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Special Report What's more important around Halloween time: costumes, candy, or pranks? That's a stupid question and we refuse to answer it. However, in an attempt to be funny and/or entertaining, we will offer you a bunch of ridiculous and impossible tips that would not make your Halloween one bit more pleasant or fun this year. You may also notice that the title of this report is the "Halloween in Hell Report." As the name implies, a few dedicated (and dead) Studio 8 employees wrote this report while in Hell and had it sent to the Land of the Living (Earth). Why? Because they had nothing better to do. Apparently, Hell is very boring - just a huge plain white room with no windows or doors or walls. Just white, white, white as far as the eye can see. Actually, that might be the description of Heaven. Some of our employees went to Heaven and some went to Hell. I always get them confused. Anyway, please don't follow or read any of the below Halloween tips that cover Halloween costumes, candy, and pranks. Halloween Costumes: - Extend the life of your Halloween costume by wearing it only once every year, DURING HALLOWEEN!
- If members of your family ask you for costume advice, tell your mom
to be 'a bitch', your little brother to be 'a faggot', your older
sister to be 'a slut', and your father to be 'an asshole'. If they
don't come to you for advice, keep the above feelings bottled inside
until that one sweet day when you can
- Mistake an infant wearing a pumpkin for a real pumpkin and carve it
up like one. - Thanks to M. Dumpy of Carolyn, OH for this tip: If you want to dress up as a "Fatty" for Halloween this year, start stuffing your face with greasy cheeseburgers six months ahead of time. Watch lots of television. Stop moving around as much. In no time, you'll have the perfect costume. Be sure to wear tight, thin clothing to showcase all of your hard work! Halloween Candy: - For a delicious dessert drink, take a 16 oz. bowl and fill it with the following: 2 oz. of Smirnoff Ice (XXX Black), 2 scoops of sour cream, and 18 oz. of sweet and sour mix. Cut off the limp penis of a nearby human or animal and garnish the penis hole with some garnish and dunk the penis into the above bowl. This yummy drink is called a "Hallo-Weenie!"
- Forgetting to purchase candy for the neighborhood kids is the pits. Remembering to purchase candy for them, but then forcing every child to play you in Trivial Pursuit before they can have any of the candy is not the pits. It's way cool! - Here's an old family trick: Rinse your mouth with 14 oz. of superglue. Tilt your head back and sprinkle a few handfuls of candy corn in. Then top it all off with a hot fudge glaze. Now you've got a 'ghoulish' delight that looks cool and tastes even cooler! - An oh-so-yummy treat that doubles as a fun costume? Popsicles! Place hundreds of multi-colored popsicles into plastic baggies, staple the baggies together, and then arrange the baggies into a "suit" for you to wear. People will think you're the 'Popsicle Lady' or 'Mr. Popsicle', depending on your gender, your popsicle/baggy configuration, and whether or not the people are blind.
- Take off your pants and perch inside of a tree with a candy bowl
underneath. Put a sign on the bowl that says, "Out of town - please
take only one." Every kid who takes more than one or holds up the line
for more than 5 seconds deserves for you to drop a little poopoo on
their head. If you run out of poopoo, you may use vomit. This tip
comes from an insane drunkard found sleeping under a bridge in New
Jersey. Halloween Pranks: - Planting marijuana plants near your front door is a great tool for attracting trick-or-treaters, especially trick-or-treaters wearing policeman costumes. Be sure to give the little devils a real scare by yelling through the door that you've got a gun and they'll never take you alive!
- If some punks light up some dog poo in a bag and put it on your door step, show them who's boss and just let that bitch burn. - For a lighthearted prank, dress up like a turkey. When people ask you about your costume, ignore them and make barking noises. Next month on Thanksgiving Day, put on the same turkey outfit and stare into your friend's window as they enjoy their meal. When they spot you, hold up a sign that says, "See? I told you." If anyone out there has made it to the end of this report without dying, we would like to congratulate you. The only way we know how to properly congratulate you, though, is by giving you some candy and treats if you come by our house on Halloween night. We promise not to stab you or throw molten lead on you if you come. Actually, we can't promise that exactly, but we do promise to think twice about doing it before we do it. Or maybe not. If we think twice about it, there's a chance that you could escape unscathed. Yeah, we're definitely going to stab you and pour lead on you if you show up over here. Happy Halloween! This feature written by Brock. Back to Online Main |
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- Halloween Tips (2002) - Killer Candy Not A Choke for Some Kids - Skeleton Man Solves Another Case
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make them all pay...
- If
some stupid lady hands you anything besides candy while
trick-or-treating, head straight to the grocery store and purchase as
many bags of candy as you can. Every day for the rest of your life,
stand in front of her house eating that candy. This will teach her a
lesson about love and forgiveness, maybe.
- Special
thanks to R. Robert Robertson in Tamsley Park, MI: When microwaving a
bowl of frozen grapes, place the bowl inside of a microwave-proof
titanium box. No more melted, exploded, or warm grapes! The kiddies
will think that they're touching frozen human eyeballs with grape
seeds in them!
