General
summertime tips
To get the safest tan possible, lay out at night and
sleep during the day, like an owl. Coat your body in the richest
tanning oil you can find and sleep on the roof of your house.
Burn your lawn because grass grows fastest in
the summer.
If you get cold, drop your drawers, apply a generous amount of cooking
oil to your genitals, and stand outside under a big magnifying glass.
This also cures pinworms.
Visit a local gun shop or pharmacy.
Summer is prime time for suicides!
Rip out all the pages of your calendar that feature the months of May
through September so you
won't know when summer starts or ends.
Stalk
a family that has an unappreciative and spoiled child in it. Follow them when they head
into
one of the many shitty beach shops. From behind the sunglasses rack,
watch
as the child throws a tantrum about purchasing an expensive inflatable beach
toy. Follow the family back to the beach and stab the beach toy with a machete the
first chance you get. If you can kidnap the child, do
that, too.
If anyone close to you dies, bury them in a "sand coffin" or tie them to
a jet ski and drive them around a popular beach area, screaming things like, "Whoooooo!"
To avoid overheating, stay inside and eat Hot Pockets and watch
television reruns. Oh, and don't talk to anybody.
Paint a huge banner that reads, "Happy Summer 2002!!!" It is
not important that the year 2002 may have already passed. What's
important is that people know that you're wishing them a happy summer.
Start up a lawn-mowing business and instead of
mowing peoples' grass, steal objects from their yard, such as barbeque
pits, mail, lawn chairs, bikes, car keys, pets, election signs, and
sports cars (if possible).
Things
to keep in mind all summer long
Don't eat
any food. Instead, secretly tote it in your pocket over to a big
burlap sack,
where you should store it for when the hard winter comes.
All girls named Summer are way slutty. This means that they will hook
up with anybody, any time, no matter what. You should try to meet as
many Summers as possible. If your name is Summer, you should try to be
even sluttier than you normally are.
Don't die.
Just because you throw buckets of ice out of your window a few times
each day does not mean you have the power to make it snow during the
summertime.
Angels can't find you during the summertime. Demons can. Run.
Summer is a time for everybody to rest up. Quit your job, tell your
friends and family to hit the road, take a few handfuls of downers,
and get some good fucking sleep, man.
Whatever happens in the summer stays in the summer. This means you
aren't required to remember or take responsibility for anything you do
during the summer.
Dangerous animals to avoid throughout
the summer
- beached whales
- chained-up dogs that might be rabid
- shrimp
- scrimps
- diarrhea monsters
- turtles being dropped out of airplanes
- animals that kill people
- retarded children
- fatties
Fun summertime games to play
"Touch the Bottom of
the Ocean"
Self-explanatory. Bonus points for building
a sand castle on the ocean floor and taking a nap in it.
"Who Can Eat the Most Sand?"
In this game, nothing else can be swallowed except for
sand. After the first round, each contestant will be given one pint of
salt water to consume.
"Throw a Jellyfish at Mommie"
Mom might not like this game, but who can blame her?
The winner is the person who gets Mom to say a curse word. If Mom
already does this a lot, the winner is the first person to get Mom to
flash her titties at you in anger. Bonus points if Mommie is highly
allergic to jellyfish poison.
"See Who Can Withstand the Most
Pain for the Longest Period of Time"
One person inflicts the maximum amount of pain upon all the other
contestants. Whoever cries, flinches, screams out in agony, tries to
quit playing, or dies is automatically disqualified. The winner
receives a fruit basket and a Wedge-From-Hell.
The best ways to get that hottie you've been eyeing all summer
Give him or
her a large bag full of money.
Forcefully ask
the person if they will be yours.
Construct an
impressive-looking robot and then instruct the robot to walk off a
cliff while holding your hottie crush so you will be able to save them
just in the nick of time. This tactic doesn't always work out as
nicely as it perhaps should...
Hold your breath until you pass out. Then, take
a photograph of your unconscious self and send it to your hottie crush
via one of those anonymous e-mailing services.
Sacrifice some sort of domesticated mammal in front of a 24-hour
convenience store, praying a solemn prayer to the long-dead Gods of
Prepackaged Creme-Filled Confectionary Treats.
Take someone else out on a romantic date and
then pretend that they are your hottie crush. Then pretend that your
hottie crush really really likes you and wants you to come over every
night from now on. Now stop pretending that your date is your hottie
crush and head on over to your hottie crush's place for some action.
Most
commonly neglected places to put sun screen
- The inside lining of the cervix
- Toenails (underneath)
- Under the nose (unless protected heavily by nose
hair)
- Shoulders
- Toenails (on top)
- The shadowy side of the titty
- The glossary pages of your parents' high school yearbooks
- Toenails (clippings)
- In that tasty, yet UV ray-infested bowl of macaroni and cheese
you're eating
Books to inspire summer inspiration
Why I Wanted to Die in the Summer
This sometimes scary, often romantic novel
should be at the top of your summer reading list. If it is not, then
you should not be breathing right now. As a matter of fact, if you
read this book, you will understand why none of us should be breathing
right now. Dying in the summer is sad, but fun; exhilarating, yet not
fun; gorgeous, yet indestructible! Let's all be happy that we've
either read or not read this book and then move on with our lives.
Give me Sum-more!
Full of puns, subtle tricks, and all sorts of neat wordplay, this novel
is not so much a novel, but more of a huge list of joke after joke -
all relating to the glorious time of summer in some weird or wacky
way! If there is anything funny of fun about summer, you will find it
here and you will definitely be left asking for "some more!"
The Three Basic Summertime Tools: Love, Technology,
& Water
This book teaches everyone through several
in-depth pie charts how love, technology,
and water can be used to enrich the lives of friends and loved ones
all over the world.
It also lightly discusses how love, technology, and water might be
misused to seriously hurt people, briefly mentioning a few ways that
love, technology, and water might one day bring about the end of the
world as we know it if we don't figure out some way to get rid of
love, technology, and water.
The Bible
Somebody a long time ago wrote this long, boring story
about a bunch of men who did a bunch of stuff that they thought was
really cool and important. Luckily, that is not this book! A good,
quick read that should last about half an afternoon or so.
How to Become the President of Summer
Anyone who wants to become the President of
Summer should read this how-to book. However, not everyone should read
this book, or else everyone would try to become the President of
Summer! As a matter of principal, only one person should read this
book, and that person better be prepared to carry out his or her
duties as the President of Summer to the best of his or her abilities.
Corn is King: The History of the Birth of the Summer's
Hottest Food, Corn
Corn is used as currency in some countries, such as
America, The New England Colonies, and The New World. If you want to
know why corn is so important and where corn actually came from in the
first place, you should not read this book. Instead, read King Corn:
Corn, The Summer's Hottest Food's Birth's History.
