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Sunday Comics Report #7 - Special Father's Day Edition!

For those of you who would like to read the Sunday comics in your local newspaper, but don’t have the time, energy, or will to do so, Studio 8 is providing you with the following report. It should be just as good as reading the comics yourself, but it will take only half the time. We also considered redrawing the comics for you, but that would take too much effort on our part. This will have to do for now.

In this week's comics, almost every strip celebrated Father's Day in some lame, boring way, so we're celebrating their celebrations by making fun of them.

Hi and Lois – The 3 kids spend their entire Father's Day taking their dad around to various places that he likes - the bowling alley, a greasy diner, and a few seedy strip joints. As they do these things, they don't talk, opting instead to communicate with pleasant smiles. When they get home from the day, the mom chastises her children for spending over $30 on the Father's Day outing. Meanwhile, the dad finds evidence that his wife has been sleeping with the AC repairman while they were out. For some reason, this gives him a painful erection and he thinks this might be the best Father's Day ever.

For Better or For Worse – In the middle of the night, Brian or Jared or Todd (the oldest son) wakes up to the sounds of his pregnant wife vomiting on his face. As he contemplates broaching the topic of abortion yet again, his 3-year-old child starts screaming because he shit in his pants days ago and rats and ants are crawling around in his crib. Bucky or Billy or Jeff, muttering to himself, starts bathing the baby in the kitchen sink while cooking osme chili for his fat, pukey wife. Just then, the phone rings and when he answers it, he hears his father screaming, "Sucker! Sucker!" So he hangs up the phone, puts the baby in the chili pot, and walks out of the house to start a new life elsewhere.

Peanuts – Although Jim Schulz, the man who draws Peanuts, has been dead for a few years, he arose from the grave one last time to ink this special Father's Day strip. Unfortunately, when he died, his talent died, too. So this strip was mostly a lot of squiggly lines, warped images, and what looked like a mixture of blood droplets, hair, and teeth. The end product wasn't so much funny as it was depressing and awful. It left me thinking about how much I don't want to die soon. However, word on the streets is that Mr. Schulz brought his dead father back to life to read this strip and he liked it. Both of these men need to die...again.

B.C. – The blond caveman tells the ugly, fat-tittied cavewoman to have a nice Father's Day, to which she replies by engulfing his entire skull with her meaty vaginal lips. Meanwhile, the wise old caveman retrieves a stone tablet from the sea that teaches him the "true meaning of Father's Day," which (for no reason whatsoever) involves Jesus dying on the cross and everyone pleading for forgiveness. Once again, the cavemen don't think it's strange that they're being pressured to be Christians millions of years before Jesus Christ was born.

Sherman's Lagoon – The shark asks the turtle why he should celebrate Father's Day if he ate his father years ago. The turtle is reading a book and isn't paying attention to the shark. The shark gets annoyed and smooshes the turtle's soft head a little bit with his fins. This makes the turtle slightly retarded and also eligible for Medicare. The shark stops hanging out with the turtle and befriends a gay octopus because he doesn't want the retarded turtle to drool on him anymore. In the last panel, the turtle screams, "Happy Father Christmas-Giving Day!"

Blondie – Blondie (the blond housewife) tells Danny or Beetle Bailey or whatever her husband's name is not to eat the delicious hamburgers that she just made for their church's Father's Day banquet. Well, what do you know, but that darn rascal does the exact opposite and he eats all 12 of them in one big old bite! Blondie gets mad, but wants to see what would happen if she were to place one of her breasts in between two hamburger buns. Dadgummit, that old fool eats her titty right off her body! Determined to fill up that darn scoundrel's bottomless tummy, Blondie repeats this process with her Encyclopedia Britannica collection, their old Buick, the state of Vermont, and eventually his own foot! Well, shit on a shingle, that blasted bumbling boob eats it all and just burps when he's done!

Curtis – Curtis and his little brother take an old pillow from the living room couch and glue a bunch of macaroni noodles on it, making it read, "Anybody can be a man, but only a man can be a dad." Then they tell their dad that they made the entire thing from scratch for Father's Day. Their father, drunk on cheap scotch believes them, but still beats them before bedtime for losing one of the couch's pillows. In one panel, the father yells, "Happy Father's Day," as he beats the living shit out of his two sons. The strip ends with a sappy shot of the mother crying herself to sleep because she married a monster.

Wizard of Id – To commemorate Father's Day, the midget king announces that every man (excluding himself) must insert his nose into his own father's anus. Immediately after saying this, the king begins to feel left out of the day's festivities and he looks around the castle for his son. Once he finds him, he gets confused and sticks his nose into his son's anus. The castle guards find him and try to arrest him for molesting the royal prince. However, the king has the guards arrest themselves for trying to arrest the royal king and the guards have to shackle themselves to the dungeon wall, which greatly angers their fathers because their sons don't get to stick their noses in their anuses on Father's Day like all the other daddies.

Zits – The teenager dude has saved up enough money from selling pot to buy a really cool bong for his dad's Father's Day present. Yet when he gives it to him, his dad accuses him of smoking pot. Thinking fast, the teenager lights up a fat doobie and gets his dad high enough to forget what they were talking about. The mom walks in and accuses them of smoking weed in the house and then she gets high, too, I think. I don't know, maybe that's what happened. I was really high when I read that strip and my dad was yelling at me for smoking pot with my mom and using his new bong I got him...

Apartment 3-G – For fuck's sake, can somebody please help these people find Apartment 3-G? Every time I read this strip they're staring right at the door that clearly says Apartment 3-G, but they're saying, "Where is it?" or "Hmmm, I cannot figure this mystery out!" In this day's strip, one of the characters was wearing a stupid-looking shirt that reads "Happy Father's Day to me!" and it caused me to cut him out of the newspaper like a paper doll and strangle him until I bled.

Garfield – Garfield was the only comic that didn't celebrate Father's Day in any way whatsoever. This is because 15 years ago, Jim Davis drew enough Garfield comic strips to last for the next 20 years or so. That's why Garfield always contains lame jokes and references to things from the late 1980's. In this particular strip, it took Garfield 6 boring panels just to tell his master Jon that he looks like Screech from Saved By the Bell.

That pretty much does it for this month's Sunday Comics Report. A special thanks to all of our dads who decided not to smother us for peeing on the things they bought us when we were babies. If you found this report to be funny, entertaining, or informative in any way, then our mission is accomplished and we can rest for another month or so. Until then, check out our other special reports and reviews, which will cover many varied subjects like books, music, movies, women, basketball deflators, retired janitors, fatty acids, and other assorted items.

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