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Special Report December is a grand month that contains many memorable and/or disgusting events. That is why the Month Appreciation Society has formally declared December to forever be known as "December Awareness Month." Throughout December, all Americans are encouraged to become more aware of December and the many days that it includes. Non-Americans are encouraged to hang their heads in shame that they are not Americans, though they should still strive to be just as aware of December as the Americans surely will be. In case any of our readers have forgotten why they should look forward to the next thirty-one days of their lives, we at Studio 8 have created a list of all or at least some of the things that may or may not happen throughout December. If we have forgotten a day, drop us a line and we will add your suggestion to the growing pile of reader suggestions that we burn to keep ourselves warm in the summertime. 1 - The beginning of December will be pushed back 4 extra days in order for it to mature to adulthood. 2 – Running to the general store for hamburger buns will turn out to be the most meaningful thing you’ve done all year. 3 - You will come within inches of realizing that the dog has been sneaking into the kitchen and pampering herself to death while you remain stone cold asleep in your comfortable bed. 4 - Just 45 more days until the release of the infamous criminal Jose Bacterialess, the father figure of modern youth. 5 - Digiorno’s will release a pizza recipe so delicious, it will crush your jawbone the second you sink your precious teeth into it. 6 - You’ll discover that the reason you’re waking up with those warts on your rectum is because there’s a sick rectum-snatcher loose somewhere in your house. 7 - Socks the Cat on Sega Genesis will be re-released for the Sega Game Gear, which is no longer in production. 8 - Remind your friends and co-workers that the dimensions to any house built in the latter part of this year are always 4 x 4 x 4. 9 - Your older sister will teach you how to take off a bra and then reveal to you that she has a shiny $10 bill comfortably nuzzled in between her voluptuous titties. 10 - Remember that any woman caught bleeding from the vaginal area during this month will be turned over to collection authorities, who will then take the fluid and sell it for cheap on the black market. 11 - A dirty-looking middle-aged man will gather every drop of feces from every dog in your neighborhood and bake a cake. This cake will not contain any of the feces that the man recently collected. 12 - Those of you with children will lose 45% of them. 13 - You will probably lose a portion of your scrotum in a freakish printer/scanner/copier machine-related accident. 14 - Decemberish tokens will replace all monetary systems until January, when they will become void, causing worldwide economies to be crushed like spoiled beetles. 15 - Dr. Aaron Glovedude, a rich and cocky man from Detroit, will purchase his son a Super Mario Brothers 3 Strategy Guide. His son will somehow use the book to kill himself because he hates his father. 16 - “Alyson M. Gonzalez” is to be heard on the lips of every woman making love in a dumpster from now until December 21, 2003. 17 - A 7-inch shard of glass will be conveniently placed in the mouths of every baby who dares to shed a tear in public. The glass will be made out of cheddar cheese, though, which will not slice the infants’ organs, but rather will slowly choke them to death. 18 - You will sigh when you recall that during each night this month, the laws of gravity will dissolve whenever you are using the bathroom (urinating only), causing yellowed, though sometimes clear, piss to mix into your eyes and hair. 19 - You will win a contest that lets you meet your favorite movie star. The movie star will tie you face-first to a cactus and give you a walloping tickle torture, which is your biggest fear. 20 - The famous fetus folk dancer, Jessica Dheep, will perform in three shows this month, in which her prehensile tail will begin to shorten and her nubby leg growths will finally form her first digits. 21 - You will receive in the mail a coupon for a free dessert of your choice at your neighborhood market. Upon approaching the front door, a 17-foot grizzly bear will rip your head off and eat it. 22 - Your penis will become blackened with tar build-up. If you do not own a penis, you are encouraged to buy one. A 17-foot grizzly bear will be selling them throughout the major cities of the world. 23 - Shock Fest 2002 will provide you with the greatest shocks of your life, including the one that you are not reading this right now, fucker. 24 - Travis will admit to you how he tricked you into touching his butthole last Saturday night over a cool Natural Light and a sack of baked beans. Note: It’s Miller Time! 25 – 2% of you who are reading this will commit suicide. The other 98% will either blindly celebrate American consumerism or carry out the ridiculous traditions of an outdated religion. 26 – Clean-up Day! That’s right, it’s the day that the entire world sets aside to cleaning the streets of vagrants. Load your shotgun, pack a fancy picnic basket, and hit the streets. Don’t forget to bring a shovel! 27 – Some will cherish this day, others will curse it. You will know which to do because you hold the magical stone in your left kidney. 28 – Your attempts to open up your own distillery will briefly be put on hold when you realize that a distillery is not an abortion clinic. 29 – Like everyone else in Madagascar, you will freak out when the CEO of Greg’s Hair Salon announces that the world is suffering from an extreme iron shortage. 30 – The long, wistful looks that a good lap-cat gives you when it is being petted will pale in comparison to the long, wistful looks that your senile grandfather will give you when you scrape the crusty bunions from his rancid feet. 31 – When your friends tell you that they have no intentions of killing you for your secret stash of used Pixie-Stix containers, you’ll almost believe them, but you should still buy a stun gun and change the location of the stash, anyway.
This feature written by
Brock. |
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