some scenarios you will likely encounter, along with their secret police scanner codes that you have to say to feel cool: 1. Subject refuses to calm down - CODE 343
When left to their own whimsical impulses, cows will roam wherever
they please - the master bedroom, the gazebo, the attic. Until
people learn to properly chain up or permanently disable their
cattle, police forces everywhere will have to deal with this on a
daily basis.
3.
Subject's neighbors refuse to shut their back door - CODE 1287
Code 1287's happen frequently in neighborhoods, where neighbors are
likely to be situated within viewing or hollering distance of one
another. Haphazardly ajar back doors can lead to burglary, unwanted
pregnancies, and wandering bovine-related crimes. 4. Subject believes they are the offspring of the Anti-Christ - CODE 666
Everybody knows the Anti-Christ can't have kids. He's too busy mapping
out the Battle of Armageddon and designing a cool logo for the Mark
of the Beast. Plus, is it written anywhere in the Bible to, "Beware
the unholy child of the Anti-Christ?" Perhaps it is, but none of
that shit was in the straight-to-DVD Left Behind movie
series, starring Kirk Cameron, so don't worry about it. 5. Subject is of a different racial background than yourself and appears successful- CODE 914
Hopefully, your month as a volunteer policeman will be more action-packed and enjoyable than May of last year, which we declared "Volunteer Accounting Clerk Month." If it's not, you are a worthless human being with no future and you should enroll in the nearest police academy.
This feature written by
Brock. |
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"Make Money by Falling Down Month"
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Sometimes in the middle of even the most routine arrests or
investigations, especially if the subject is being wrongfully
accused or unfairly beaten, a person will become excited and unruly.
If not handled properly, a simple raising of the voice or flailing
of the arms can quickly escalate into lording of the flies or silencing of
the lambs. 
This
type of unacceptable behavior is becoming more and more frequent as
the popular concept of civil rights continues to spread itself
around like herpes among the homeless. Some people need to be put in
their place. America is not the land of opportunity. It's the land
of insensitivity and inequality. And cheeseburgers.
