The people of ancient Egypt created the month of December for one reason: To provide a permanent place for a new holiday named "Christmas." Of course, Christmas was created for one reason, as well: To trick Egypt's foolish enemies into thinking that they had to spend all of their hard-earned money on useless presents for one another.

Unfortunately, the Egyptians' plan worked too well and pretty soon everyone, including the Egyptians, was trampling each other, mindlessly buying up the season's hottest over-hyped household items and must-have office trinkets while stomping the life out of the very person they were buying the gifts for.

People were smooshed. Stores were stripped of their worthless inventories. Presents were unwrapped. Presents were returned and exchanged. Stores were filled back up with worthless inventory. People were smooshed again in the ensuing rush.

Since then, December has been a month of both tragedy and celebration. This December, Studio 8 is celebrating the tragedy of Christmastime shopping casualties by making December "Make Money By Falling Down Month"! By doing this, we hope to teach people that just because they have been pushed down, bitten, and trampled by a mob of people while scrambling in a Wal-Mart for a heavily marked-down Salad Shooter Jr., it doesn't mean that they can't sue the pants off everyone who ever stepped foot in that Wal-Mart's parking lot. Below are some tips to remember when doing this, a few horror stories from seasoned "fallers," and also some pictures of this year's most desirable injuries.

Tips for earning a living by falling down in stores:

- Before you fall, you need to wisely choose a "Fall Spot." This is where you will be inattentively walking or running when you slip. Carefully place pillows or mounds of cotton around the area to minimize the damage to parts of your body that you don't want injured, like your head, genitalia, or pancreas.

- If you find a good Fall Spot, but there is nothing to slip on, you need to provide that material. Some good slippery materials include: grease, melted wax (cold), super glue, chocolate, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray, ivy green lipstick, banana pudding, liquid plutonium, melted wax (hot), and a mixture of human blood and dog saliva.

- Make sure that somebody is there to witness your fall. This might mean that you need to find an employee or hire a homeless person to follow you to your designated Fall Spot to watch you "accidentally" slip. If you are technologically inclined, get a friend or relative to follow you around with a video camera. Digital effects may be added later to make your accident more devastating.
NOTE: If you've forgotten the witness, but you've already fallen, you can serve as your own witness. Don't let the judge and lawyers tell you any differently, especially if you are also serving as your own lawyer.

- AFTER you slip, but BEFORE you fall, flail your arms wildly and scream out, "Whoa! Wha-Whoa!" This not only alerts everyone that you are about to come crashing to the cruel, hard ground, but it also makes your fall more dramatic, evoking more sympathy, and more importantly, more money.

- When you hit the ground, void your bowels into your pants. This won't help you in any way, but it won't hurt you either. Well, it's disgusting and might lead to an infection. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Babies can do it, why can't we?

- If you're planning on slipping and suing just one store over and over, it's a good idea to change your last name frequently so no one will recognize you and catch on to your scheme. Some good last names to use include: Canolli, Fingerus, von Samiss, Smith, Pantsmaker, Splat, and Cornbird.

- If you find a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign in the vicinity of your fall, place the sign in your shopping cart. People will think that you were purchasing it and had no idea that the floor posed a falling hazard.

- A really cool stunt would be if you could slip and fall, then have your shopping cart fly in and flip on top of you, and then make a heavy package fall on you while you're on the ground. Man, if you could get some kind of live poisonous animal and some exploding fireworks in there, that would look cool, too.

- When and if your case is brought to court, wear as many braces, bandages, and prosthetic limbs as you can afford. The winnings from your first few falling lawsuits should be used to purchase all of this equipment. You might also consider attending physical therapy school and getting your PhD so you can "diagnose" your own injuries. More credibility, more moo-lah.

Tragic memories from those who have fallen:

Your face has become permanently twisted

This can happen by smearing nitric acid on your face and then rubbing your head on a carpet for a few hours. Since this sort of accident rarely happens, people who want this sort of injury will have the best luck at a Home Depot or Lowe's Hardware Store. A sure-fire tactic is to perform the above operation at home and then go to the store wearing a mask.

Pain Factor: 8

You have a mustache where there simply wasn't one before

A number of things can bring about an unwanted mustache - sloppy store aisles, hormonal imbalances, misplaced Chia seeds. Regardless of the cause, you deserve to be paid for bearing any mustache that you don't want. The courts always side with people who have been disfigured with mustaches. We're talking Canadian courts here, by the way, and Canadian money, too.

Pain Factor: 1

You are old

One minute you're scanning your Christmas shopping list and trying to find a curling iron for less than a dollar, the next minute you're a balding, liver-spotted, hunch-backed old coot and you can barely remember where you are, much less hold the contents of your bladder inside of your feeble body. Nobody should be subjected to live the life of an old person before it's their time to do so. If you're old now and you feel that it is the Walgreen's Corporation's responsibility, you could be making MILLIONS. Pick up the phone, if you have the strength, and call a lawyer, if you can remember how to do that.

Pain Factor: 6


You smile more often than you used to
Picture this: Your friends and family start noticing a change in your attitude and demeanor. You're happier, more attractive, and look fresher than ever. Why? Because you slipped in some kid's vomit at a 7-11 and dislocated your spine from your pelvis. You're a better person now, but it's not your fault. Don't let that fat-cat corporation make money while you're strutting around, whistling cheery tunes...and suffering. It's time the 7-11 Board of Directors slipped and fell for a change!

Pain Factor: 0

You entered the store as a bald overweight man and left as a spunky young girl

Unless he is a lonely and depressed pedophile, this kind of injury can be devastating to a man. Aside from having to rebuild his wardrobe from scratch, men who are transformed into little girls have to learn how to get used to peeing while sitting down. Bottom line - $$$!

Pain Factor: 10

So there you have it, people-WHOA! Ouch! Who left that puddle of cooking oil under my chair? I can no longer feel the sensitive area between my nutsack and my butthole! How can I make a living now? I'm going to have to get an actual job now, instead of modeling women's panties on internet fetish sites for free! I'm screwed! Later to this report, later to this website, and later to me!