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Special Report Now that August has arrived, everyone finally has the chance to get some rest and relaxation and celebrate the fact that there’s NO MORE SCHOOL! That’s why Studio8.net has officially declared August as “No More School Month!” To celebrate this pointless declaration, the pricks over at Studio 8 Entertainment locked themselves away (closed the front door) in their headquarters (their crappy apartment) and threw away the key (put it on a nearby countertop) so they could bring you the following page on this website.
Hey, lighten up, you son of a bitch! It’s August and that means school
is OUT FOR GOOD! - Summer is all about water, beaches, oceans, and pools. So spend as much time as possible in your local library learning everything you can about these things. And don’t be shy about sharing your newfound smarts when you're done. You can be a “fountain” of knowledge, you know! - Powerade and Gatorade are both drinks that replenish your body with vital fluids that you lose when you sweat. It works the other way, too. When your bottles of Gatorade and Powerade are empty, just refill them with the sweat from your body. - Watch MTV from the moment you wake up until the moment you fall asleep, vigilantly waiting for another Real World or Road Rules marathon so you can watch every episode of the most recent season in one uninterrupted block. When this happens, take some illegal ephedrine tablets and scribble down all the season’s hottest moments in a notebook so you can share them with your friends at the lunch table next semester. - Eat as much as you can, quickly following every bite that you take with a small yet satisfying burp. - Sleep on your side so everything you just learned in school can leak out of the side of your head. Although this won’t really happen, pretend it will and say lots of stupid jokes to your friends and family, such as: "What's worse than regular school? SUMMER SCHOOL!" "Why did the dog go to school? Because he had to BURY A BONE there! "A school walks into a bar and the bartender asks why it's there. The school looks around the room, takes a sip of someone else's beer, and replies, "If you were full of kids every day like i am, YOU'D BE IN HERE, TOO!" - School supplies can be such a drag to buy. Remember that. - For a fun, cheap, and easy way to pass a summer day away, wake up very early and dress up as if you were going to school. Then wake your parents up and beg them to drive you to school. Don't forget your book satchel and bag lunch! Once you arrive at the empty and quiet school building, wave goodbye to your parents and pretend that you are the new kid in a strange and violent inner-city school. Throughout the course of the day, beat yourself up, steal your own snack money, and vomit on your shoes. When you arrive home a penniless bloody mess, your parents will appreciate you more and they will feel crappy about making you go to that terrible school. - The best way to make money during this time is to invest all of your time, money, and effort into a lemonade stand. If your profits aren’t what you would like, then at least you have learned some sort of other lesson. - That summer reading list is not as exciting as what is on television. Give in. Preparing for the school bully - Although school is a LONG way away, you need to remember to be afraid of the same things you were afraid of when you finished school. This could or couldn’t be many things, but is definitely (probably) a school bully. Start wetting the bed every morning in anticipation of this monster. - Store
up all of your saliva and mucus in a big jar. When school starts next
semester, make a sandwich with some bread and the jar's contents. When
the school bully comes up and steals your sandwich, stand back and
watch the madness that will ensue. It will be gory and crazy
and maybe even funny! Regardless, you will be the school hero. - At the beginning of the summer, write a taunting letter to the school bully, threatening him or her that when school starts back up, you will be ready to put an end to his or her reign. Drink protein shakes and lift weights like a madman. Enroll in a martial arts class. Capture a deadly animal of some sort and train it to keep by your side and attack anyone who comes near you. A week before school starts, pack up all of your vital possessions, steal whatever money you can from your parents, and get the heck out of town. Stupid advice that has nothing to do with school being out for the summer - If you believe in ghosts, you should also believe in UFO's. Why the fuck not, you know? - Fat
people aren't trustworthy. - If you masturbate and you’re a girl, masturbate to this picture. à - Tugging on your earlobes makes your brain smaller. Wear earmuffs at all times. - The human pancreas can hold up to 15 ounces of unused motor oil or 12 ounces of used toothpaste. - There's only one way to defeat a 50-foot lobster/spider mutant. Once you find out how, tell me because that lobster spider thing keeps on killing me, man! - Sticks, glue, and cardboard - fun craft time supplies or cool things to shove up your nose? You decide.
This feature written by
Brock. |
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